The Sorryless Non-Refundable 2021 MLB Season Preview!

Image result for San Diego Padres celebrate wild card win

Since I’m still trying to figure a way in to the Magic Dance Sunday series, I decided to change things up this week and go with something completely different. With spring training on the horizon, Imma summon my creative fastball with a 2021 preview of what to expect from the MLB this coming season. And as always, if you decide to place a wager based on these predictions, seek help . . immediately.

The season begins on April Fools Day, and the results are in keeping . . .

Newly acquired slugger George Springer hits a record five home runs in his Blue Jays debut as Toronto beats Gerrit Cole and the Yankees 21-18. New York signs NFL place-kicker Sam Ficken after the loss. In Colorado, the defending champion Dodgers score so many runs that the scoreboard operator resorts to Roman numerals after the fifth inning. Final score: Dodgers XXVIII- Rockies II. The New York Mets win their opener over the Nationals, after which the New York papers declare the NL East Race to be over. The Chicago White Sox club the home team Angels so badly that Mike Trout asks to be traded to a playoff contender. He is promptly dealt to the Rams for five first round draft picks.

Once the season gets its legs kicking, form wins out. In the National League, the Dodgers go undefeated until mid-July and end up beating out the San Diego Padres for the NL West. The Mets win the East going away, prompting owner Steve Cohen to ask for public money to build an exact replica of The Colosseum. For the first time in baseball history, an entire division- the NL Central- is eliminated from postseason play.

In the American League, the Yankees win the East but decide to sit out the playoffs since more than half the team is on the injured list. “We would have to call A-Rod back into service, and I’d much rather hold on to the soul the good Lord gave me,” Says manager Aaron Boone. The White Sox win the AL Central but are upstaged by the Chicago Bears trade for DeShaun Watson so the team announces it will be moving to the cornfields of Iowa in 2022. The Houston Astros win the AL Central despite playing in a literal dump, after MLB removes every trash can from Minute Maid Park.

The postseason is where things get carazy with a capital Ice-T.

The Dodgers fall flat after going 151-3 in the regular season, losing in three straight to the Mets, after which they attempt to trade for the Rams Mike Trout but are thwarted since LA is undefeated thanks in large part to the running back’s MVP caliber season. The Mets then lose a hard fought classic to the Padres in seven games, when Fernando Tatis hits a pennant clinching home run in extra innings. The Mets lodge a protest claiming they led for the first three innings and thus should be awarded the game but the case goes nowhere since the GOP already tried that in the 2020 Presidential election.

In the American League, with the Yankees out, the Tampa Bay Rays stand in for them and proceed to sweep the Astros out of the playoffs. Houston promises to bring a pennant back to Houston next season, after the city’s health department orders the team to house trash cans in their stadium by 2022. The Rays are then swept out themselves by the White Sox, after which the team enters into discussions with the city of Tampa to build a tax-payer funded stadium for the team . . in Montreal.

The World Series is a winner for baseball fans, even if the networks complain that a San Diego/Chicago World Series is a ratings killer on the level of The Alliance of American Football. Fox Sports President Mark Silverman petitions to have the teams replaced with New York and Los Angeles and Commissioner Rob Manfred suggests two World Series be played. The idea goes nowhere since daytime World Series games would have to be played in order to pull it off, and no network worth its gravy is going to forfeit prime time ratings, sorry kids.

With the series locked at three games apiece, the deciding game is played in a snowstorm. It’s the first such storm to hit San Diego in more than fifty years. Illinois GOP Chairman Don Tracy calls it a “Gift from God” but is refuted by California Governor Gavin Newsom who proclaims it to be a byproduct of climate change. Feeling right at home in the elements, the White Sox push five runs across the board and hold serve through the first seven innings before the Padres answer with three runs of their own after replacing their cleats with snowshoes. The game goes to the bottom of the ninth inning with the White Sox clinging to a 5-4 lead when Fernando Tatis comes to the plate with one man on and two outs.

“Tom Brady is one swing away from delivering San Diego its first Stanley Cup ever!” Says a clearly inebriated Joe Buck. The Fox announcer will later admit he played a drinking game in which he downed a shot of tequila every time a batter struck out in Game 7. To the great entertainment of Fox viewers, the teams combine to strike out a record forty six times.

Tatis quickly falls behind 0-2 and appears to tweak his left shoulder, which forces him to finish his at bat from the left side. A Fox Graph follows, grimly predicting the Padres chances of winning to be less than Hilary Clinton’s in a Presidential election. Somehow, Tatis works the count to 3-2 as Joe Buck is replaced in the booth by the legendary Vin Scully, who tucks the baseball season to bed.

“And Tatis has sustained every punch the odds have thrown his way, from the frigid snowflakes out of Currier and Ives to the fiery bullets being served up by Sox closer Alex Colome. Add in the fact that Tatis is batting from the left side for the first time since his days as a prospect in the Dominican League. And now El Nino, as befitting a name in these conditions as Henry Thoreau could muster, is being asked to pen a Cinderella ending for the Friars . . .”

” . . .ย Colome will be pitching from the windup here with the whole of October in the offing. And now the pitch . . . hit deep down the right field line, if it’s fair its gone . . . it iiiiiiiiiis GONE!”ย 

And then Scully does something remarkable. He lets the scene play out without injecting a single, solitary adjective. He lets the tapestry of joy and heartbreak play out on its own, and he allows the viewers . . to view. Three minutes worth of watching men transform themselves into little boys again. Stomping through a miracle ending on the way to baseball nirvana. Inside this moment, the world settles into a most agreeable place, where magic and reality intertwine before the season gets lost to winter. And in the dark confines of the losing dugout can be heard that most dignified appraisal of not just baseball, but life itself.

Wait till next year.

 

36 thoughts on “The Sorryless Non-Refundable 2021 MLB Season Preview!

  1. B,

    I dunno where to start so I’m gonna stun you into slack-jawed dumbfoundedness by not going on and on with each and every paragraph. ‘cept to say… no way Josรฉ! We would love to have our beloved Expos back but we JUST finished paying for the ’76 Big Owe stadium…

    Quite the MLB – NFL merges you’ve cooked up.

    Tell you what. I’ll um… wait and get your feedback as the season moves along.. Padres? you say?

    I’ve a hankering for some Robert Redford now…

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q

      The Expos SHOULD be the Expos still. But MLB, in it’s infinite wisdom (greed) decided that Tampa would be a hotbed for baseball fans. Which never happened.

      I do that, yanno. :0

      Padres. They’re going to win it all. You read it here first.

      Right? It’s . . that ending. I’ve watched it a million times and I’ll probably watch it a million more.

      B

      Liked by 1 person

      • They really should be. Sigh…

        Yes, you do… rather well at that ๐Ÿ˜‰

        I did. And I’m taking notes!

        You know me… I love me baseball movies and this one? Up there at the top…

        Liked by 1 person

        • Well, there may come a time when Montreal gets baseball again.

          Thank you.

          Are you?

          Baseball movies are good stuff. Unless the stars don’t know how to throw a baseball to save their lives. ๐Ÿ˜‰

          Liked by 1 person

          • I would so love that to happen.

            My pleasure.

            Damn straight I am!

            Yes well… we, who are less discerning (read, less knowledgeable) were perfectly happy to enjoy these movies until a certain someone pointed out that some of these actors are less, shall we say, believable! ๐Ÿ˜€

            Liked by 1 person

          • Between the Candiens and the Expos, you are starting to sound like a Montrealer ๐Ÿ˜‰

            And yes. You do have a very important point. I’m not enough of a connoisseur to know the difference. Well, I wasn’t, until you came along!!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Well, I remember the last great Canadian dynasty in the late 70s with Gainey and Guy, Robinson, Savard and of course Scotty on the bench.

            As for the Expos, what wasn’t to love about that whole thing? From the uniforms, which were super cool to the name to the teams . . which had some great players. I remember their right fielder Ellis Valentine had a cannon for an arm. And those teams of the early 90s . . good stuff.

            Wink wink . . .

            Liked by 1 person

          • . . . my friend, we thought they’d never end . . .

            The ’94 team will forever be a shameful blight in the history of the game. To think that the owners and players couldn’t figure a way to slice a multi-billion dollar pie, and so the World Series was canceled. Leaving Montreal on the outside looking in at what would be their best chance to bring a title to Canada.

            Liked by 1 person

          • … to sing and dance forever and a day….

            I love that you feel this. You know what? I’m giving you the title of honourary Canadian… ‘course, you are gonna have to start using the U…

            Liked by 1 person

          • Wait a minute, so I have to use my “U’s liberally and much? Okay, I think I can do that. But truth be told, I would be a little sad , knowing that Michael J. Fox isn’t . . oh never mind.

            Liked by 1 person

    • Maybe Rob Manfred will listen to me this year and save everyone a lot of suspense. And yes, for the record, the Padres really are my choice to win it all. I think they’re fun stuff.

      Doesn’t matter how many times I watch that scene, it STILL gets me.

      Like

  2. So corn-fuzed. But why not hybrid sports?

    If you build it they will come. Go the distance. Is this heaven? I read that book and it was magical. Shoeless Joe and all.

    Very poetical at the end, I thought maybe Mr. Pesci took over. Might hold on to my betting money, though!

    Well done.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We have hybrid sports already. It seems like there’s a new sport born every day now. This week it’s the fan controlled league starring none other than Johnny Football. Next week, who knows? Probably something to do with Legos.

      One of the great baseball books, I agree.

      Joe mighta woiked his way inta tha end a dis . . .

      Gracias.

      Liked by 1 person

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