Joe Pesci Movie Review: Dangerous Lies

Lemme start by giving a great big middle finger thank you to Marco for finally finding the time in his scary busy blogging schedule for anotha one of my movie reviews. When he got around to calling me the other day, the cocksucker said it had just slipped his mind, can you imagine that? Slipped his mind . . . fucking guy!

Anyway, so he calls ta ask if I wanted to do a movie review and I was all excited because he’s been on a Jason Statham kick lately so I figured cool, I can watch that crazy fucking Brit kick the shit out of da bad guys for a couple hours. Oh wait, sorry. . I forgot I’m living in an age when people are offended by that kinda language. Shit, who am I kidding . . he’s a crazy fucking Brit!

Spoiler Alert: A certain asshole blogger who shall remain nameless told me I should include dis in my movie reviews, so as not to spoil tha movie for anyone who ain’t seen it. Whateva . . .

Well there ain’t no Jason Statham in the movie I watched. There ain’t a crazy Brit, or a crazy accent or even a crazy story line to get excited about in this predictable as fuck movie that felt as if da writers were kidnapped from that Lifetime channel. Yanno the one, where all the movies feel like commercials that Nicholas Sparks wrote? Fuck!

Basically, the story is about this chick who’s waiting tables until some guy decides to rob the joint. I had a big problem with this because I mean  . . who da fuck robs a restaurant? Shake down the owner? Sure. Torch the place when he stops paying up? Absolutely. But like, rob da place? For what? Eighty bucks and a bacon cheeseburger ta go? Amateur . . .

After this, the movie gets dumber than a bag of dicks. This chick is friends with some old guy who ends up leaving her everything in his will and get this . . da guy ain’t even banging her! And it’s a good thing he croaks, because ha boyfriend is majoring in “How to shit your pants in a job interview”. Turns out, he’s much better at spending the old guy’s money than he is at making his own. This chick has worse luck than my Aunt Rosemary, who once married a fashion designer because she wanted to get pregnant and well . . you probably know where I’m going with this . . .

So the chick and her degenerate boyfriend move right into the old guy’s house. It’s a big old house outside Chicago that hasn’t been updated since Richard Daley’s father was Mayor. I did a quick inventory and I figured I coulda fenced the contents of this particular abode for a cool million . . if I was in a hurry. So yanno . . these two stupid ass kids are loaded!

None of it matters because they can’t stay outta trouble. And get this . . they ain’t starting any of the trouble! After the old guy dies, they find a shitload of cash in the attic and they freak out . . as if that doesn’t happen all the time! Then they find diamonds in the old guy’s safe deposit box and they freak out . . as if THAT doesn’t happen all the time! Then they find a dead body in the garage . . as if THAT . . aww shit, you get da picture!

Thing of it is, they coulda been free and clear if they knew how ta read a hairstyle. Lemme explain. There’s this imbecile who shows up at their door early on pretending ta be a real estate salesman named Hayden even though his hair is obviously East New York hoodlum. It’s obvious this guy wants what they lucked into but instead of digging a ditch in the desert and getting rid of the pain in the ass, they become the suspects! I guess what they say is true, about youth being wasted on the dumbasses.

Anyway, in the end the imbecile dies, and so does the asshole boyfriend. Oh, and the lawyer for the old guy . . she dies too, after they find out she was part of the plot to kill him off . . . as if THAT doesn’t happen all the time! So everybody dies except for the chick. In da last scene, the detective comes by to say hello and the chick is very pregnant. She’s gonna raise the kid in the big house . . the one not named prison. So they spend a few minutes wondering where da fuck the diamonds went and as the scene fades to black, the water sprinkler shows us they’re buried in the garden.

Lemme tell you, that shit doesn’t happen all the time.

 

 

32 thoughts on “Joe Pesci Movie Review: Dangerous Lies

  1. Fabulous review, Joe (Marc) Had to laugh out loud in a couple of spots. Yeah, finding diamonds and cash happens to me all the time. I loved the haircut advice. I’ll have to pay attention to that in the future. Well done, Pilgrim.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Joe,

    I can’t believe he got you to watch this, too. Jeezus. What is up with this guy? Next thing ya know, he’s gonna be getting you to review a romance!

    I know you loved her degenerate so much you downgraded him from husband to boyfriend – can’t say I blame ya. Her first mistake was not kicking his ass to the curb from the moment he tried to play hero at the restaurant. All the shit that followed? His fault.

    But since she didn’t, well… If they’da had half a brain between the two of ’em, they woulda taken the money – fuck the diamonds coz they wouldn’t been smart enough to know how to get the money for ’em – and gotten the hell outta Dodge.

    Hahaha! Love the reading the hairstyle. But you’re right, Joe. That hair was like a flashing neon sign saying: HOODLUM.

    I think you did a right good job on the what’s what of this one, Joe.

    Canadian Chick

    Liked by 1 person

    • Canadian Chick,

      No way, I told him already. I won’t do romance and if he ever pulls that stunt with me, well, he just might not be sticking around.

      They was married? No shit! I really thought they was just dating, seeing as how they was still having sex and all. 😉

      These two kids wouldn’t a been able to break out of a Holiday Inn, much less get away with a crime they didn’t even commit! I don’t get who I was supposed ta like in dis flick!

      I didn’t expect these kids to be smart enough to figure out how to make a good movie, but I can’t believe they bought what this guy was selling!

      Hey tanks! You’re alright, yanno that?

      Joe

      Liked by 2 people

      • Well then, I’ll make sure he doesn’t do that to you. Coz I want both a youse around.

        They was! Probably hadn’t been for very long on account as they was… They was? I don’t even remember any scenes – guess it wasn’t too memorable.

        There was no one to like. Maybe the old man? He didn’t do nuthin ‘cept leave her all his shit. Pretty damn big paying job, lemme tell you.

        They were such easy marks. You know all about those types, eh?

        You’re alright too, Joe… You’re quite alright! You come back now, y’hear?

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Welcome back, Joe! You’re right that Marc has been a jerk to leave you out in the cold all these long months. If he ain’t gonna appreciate your excellent reviews, we’ll screw him and come on over to MY blog.

    Liked by 1 person

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