Mortal Coils, A Cuppa Kafka And Bengal Tiger Express Lanes

Life ain’t simple.

I’m not talking about how absurdly inconvenient mortality tends to be. What was it that Kafka wrote? The meaning of life is that it stops. So there’s no use ranting about the inevitable, even if I resent the fact that Ryan Seacrest and Kelly Ripa are going to live forever.

Nah, this ain’t big picture stuff I’m talking about. This is B-movie soapbox . . it’s direct to Prime Video. Because I’m talking about the little impediments that get painted across your Zen windshield on the regular. Things like a bill you weren’t expecting . . pain in the ass neighbors (I know, that’s redundant), traffic, and long lines at the grocery store.

The bills represent death to me. Every time I get a bill, it’s as if the grim reaper dropped in and is like Sup? Because there’s not a thing you can do about it, you have to eat it. You could run away to the Keys, but what good would that serve since you’d only come home to even more bills?

To think that we meet our neighbors when we get to heaven? Is a hellish proposition.

To say traffic blows is to win the Oscar for Big Fucking Understatement. I once dated a girl who confessed that she “loved traffic” because it helped center her. Come to think of it, her confession came on our last date. Because I can’t be with someone who spins positive shit out of traffic. I will get with a serial killer before I’ll do that. And the serial killer is going to be way more interesting.

Long Lines In a Grocery Store . . The Musical!

It’s not even the line that pisses me off. I can wait . . I’m not on any Most Wanted posters, that I know of. I’m not ecstatic about having to wait in line to pay a bill, and it sure as hell doesn’t ‘center’ me since I’m not a psycho. But standing in line at a grocery store separates us from the Bengal tiger, and I dig that. It reminds me that we’re not the top of the food chain, because if that Bengal tiger was shopping, the line would be much shorter.

So it was on Saturday afternoon that I prayed for that Bengal tiger to make the scene and maul the fuck-head in front of me (Editor’s Note: I use a hyphen to elucidate just how much of an asshole this guy truly was). Was it fair to judge this individual based on such a small sample size? No fucking doubt about it.

A few examples of his fuck-headedness? Sure, why not . . .  (Editor’s Note: My spellcheck didn’t correct me on that word because it’s in complete agreement with me).

  • Keeping his phone on speaker, thus allowing his conversational skills to dumb down the world around him.
  • Wearing a “No Fear” t-shirt. And here I thought the United Nations had banned them.
  • Skinny jeans. Sorry, maybe this makes me an old guy but . . no. Dudes? Just. No.
  • Every other word is “like”. As if Merriam Webster ain’t dead enough.
  • P.F. Changs . . . Healthy Choice Power Bowls . . Chia Seeds . . Almond Milk . . Chocolate Lucky Charms .  . and okay, one or two of these in your cart is not a crime. All of these in your cart? And then add in all of the above? Guilty.

So it was quick thinking on my part to turn the ordeal into a musical . . in my head . . of course.

Opening Scene: The antagonist is mauled by a Bengal Tiger. 

The End

The musical part of this equation was taking place inside my head. Uncentered and unsettled but very much in time with the bluesy palette of Bobby Caldwell. It was a modest accord to which I was willing to oblige since committing murder is the ultimate bill. So I imagined myself firing up a turntable and letting its silky logic set the ground rules.

The bonus came with not making the Most Wanted List, which is . . like, pretty good too.

 

 

43 thoughts on “Mortal Coils, A Cuppa Kafka And Bengal Tiger Express Lanes

  1. One of the blessings of the pandemic and lockdowns has been the absence of traffic. Because I retired and then the lockdowns, I just don’t spend anywhere near as much time in my car as I used to, but when I do, the emptiness of the roads is a wonderful, blissful thing. I don’t remember the last time I got stuck in a real traffic jam, and I’d like to keep that memory at bay for a bit longer. The idea that somebody could enjoy traffic is just … disgusting.

    I also can’t stand lines or waits, but I’m getting better at it. I’m finding some zen at times when waiting. But yeah, waiting in line behind the fuck-head is its own special kind of hell.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. B,

    You kill me. You really do. You know, your “Miscreants” pages states that you aspire to be Tom Kirkman’s speech writer. Welp… if that doesn’t pan out, you could definitely find a place to write some script for a sardonic half-hour show…

    Bills. Damn them, you just can’t get away from them.

    Traffic. Working from home has it’s benefits. And should the fucking hold on working from home ever lift? I can actually WALK to work so… no traffic for me, no mo’! ‘Course, that doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally go into town but that’s for special occasions. What was that chick on, anyway… liking traffic. smh.

    Now, long lines in a grocery store? Holy mother of gawd. I swear (often) because I seem to choose the times when all the asswipes are waiting ahead of me. I wonder how come my powers have not materialised yet. I mean those eejits who use speaker phone in public should easily find themselves with two holes bored right through ’em. Skinny jeans are the ugliest invention. Ever. How about I add another annoyance that deserves the person in front of me be attacked by a Bengal tiger? The guy in back of me who stands IN FRONT of his cart. Pandammit or not, that is way too in my bubble…

    Excellent choice of music, as per.. I do thank you for sharing it…

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • The musical piece might have to make its way back here at some point. I’d just have to think of some of my favorite Broadway songs and then umm . . tinker?

      Thanks RW

      Like

  3. Yeah, them Bengals gotta eat, too. Sounds like Mr. F-head would make a tasty appetizer. Well, maybe not “tasty” per se, but filling?

    Nothing good about traffic. Ever. Must be why I live where I do. Seems I hardly drive anymore, in fact.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The perfect musical!
    I’d like to do the costumes. I am experienced, and have worked for cable. (Showtime, amongst others)
    The main question is: How many takes will you do of the mauling to death of the idiot offender?
    We will need a fresh outfit for each take, and 1 more kept pristine for backwards shooting.
    The others in the line-up can be extras, and bring their own clothes.
    Of course we will provide clothing for those in blood spray range. They could need multiples, as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You would ROCK the costume designs. Of course!

      I would love to do several but I’m afraid it would be a single take. And no harm will come to the Bengal tiger, because it’s their nature. They are the top of food chain.

      Yes please. I also tend to prefer purple. Can you work with that?

      Hells yes they can! LOL

      You’re the expert on this Resa 😉

      Like

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