Dear Aliens . . .

I know what you’re probably thinking right about now. Life on earth looks like a peach tree pie with fresh whipped cream on top. I mean, we’re one big swimming pool with myriad endeavors to turf your toes on. If you dig endorphin chow, you can eat well. If you just dig real chow, you can eat even better. All that and Vera Farmiga lives here!

But there’s a flip side your realtor ain’t so eager to fess on. We are a genuinely crazy ass lot, and scrums just so happen to be our wheelhouse. The bigger the scrum, the more ferocious we become.

What? You need a few examples? Ooookay . . .

We go to war so that we can create future trade partners . . . There are tons of casualties, and they will be memorialized in big budget motion pictures and federally funded memorials. Their sacrifice will be remembered but the lesson will be lost as soon as the next conflict arises.

About those trade partners . . . The leaders of industry and government are the protected class when it comes to these wars. Their offspring are also protected so that they can broker future business deals with the vanquished enemy. Its a bloody racket, and I mean that quite literally.

When something wicked this way comes . . there’s sports! . . . No matter how untethered we become as a society, we can turn to sports as an avoidance mechanism a way to bring people together. Much like the corrupt senators of ancient Rome, today’s power brokers feast on the indifference of a population that really doesn’t care to know just how fucked we really are. LeBron James is our modern day Spartacus, with the only difference being, everything.

And if you’re wondering where ancient Rome is located, well . . that’s the point.

We love our reality television . . . Even if there isn’t a lick of reality to it. We consume it in vast quantities and then we cull a diabolical poetry from the ashes. The particulates fuel much of the population, providing them with a manifest-ish destiny. Imagine going to war against an endless procession of armies who fear public speaking more than death. Good. Luck. With. That.

Brands, algorithms and metrics have replaced the human soul . . . See, we can be every bit as bloodless and uncaring as you! No offense.

Okay, I’m being totally presumptious on that last count. But I can’t help it, seeing as how the more advanced a species becomes, the less time they spend focusing on their warts. And really, who am I to say? Maybe you guys have actually learned from the mistakes of your ancestors. Hell, maybe we’re you’re ancestors . . in which case, this is awkward. For you. But going to war with relatives, distant or otherwise . . that’s freshly baked into our DNA.

Yeah sorry but, the chances are good you’re like any other life form that drives and votes and screws. You only think you’re the next step in the evolutionary cycle. But as our American philosopher Mike Tyson once said, everybody’s got a plan until they get punched in the face. And we have one helluva right hook. And we’re ignorant. And with every day that goes by, we get closer to that dead end town called Nothing To Lose-Ville. So if you’re here to throw down with us, I would suggest you get to stepping.

Seriously, time is of the essence here. Wolf Blitzer ain’t getting any younger, Chuck Norris is jonesing for one more epic bar fight, and I’ve heard Will Smith owns the F/A 18 Hornet he ‘flew’ in the movie Independence Day and he really wants to try it on for size. I suggest you watch the movie before you make any rash decisions. And should you decide to come in peace instead, super cool decision. Starbucks is going to name a series of drinks after you, Netflix is going to hand you a blank check and you’ll score a summit meeting with our leader.

Her name is Oprah, and she has a book club. You’re gonna love her.

57 thoughts on “Dear Aliens . . .

  1. B,

    No ideas, eh? Nkay…

    Dear Aliens. Run. Far. or, better yet. C’mon down and just take over. You surely can’t do worse than we did with this planet and I honestly think we need a reboot. As in, raze the place and start over. Well, you could leave the nature part, while it would take over if given the chance, it’s not for nefarious reasons but to survive. We two-legged inhabitants THINK we are doing the same thing but as we move forward and “grow” we take over.

    Your examples are brilliant, Marco. Your pen is as sharp as your wit and your wit is like a razor.

    You have an incomparable way of delivering truths with humour and wit and not a little sarcasm that shoots right to the heart of the matter.

    Q

    Liked by 1 person

    • Q

      I’m still in a funk when it comes to flavor, but I’ve resorted to putting in the road work to get it back. And I will. I just have to deal with the ebb, yanno?

      Humans are pretty good at razing the roof, and have supplied myriad examples from the beginning of time. And no, carbon credits and green cars ain’t gonna make up the difference.

      The pen is being called upon to gather itself and the wit, that I have. 😉

      There’s very little sarcasm in this post. I believe I included the minimum amount allowable by law, and that’s because we border Canada . . the home of sarcasm . .

      Go Habs!

      B

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well your funk is more flavourful than you think. That said, you know I’ve got your back as you ebb.

        That they are. They’ve been perfecting themselves over millennia. And no, I agree. It’s definitely a case of too little, too late.

        Words I am rather glad to read. The pen is right there, I’ve zero doubt. The wit, well there is that in abundance!

        Uh huh. Right. My bad. What was I saying?

        GO HABS GO!

        Liked by 1 person

        • MUAH!

          I think we have to resign ourselves to the damage that has already been done and maybe . . just maybe . . that will lead to less harvesting and razing and . . oh shit, I’m hallucinating. It’s the heat! I swear it!

          Hey, if Logan Logan or Paul Paul or whatever the hell that asshole’s name was who stepped in the ring with Floyd Mayweather can “earn” a draw, I can do the road work to an ever better writing Marco. And the postscript to that farce of an event was that Floyd threw it.

          Haha!

          One more win!

          Liked by 1 person

          • I’ll take your MUAH and add mine MWAH!

            Yes, we have to – what choice do we have, anyway? You are most def feeling the heat but yanno what? There is nothing wrong with dreaming and believing we might start… right. the heat has affected me, too.

            Funny you should mention that. A friend on FB: ” I’m watching the Mayweather vs Paul fight. What a shit show. Who would pay for this mess?” and he threw it, eh? You called it…

            As for comparing your writing to that nonsense? Well, that is nonsense! You are way above that sorta thing…

            😉

            Woot! The only thing that worries me about that is that then the Habs will be a few days sans playing… Gotta keep their mojo up!

            Liked by 1 person

          • Doubling down! Kenny Rogers would be proud. As would Dolly Parton. Both!

            Yes, the heat is really getting to everyone now. And with no end in sight, I’m thinking it’s time I dunk my head in ice water. For an hour or two.

            It was a fifty dollar sham of a contest. Mayweather stands to gain anywhere from 50 to 75 million for his part. And Logan or Paul gets more subscribers. Love it.

            I’ll drink to that.

            😉

            I agree. More I think about it, the more sense it makes to keep the pan hot.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Both!

            A good ice-bath head-dunking sure can help. I won’t be as drastic but will throw myself in my pool – that for reasons unknown to me am the only one to use. Whatevs.

            The things people do for notoriety… it baffles the regular mind, doesn’t it?

            You’ll drink to anything 😉

            😀

            Let’s hope they don’t lose their fire. Would be great to have an Islanders-Habs matchup, don’tcha think? Course, I’m assuming we’ll do what needs to be done to whoever comes out twixt Colorado and Vegas…

            Liked by 1 person

          • Take it if you got it, I say. Dunk yourself in it and bring a beverage of choice with you for the ride, in order to double your fun in the sun and increase the cool factor.

            The regular mind . . of which there are. . . how many?

            I wish!

            😉

            Go Avs. And go Habs. And go Isles. And wait . . that’s three teams where only two can fit in a finale. Oh well . .maybe the NHL can figure something out since my Canada vs American Stanley Cup Final idea went kaput.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Oh, I do. And the beverage of choice makes everything all the better.

            I don’t know what came over me to use the term “regular!…

            Didn’t say you wouldn’t suffer for it…

            Waitaminute here… Once the Habs knock out the Avs then they will meet the Isles – Canada vs US (we’re all American 😉 ) Stanley Cup Final.. What’s kaput in that?

            Liked by 1 person

          • Salud to that one.

            Right? I mean, we might be the most irregular species in the history of ever. At least, the current iteration is proving to be anyways.

            I wouldn’t.

            The Habs gotta play Tampa next. The Isles would play the Avs.

            Well, I meant on an annual basis. They might luck out and get it this year but I think it would be cool to see such a thing happen every year.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Cheers!

            That it is. We are… irregular… that is a good word.

            You wouldn’t? Ever?

            Stupid me. I wasn’t thinking. Obviously.

            Yes, I know what you mean and I was teasing. Besides, we already concluded that we are very short on teams north of the 45…

            Liked by 1 person

          • Humankind has devolved into a mess of hyper-active hypocrisies by now. And so we let every kind of thing provide the narrative we misplaced. And that is dangerous stuff to tangle with.

            I never say ever. Or never. Both.

            Which makes you . . wait for it . . human.

            7 teams in Canada . . that’s sick. And it’s sad. And it’s what’ s missing in the playoff format. The league would need twice as many to be able to institute a much better idea. And since they’re putting an expansion club in Seattle, well, it don’t look good.

            Liked by 1 person

          • That it has. I am loath to think the narrative cannot be changed but honestly, can it really?

            Hahaha! I’ll remember that.

            Yes. Yes I am… flawed but real 🙂

            Yeah. Well, at one-tenth your population, it’s hard to have more than one team per province – as you know, once upon a time we had to in Quebec and there are two (negligible) teams from Ontario 😉 And some provinces – fuggetaboutit – ain’t never gonna happen because they just could neer make the numbers necessary. As for the Territories, no one in their right mind would go so far north – Edmonton is as far as we are willing!!

            Liked by 1 person

          • In pockets, as with most everything in the world. It won’t be saved as a whole maybe, but there are enough pockets that will survive. And that’s the hope.

            Me two.

            I get it, but I don’t like it. Because that means the sport is weighed more heavily to locales I just cannot get excited about when it comes to hockey. And hey listen, it would be the same thing in reverse. I wouldn’t be chomping at the bit to watch the Calgary Cow Thumpers play baseball. 😉

            The Oiler are a cool organization to me, hockey wise. Nice threads and they’re usually in the conversation.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Pockets. Yes. Pockets is good.

            🙂

            I hear ya. Whatcha gonna do? LOL Calgary Cow Thumpers… too much!

            Yes. They are cool. Even if they are not the Habs. 😉

            Liked by 1 person

          • It’s probably for the best, and I mean down the road for the best.

            😉

            Or maybe the Winnipeg Locos? Or the Edmonton Gretzkys?

            No team in the sport is the Habs.

            😉

            Liked by 1 person

          • Way on down the road. Kick that can and keep on kicking it, calendar wise.

            The Winnipeg Willies! That’s it! And let’s not wait for baseball to get there. Let’s call up the Jets and tell them to change their name. AND that logo . .

            I do.

            🙂

            Liked by 1 person

  2. That was bloody brilliant! I have an image in my head of a large group of aliens sitting in bleachers, just this side of the Moon, eating their version of popcorn and betting on the guy in his mother’s basement in underwear eating Cheeto’s. I could be wrong. They may be eating chips.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. my mind feels serious on one hand and then the humor dazzled the other
    almost like tasting key like pie and a sandwich cubano in the same bite /
    however – even if those tasty foods might not go well together in the same bite – your post sure did mix the humor with the harsh reality –
    esp loved this
    “Brands, algorithms and metrics have replaced the human soul . ..”
    i think trust really sums up a lot –
    and so many little social connections makes for another reading – off to do that now

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s my mind . . like, all the time.

      Hey! Now that sounds like a killer combination of flavor! So long as there is some time in between . . .

      Seriously, we are being hydrogenated into little cans. Our personalities transformed into vapid labels whose nutritional value has no personality at all.

      Liked by 1 person

        • It’s true.

          I don’t do the algorithm thing with my shows. Yanno, where you sit there and let them know your likes and dislikes? Nope, I don’t do it. I want to search, I want to be surprised, I want to come upon something on my own. It’s a little thing, I know. But I prefer to find what I want to watch without having a search engine somewhere guiding me to it.

          I realize I let search engines guide me somewhere every day. But not unsolicited. Well, mostly not. I usually know the general vicinity.

          Like

  4. Her name is Oprah and she has a book club. HA! I was rolling! I’m glad you laid it out for them. I’m extremely embarrassed that the people be watching reality television. I mean what the hell is that? I dig Bear Grylls and the LegoMasters but dude all those wives and bachelor people UGH… like nails scratching a chalkboard. Telling the truth is important so they know what they’re getting into… but you know … you warned them about everything but except Ripa. Ha! I love your letter-writing skills. Master with the quill 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Excellent post!

    Of course, it presumes aliens would even get close enough to us to need more information about how we interact with each other and our planet. Based on the “UFO” videos recently released, it’s clear to me they come just far enough into our atmosphere to get a whiff, recoil in alarm, and exit as fast as possible. Smart aliens.

    Although I bet they’d like Oprah.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, alien life knows better than to comingle with us humans. Nothing good comes of it, and what’s more, they probably have myriad ways to disrupt our way of life without getting their alien hands dirty. We’re pretty simplistic.

      They would LOVE Oprah.

      Like

  6. You know, the ultimate hubris is assuming the aliens would be coming to visit humans. Neil deGrasse Tyson (rather than Mike), points out that most life on earth looks nothing at all like humans. Actually, the aliens are waiting for the ants to rule the planet.

    But seriously, I love your take on our very sick society. It’s not getting better, I’m afraid.

    Liked by 1 person

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