Marco: Welcome to yet another first here at Sorryless, as yours truly will sit on the aisle with the inimitable Joe Pesci to review the sequel to The Conjuring. It is the third movie in the series and the eighth movie in the Conjuring Universe. This sequel follows real life demonologists Ed and Lorraine Warren’s involvement in a historic 1981 murder trial in which demonic possession was used as a defense . .
Joe: Wait one fucking minute! Those people was real? And they really used that defense in a murder trial?
Marco: Yeah pal, it was true life shit, I told you that while we were watching it, but you were too busy lip-schtupping that bottle of Chivas to listen. And hey . . before we go any further, let’s make sure to let our readers know this post contains spoilers.
Joe: A-fucking-gain with the spoilers, you stuttering prick? What is with the bug up your ass when it comes to spoilers? They KNOW we’re reviewing the movie! Whaddaya think they’re coming here to read about the World Cup?
Marco: It’s just a courtesy, Joe.
Joe: Yeah, like da mints they leave in a bowl when you go up to pay your bill at a restaurant. And you know what that courtesy is full of? Shit. Literally, they did a study on it.
Marco: Thanks Dr. Fauci. So yes, in answer to your question, the Warrens were consultants in a murder investigation that took place in Connecticut. They claimed that Arne Johnson was possessed by a demon when he stabbed his landlord twenty-two times.
Joe: Where . . . da fuck were the Warrens when I was on trial for allegedly murdering Jimmy “Nine Toes” Benedetti?
Marco: Refresh my memory on that one.
Joe: The prosecution claimed that I shot Jimmy thirty-five times. But they didn’t have a case!
Marco: Why’s that Joe?
Joe: Well, the alleged witness who saw me going in Jimmy’s place . . disappeared. And the other alleged witness who saw me leaving Jimmy’s place . . disappeared. And the other alleged witness who heard gunshots . .
Marco: Lemme guess, disappeared?
Joe: Bingo! No case. But it took a couple months to come to dat conclusion. I coulda used the demonic possession defense and been out in time for Christmas!
Marco: But you didn’t shoot Jimmy, right?
Joe: (Winking) Of course not.
Marco: Before this movie review leads to a criminal investigation, why don’t you give my peeps a synopsis of the movie?
Joe: If by synopsis you mean why don’t I talk about the movie, sure. Whoa! What a novel fucking concept, you mope! And do me a favah, will ya? Stop with da French . . just ask me in plain English?
Marco: Actually, the origin of synopsis is Greek . .
Joe: I never heard Jimmy the Greek use that fucking word so shut the fuck up. Anyways, about this movie. It begins at this little kid’s birthday party where things get outta hand . . .
Marco: Joe, it wasn’t a birthday party, it was an exorcism.
Joe: What da fuck does it matter what it was? The family was a bunch of wackadoos and the kid was having a temper tantrum is all.
Marco: The Warrens were trying to exorcise the demon and Arne called for it to enter his body.
Joe: Oh, you mean da guy with that nut-job defense. Yeah . . yeah, I remember now. So this guy ends up stabbing his landlord. Oh . . sorry. . the devil ends up stabbing his landlord twenty-two times. Holy shit, talk about being under the influence! So then the Warrens go to Massachusetts because there’s this chick that was also stabbed twenty-two times.
Marco: They believed it was a curse passed on through a witch’s totem, and they meet with a priest who had dealings with a satanic cult. It was their belief the curse was passed to the kid and then to Arne.
Joe: (Making a lewd gesture with his right hand) Rich white people will do anything to get outta trouble. So anyways, this Warren chick almost gets killed by her husband, which I thought was pretty realistic. Turns out, this demon gets around.
Marco: I take it you don’t believe in demonic possession?
Joe: Listen pal, the husband can blame it on Nixon for all I care.
Marco: You’re missing the point. The totem held certain powers, which is why they had to take it with them when they visited the altar where the rituals had been performed. They had to get rid of the evil. And that’s where they find the occultist responsible for the death of the young girl from Massachusetts. And that’s why the occultist paid the ultimate vig . . so the demon could move on, through her.
Joe: Is that what all the gymnastics was about? I haven’t seen a body twist and turn like that since I dated a Russian stripper.
Marco: Nonetheless, I found this movie to be utterly predictable. It followed the same tired possession flick formula. Boy meets demon, boy falls for demon . . demon ends up skipping town.
Joe: And the asshole with the possession defense got five years. Which ain’t horrible.
Marco: So . . how did Jimmy “Nine Toes” get his nickname?
Joe: He was a lousy dancer.