Al Pacino Movie Review: Capone

Al Pacino: 'It's never been about money. I was often unemployed' | Al Pacino | The Guardian

When Marco called to ask me if I would be interested in doing a movie review, I asked him where it would it be published. There are a million different websites out there and it messes with my OCD, and I don’t even have OCD! Anyway, here’s how that conversation went.

Marc: The review will run on my blog, I call it Sorryless. 

Al: Wait, hold on a minute . . speak English! What’s a blog?

Marc: It’s a more casual and loosely defined website.

Al: You know . . Brando was loosely defined . .

Marc: It’s not like that, Al. I write everything from comedy to tragedy. I even do a weekly segment about heroes.

Al: I’m not interested in any kind of heroes stories . . ever since I was turned down for the role of Batman, anything to do with heroes . . bad taste in my mouth. Nothing personal, you understand . . but uh, yeah screw heroes.

Marc: No problem.

Al: Hey, you don’t think Beverly (D’Angelo) reads this blog crap, do you?

Marc: Like you, she probably has no blessed idea what a blog is.

Al: I’ll do it.

Marc: Oh, and Al? You can dish up the ‘FIAHHH!’ and ‘Hoo-ah!’ catch-phrases in liberal doses . . just saying.

Al: What am I? A monkey? Get out of here before I change my mind, you little asshole!

So that’s how I came to be here today. To do a movie review . . about a movie that is a royal piece of shit if you ask me. But I’m guessing I should have prefaced that opinion with a spoiler alert. Aaahh . . . fuck it, you only live once, right?

Okay, so it’s my professional opinion that the beginning of a movie is very important. I was always a stickler for a great start because I feel that a movie is like a football season. A great start sets the tone, unless you’re the New York Jets, in which case you’re going to suck regardless.

This movie, doesn’t start great.

Tom Hardy, who’s a sensational actor even if he’s a little bit of a prick, plays the lead role here. He looks like Capone alright, he sounds like Capone alright, but it doesn’t matter because he’s suffering from neurosyphilis, dementia and shitting his pants. Now maybe the last problem is a result of the other conditions, I dunno. What I do know is that I don’t want to think about Public Enemy Number One doing number two in bed. It’s humiliating!

All I’m saying is, when you make a movie about Capone as an invalid it’s like making a movie about Rocky Balboa playing Bingo in a retirement home. I mean, if they had paid Hardy by the word, he woulda taken home ten bucks! I haven’t seen this kind of mumbling performance since Matthew McConaughey in that True Detective show.

The movie is supposed to cover the last couple years of Capone’s life, when he’s living in Florida after he’s released from prison on account of his brain having turned into rice pudding. Of course, the Feds think it’s all an act. They think he has ten-million bucks stashed away somewhere so they have surveillance units spying on him. I can tell you this for a fact, that if you’re shitting your pants, it’s no act.

This movie is one big collection of hallucinations, from a fever dream sequence of the Valentine’s Day Massacre . . why botha?! . . to a series of wise guys he rubbed out who come back to visit him, to a crocodile that almost bites his crazy head off. I wasn’t sure whether the directors were going for Goodfellas or A Christmas Carol but it doesn’t matter because they fucked things up worse than Fredo.

The next time Marco has me review a film, he better give me a movie worth reviewing or I’ll threaten to take him fishing.

That should get his attention.

 

 

 

41 thoughts on “Al Pacino Movie Review: Capone

  1. Wow Al Pacino!

    How nice to see you here at Marc’s blog, and doing a movie review, no less! I sure am honoured to be in the audience.

    Of course, he asked you to do one based on a mobster. He coulda done better, eh? I do love Tom Hardy but if this is as bad as you say it is, I’ll have to put a hard pass on this one. I barely managed to get through the mumble that was McConaughey on True Detective!

    Doesn’t it make you wonder why the directors and such wanna focus on the last years of a top mafia dude who has become, how did you say it – rice pudding and soiled pants? Unless they are trying to get the audience to not revere mobsters.

    I dunno but I do know this. No way in hell would you make a bad mob…. um… Never mind.

    Thanks for the great review of a movie I shall now avoid!

    Dale or Q (Marco’s nickname for me)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey sistah, how’s ya shimmy?

      I am guessing by your liberal usage of the letter U that you are from north of the border. Yanno, some of my best friends in the biz hail from Canada.

      It’s not just horrible, it’s as if the Feds wrote the screenplay as one final middle finger to the guy. He’s been dead for three quarters of a century now, leave the guy alone!

      I’m telling you . . that Matthew kid coulda done a better job . . writing it, starring in it, directing it.

      Hey! Whoa whoa whoa! Whattaya saying there cupcake? Come on, spit it out.

      Please avoid it, and let Marco know I ain’t available for no more mob movies. Unless it’s Scarface, that one I’ll do.

      Q is nice, very exotic. I’ll go with Q. Hoo AH!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hey Al!

        You guessed right. Glad to hear that. There are quite a few hanging around Hollywood, that’s for sure.

        Good gawd. That is so disrespectful.

        He coulda, for sure. Coz I like the guy, but the mumble? Not so much.

        I was just teasin’. Why not too long ago, Marco and I watched the revamping of Number 3 and we both liked it!

        I will avoid it and awww c’mon… You can’t review your own movies!

        Q works for me…

        Liked by 1 person

        • Lotta Scientologists hanging around the place. They’re worse than Nazis. Well, okay, maybe not worse but some of them? On par.

          I know! Fucking people.

          I met him one time at a party and I swear to God I didn’t understand a word he said, other than cannibalism. I kept nodding my head, hoping it didn’t mean I was gonna be the main course.

          I wish my good friend Bobby Duval had been in it, but yanno, when money becomes a part of the process . . .

          Scarface is just a little different, But you’re probably right.

          I like it!

          Liked by 1 person

          • Oh right. I didn’t think of those. Mind you, I don’t recall reading about too many Canadians falling into that crazy.

            Fucking A.

            Don’t tell me he’s like that ALL. THE. TIME?? Oh man… I mean, some of his movies are more mumbly than others. Gonna blame the Texan in him.

            That’s why he didn’t participate? Bummer…

            It’s just a little bit LOT different but yeah, hard to remain impartial on our own stuff. Not saying you couldn’t but yanno…

            Glad you do! I have to admit, so do I. Marco (I call him B) gave it to me 😉

            Liked by 1 person

          • I think Americans are more naturally inclined to that kind of bat-shit crazy.

            I think he’s so in love with what he’s saying and doing and how he’s looking, that he just forgets to speak.

            That’s how it goes. When they say it ain’t about the money, you know it is.

            I think I’m relieved they never did a remake.

            FIAH!

            Liked by 1 person

          • I think you may be right. We’ve got a few wackadoodles here…

            Is that what it is? He does come off as a good guy but a little too sure of himself…

            Yeah. You gotta point.

            I know I am!

            Hoo-ah!

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Ooo. Serpico. Thanks for taking on Marc’s request for a movie review. But you should give the schlub a cracker for making you watch a piece of crap like that!

    Let’s hope it won’t keep you from guesting on the blog again in the future.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think he was trying to get back at me for having done Godfather 3. He says he liked the re-edited version but I don’t know, once he has a problem with something, he doesn’t usually just forget it. His vendettas, they’re legendary.

      I’ll be back sistah, and I’ll be sure to bring my own ideas for a movie review next time. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Definitely going to pass on Capone. I drove by his old mansion on Palm Island way back . Imagined him lying by the pool his mind complete mush. It’s hard to imagine anything worse than Scarface. Such a dark time for Al. That was a comedy right? Love Pacino though. Have a great day and thanks for the warning.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I do feel grateful that the blog world lets us have celebrity encounters at times and even movie reviews
    Well done and the movie sounds terrible – I still might check it out to see if Al here was spot on – I trust he was but will at least try to watch it

    It seems that screenplays are all over the place right now – and I would say most are average – and then some are really poor – like maybe this one in Capone –

    Liked by 2 people

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