Joe Pesci Movie Review: Jolt

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Lemme start by issuing the oh so important spoiler alert before a certain blog owner with a stick up his ass for such things texts me one more fucking time about it. I already threatened to kneecap him but he doesn’t scare easy, which is typical of stupid assholes.

Spoiler alert . . da fuck.

Many people ain’t aware of this, but I think women can do anything us guys can do. Run for President, be an astronaut or a basketball player? Sure, I mean of course. But in this instance I’m talking about every day stuff. Yanno, like hiring an escort on a business trip or murdering their significant other.

Lindy Lewis- played by the lovely Kate Beckinsale- has the kind of temper that will wake you out of a sound sleep just to let you know she’s gonna kill ya. So I was hooked on the chick while the opening credits for the movie Jolt were still getting in the way. That British accent and those titanium high heels work on my last hormone and I mean that literally, since I got one left.

Lindy has the kind of temper that has its own term- intermittent explosive disorder. And just like explosive diarrhea it will make the unlucky bastard who pisses her off shit his pants too. When she gets pissed, she turns into a cross between Chuck Norris and my Aunt Julia.

Stanley Tucci plays her Mr. Miyagi. He’s her psychiatrist and life coach, because with the issues she’s got going, he’s gonna be rich. Get this, he rigs this electrode device that she wears, and whenever she feels like she’s about to lose it, she pushes a button and it shocks her. Don’t ask me why that doesn’t piss her off, but I’m not a writer so what do I know?

Anyway, Lindy meets an accountant (Jai Courtney) who says he works for one guy. That always means there’s some crooked shit going on and sure enough there is, because a day after meeting him, he ends up dead. Now she’s really pissed because they had a great second date that ended with breakfast. So watch the fuck out, bad guys, because the British are coming.

Before you know it, Lindy is killing bosses, because there’s always way more than one boss. Of course, the cops gotta get involved so’s they can take the credit when she cracks the case. Laverne Cox and my pal Bobby Canavale play the cops, and not for nothing, but he plays good cop so well that Lindy’s got breakfast eyes for him before the flick is over.

Oh and get this, the accountant who got knocked off ten minutes in? Turns out he faked it so he could be the boss. What a stupid fuck this guy is, because she’s already killed more bosses than a hitman for the Gambinos. This chick already rearranged the face of a shitty waitress so what do you think she’s gonna do to a guy who doesn’t just kick her to the curb but fakes his death to do it? And then comes back later to torture her with her own device as he laughs at her?

She turns him into meatloaf by handing him a bag with a bomb in it, which proves she musta really liked this guy a lot, the lucky bastid. So after he’s gone she goes back to her apartment to find Susan Sarandon waiting for her. She’s pretending to play a creepy doctor but she’s really there to let us know there’s gonna be another movie.

On a scale of 1-10, I give dis movie an absofuckinglutely.

 

31 thoughts on “Joe Pesci Movie Review: Jolt

  1. Aw Joe. You’ve done it, my man. You’ve made me want to go to the f–kin movies just to see this flick. I love Tucci and the whole plot sounds like something I would love too. Thanks for the memories in advance. Thanks to your author friend too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Joe!

    I just knew it! I told Marco, when we watched this, that he had to ask you to watch and review it. I told him: “Marco, this here is finally a movie that Joe will appreciate. Really. For once, give the guy something good!”

    I always knew you were the kinda man who could appreciate a strong woman. And, let’s face it, even as a blonde, Kate Beckingsale is hot. Plus that accent…. she has a sexy voice, doesn’t she? How can you resist this hot, badass babe?

    I think Chuck is mellower than she is, no? But I get it 😉

    I can’t blame her for making breakfast eyes with Bobby Canavale because, he’s rather tasty himself. Stanley Tucci is so good as her, how did you call him, her Mr. Miyagi!

    That damn accountant. I thought it was pretty fishy that he was knocked off so early in the movie. I have to admit, I didn’t expect him to show up and be such a royal prick. I think she was too nice by just turning him into hamburger meat, sorry meatloaf.

    And you’re so right. Susan Sarandon’s only role is to guarantee a part due!

    Great tune!

    Your favourite Canadian Chick

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey, thanks Canada chick. And you was right, this was a great fucking movie! And I didn’t even have to read the book to keep up!

      Accent or not accent, she’s a bad ass hot chick for sure. But the accent . . it makes me wonder how in the fuck we won the war against them.

      Chuck is a teddy bear in comparison.

      Bobby nailed this one, and hopefully he gets to nail Lindy in the sequel. As for Stanley, he’s a smart version of my Uncle Vito. Then again, everybody is a smart version of dat guy.

      I woulda tortured the guy for a couple weeks. I hear certain wise guys have been known to do such things . . .

      Susan Sarandon is plenty good in my book too. And she’s smart, which is a plus!

      Thanks again Canada chick!

      Liked by 1 person

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