Heroes Of The Week!

Captain America

It was a meh week for yours truly as I tried to catch up on sleep by getting even less of it. And the news wasn’t doing me any favors as per my Friday fix. There was more Mueller, because we ain’t ever getting enough. I’m sure John Gotti is looking at all these investigations into President Trump and going “Va fangul! This guy’s dirtier than I evah wuz!” And he wouldn’t be wrong.

The Toronto Raptors did become the first Canadian team to make the NBA finals, with that dime on a dollar talent Drake prowling the sidelines annoying the shit out of everyone. How can he call himself a Raptors fan if he has tats of two Golden State Warriors? I say we impeach his sorry ass.

Regular Local Joe Hero: Dandon Miller of Lancaster County, Pa celebrated Memorial Day weekend most symbolically. The motorcyclist was traveling on U.S. 30 when traffic ground to a halt. He jumped from his bike to find an injured bald eagle that had been struck by a passing vehicle laying in the middle of the road. Miller used his flannel shirt to scoop her up and the two waited on the side of the road for a bird rescue unit to arrive. Thanks to Miller, the eagle is going to make a full recovery. Hey Philly, you’s guys should git this dude season tickets!

Mailing It In: What do you get the mailman who has delivered everything over a thirty five year career? How’s about a dream trip to Hawaii. So beloved is Floyd Martin of Marietta Georgia, that the peeps along his delivery route have done just that. They started a GoFundMe page that hit their $5,000 goal, after which it kept on collecting more zeroes on the tail end. And then Delta Airlines decided they wanted to crash this postal party, offering Mr Martin a free ride. Hey Newman, eat your heart out! Muchas gracias to Frank at A Frank Angle for this special delivery.

Net Results: It’s WELL past time the MLB gets its shit straight as far as protective netting along the baselines is concerned. On Wednesday night, a young girl was struck in the head by a foul ball off the bat of Cubs outfielder Albert Almora Jr. The scene was heart wrenching as Almora dropped to the ground in tears after seeing what had happened. The little girl is going to be fine, and outside of her parents and relatives, there is no one more relieved than Almora. But this didn’t have to happen. The MLB has to get uniform with its protective netting, rather than letting each stadium dictate the parameters. These geniuses who can monetize every facet of the game can most certainly find a way to wrap the baselines in netting while keeping the players accessible to the fans at the same time. Make it happen, Rob Manfred.

Regular Local Joe Zero: The dude in front of me at the grocery store who forgot eggs, after he had his shit on the conveyor . . . and told the cashier to hold up . . . so he could go to the other side of the store to grab them. She politely declined, telling him she would finish it up, bag his things and suspend his order until he returned. He looked at her as if this technology had just been invented yesterday. In my next life, I want to be that blissfully stupid.

Just when you think you’ve heard it all: A teacher at The Chapel School- a private school in Westchester County, New York- was fired after holding a mock slave auction with her fifth grade social studies class. She chose her black students to act as the slaves and dressed them in imaginary chains. Just . . . wow.

Miles to go before they sleep: On the flip side of that kind of forgettable, Imma dish up a story about two fellas who plan on cruising through forty eight states in nineteen days in a Corvette. And no, this isn’t a reboot on the Clark Griswold franchise. It’s Mike Straub and his son, Adam. And they’re laying down serious tread marks from coast to coast as they raise money for Autism Action Partnership; an organization that provides services for people on the spectrum. Because that . . is how they roll.

Rest in Peace, Officer Eli: 

Officer Eli

Those who serve come in all shapes, sizes and breeds. And a Gwinnett County Police K9 Officer by the name of Eli served his community with a quiet diligence for the past eight years. Eli joined the force at the age of one and was the partner of Officer Matthew Bonanno. The two were chasing a suspect recently when the German Shepherd began showing signs of distress. Bonanno rushed him to a veterinary clinic where Eli passed away a short time later. County authorities led a procession from the Gwinnett County Police Training Center to Oak Rest Pet Cemetery in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania where he was laid to rest.

When we remember all the brave men and women who put on a uniform every day and especially those who make the ultimate sacrifice in the line of duty, let’s make a point not to forget man’s best friend.

Haiku Ca Choo

If you know my blog at all, you know I ain’t down with the haiku. There’s a reason for that, and it’s rather simple. I’m shit for when it comes to budgeting my words. When it comes to thoughts put to paper, I spend more than a Washington bureaucrat after a three Martini breakfast.

That’s why my attempts at poetry and haiku are (unintentionally) hilarious. I don’t dig on greeting cards, I have nothing to talk about on Twitter and I cannot for the life of me figure out how the whole 5 to 7 to 5 thing makes any sense. But . . . Imma try a haiku on for size since it’s Tuesday. And as far as horoscopes are concerned, I’ve given Taurus enough beatings. (Gemini? You’re in my batter’s box).

Without further to do, a haiku.

Things overheard in line at Starbucks

Skim, soy and angry

A specific pettiness

These people suck balls

Snide of the Yankees

All that romance I was painting when I wrote about a day at the ballpark turned out to be a much needed prescription for my home town Bombers. Because after being held to one run in that eleven inning loss last Saturday, they exploded for thirteen runs the next day. And they haven’t lost since. I like to think we served as a baseball talisman for the pinstripes. It’s not the coziest notion, seeing as how there are thirty thousand peeps who think the same thing. But it still counts.

Anyways . . I figured since I was gifted with some free baseball at no additional cost (since the MLB hasn’t figured out how to tack that on yet ), Imma pass it along in kind.

  • The only time a hot dog is an entree is at the ballpark. Something happens to the little fuckers on the other side of the gates that ups the flavor equation exponentially. There’s nothing like having a dog at the game, because the game is the only place it tastes like Kobe beef with a fried egg on top.
  • That thirty thousand (or thereabouts) was the attendance for a Saturday afternoon first place showdown in which the weather was picture perfect says everything about the insane price structure of game tickets. In the quest to make each game an “experience”, the MLB has beaten the living shit out of the sticker price. I’d be sadder if I didn’t have the MLB network on speed dial.
  • As for those prices, it ain’t reserved for the seats. We grabbed a foot long, a bucket of chicken tenders and garlic fries with three drinks for the princely sum of $51 U.S. Mantles. I could have hosted a BBQ block party for less.

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  • And no, alcohol was not included in that price, which would have added a ten spot to the bill.
  • Because I do not drink alcohol when the sun is in prime time. It’s not because I’m an alcoholic vampire, but thanks to the memory of a football game in Baltimore in the middle aughts when I made merry under the sun. The resultant headache had me wishing I was Tracy Mills from the movie Seven.
  • The wave has made a comeback at stadiums across the country. And it made me wonder where this collective psychosis originated, so I found this article that settles the matter.
  • It should be illegal for a man to wear a jersey . . even at the ballgame. It also should be illegal for a woman not to wear a jersey, wherever they like. Sorry dudes, they’re just better at it.
  • Is it wrong to feel provoked when I see a flat bill on a baseball cap?
  • Eleven dollars for a 16 oz Bud Light is only worth it if there’s a bottle of Jim Beam inside the can.
  • If you’re not in line to see Monument Park before 11:50 am, you’re out of luck. The gates open at 11:30 am. We were unaware of this short window as we strolled over to find our seats and then grabbed some dogs before heading over. We made it with three minutes to spare. Babe Ruth’s number was three. Coincidence? Probably, but I like to think the dogs worked in our favor. Even at six bucks a pop.
  • As we waited in line to get into the Stadium, a sixty something dude who was six pack pregnant took off his t-shirt to put on his Rays jersey. If I hadn’t already spent forty five bucks to park my car, I’d have given him a fifty spot to keep his t-shirt on. We’re standing right in front of a fucking sign that prohibits just about everything short of breathing but this guy can go horror story on our eyeballs. Jesus!

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  • Why is it that conversations about sports always seem so smart when you’re spikes deep in them, but mindless when you’re eavesdropping?

About that Seinfeld skit: I spotted a fella of Italian descent several rows below us sporting a Jason Giambi t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. And my mind went here . . .

George: (Laughing) Jer, check out the guy in the fake Giambi jersey . . . amateur.
Jerry: Wait a minute . . are the sleeves cut off?
George: They are! Do you think he cut them off on purpose?
Jerry: What other possible explanation is there?
George: Who does that?!
Jerry: It’s unheard of!
George: There’s no room for people like this in civilized society!

From there, Jerry engages the fan in a conversation that goes sideways. After which Jerry and George end up being escorted from the Stadium by security.

  • The shift is the new phone booth stuffing. Scientifically speaking, it’s when the defense only butters one side of the bagel. It’s done so’s the hitter can’t pull the ball into real estate where they ain’t and it looks something like this.

The Shift

  • Players don’t know how to bunt any longer because bunts don’t get them paid.
  • It’s frightening how many dudes leave the men’s room without washing their hands.
  • What do you answer hot dogs, chicken tenders and a pound of garlic fries with? The responsible choice would’ve been salads, ice water and laxatives. Let the record show that a case of White Castles ain’t the responsible choice.

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Welp, that’ll do it. I’d like to send out a special thank you to Gary Cooper’s stylish Brylcreem, Derek Jeter’s tarnished reputation and the lost (then found) files of Kate Smith.

Always bet diamonds.

Heroes Of The Week!

Wonder Woman

When traffic is a righteous jam- My Regular Joe and Jane Heroes of the Week award goes to . . the couple who stopped their car on the shoulder of the highway the other day and proceeded to escort a family of geese to safety. I rode up on the congestion with a laundry list of four lettered questions but was quieted . . . most righteously.

Kick up the leaves, and the Magic is lost- I dig Magic Johnson but I ain’t digging his walking back his role in the Lakers debacle. He insists he never promised to put aside his other business interests when he took a job that demands round the clock commitment. But he did promise to do just that, back in 2017. He won’t apologize for not reaching out to anyone before stepping down, which is weak. He thinks he can deny anything just because he’s Magic, and he’s probably right. Doesn’t mean I gotta like it.

Say “Squeeze!”- Sisters Hannah and Hailey Hager have taken it upon themselves to make lemonade out of lunch debt. They need lots of lemons for the $3,100 their elementary school classmates owe, but they got this. They’re spending their spring squeezing out that debt, and they even have a FB page. Go girls!

Future Headline Number 1- “Trump Library to house largest collection of porn in the world”

How ya like me now?- Jose Simms will never be confused with John Dillinger. The 29 year old Connecticut man is wanted on seven warrants, so he promised to turn himself in if his “Wanted” pic received 15,000 likes on Facebook. He hasn’t shown in spite of passing 25,000 likes, but it’s only a matter of time when your negotiating ploy is to have as many people as humanly possible get a good look at your mug.

Heart of the matter- One minute Brennan Connell was pitching for his Olathe West High School team, and the next he was having a heart attack. And while the thought of a 16 year old having a heart attack is impossible to wrap your head around, more than 7,000 children experience cardiac arrest every year. The fact that he’s alive to tell his story is entirely the result of some quick thinking fans who performed CPR and grabbed an AED to keep his heart beating. Now THAT is a box score worth chattering about.

A wonderful day in the neighborhood- Governor Tom Wolf declared yesterday “143 Day” in Pennsylvania. He picked the 143rd day of the year to celebrate the late Fred Rogers, who would often use the code number 143 to say I love you to viewers of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. It will heretofore become a day for spreading kindness. Fat chance it goes national, but ya gotta start somewhere.

Future Headline Number 2- “Baltimore Orioles pitching staff to receive FEMA assistance”

What a drag(on)!- And now Game of Thrones fans know how it feels when the story you love gets rushed to the finish line. Because now we have the 2019 model for Godfather III. So Imma dish up some advice to GOT fans. If you re-watch the series, keep it to six seasons. Seven and eight are dead to you now. There aren’t gonna be any re-writes so quit your crying and move on. And . . you’re welcome.

The winds of war on a loop- The Pentagon is at it again. They pushed a plan yesterday that would send 10,000 more troops to the Middle East. They insist they’re not trying to provoke Iran. I guess they’re just looking to keep ’em company.

Future Headline Number 3- “Denny’s introduces new dessert, ‘Impeachment Pie'”

A hole lot of tax payer money- Donald Trump came up with another way to ‘borrow’ our hard earned green, thanks to his 175 golf outings to the tune of $100 million Palmers, and counting. The kicker is that all but one of these trips were to a Trump owned golf course. The double dipper in chief sure knows how to . . . wait for it . . drive us up a wall.

Ticket to ride- Rajai Davis’s career reads of a baseball nomad, with eight major league stops over a thirteen year career. The thirty eight year old spent Wednesday night living his ninth life as a brand new member of the New York Mets, thanks to an Uber driver named Jason. Davis got a call on Wednesday evening informing him he’d been signed by the Mets. So he hopped an Uber from Allentown Pa and was delivered to Citi Field in Queens, New York three hours later. Davis put a W.P. Kinsella blue ribbon on his journey by smashing a three run homer in a Mets win a couple hours later. Welcome back, kid.

First Draft Horosopes

Today’s Birthday! 

You are exceptionally witty and playful, on account of the Zanax whose street corner prescription means that it’s three right turns and a couple hundred miles south of the calming effect it should be having on you. Psychotropic medications in a brown paper bag are so much more fun, until they ain’t.

The youthful quality to your personality means you’re first in line for climbing mountains and skydiving. Stealing ear buds from the electronics department at Target is simply bonus round. You are highly creative on a mental level. Or is it, you are highly mental on a creative level? Yeah . . the latter, definitely the latter.

You tend to be short on patience, and you also tend to feel that others don’t move nearly as quickly as you do, which . . . tends to mean you have few friends. Since you also tend to express your thoughts on the matter, like, all the time. Maybe you should pop another Zanax and worry about the ramifications after you’ve been fitted with a padded suit.

 

 

I Got 99 Problems But A Pitch Ain’t One

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Going to the new Yankee Stadium is an exercise in the megalomaniacal excesses of old money crashing head long into new money and making babies; entitled little creatures whose trust funded silver spoon was upgraded to platinum in the reboot. For a culture stuck in a perpetual hunger for all things next gen, this joint plays a peach melody.

I’m plenty fine with the new digs, really. It’s just that, as a Yankee fan of a certain age . . I adhere to the bargain basement sensibility that asks, “If it’s swimming just fine, why the harpoon?”. Of course, just like Jeopardy whiz James Holzhauer, I know the answer before the question is set into its stone foundation. Yankee Stadium Part 3 is a masterstroke of inevitability run amok. Where sports stadiums have become premium tier caviar cribs, loosing a greed-think philosophy which has turned a day at the ballgame into a Disney vacation replete with fine restaurants and overpriced everything else. Seats have become investments, patrons have become guests and season tickets have turned into catching a couple games a year, maybe.

I miss the Yankee Stadium that was replaced by this one. The history of that place alone should have placed it on the National Register of Historic Places. The names that played its stage define an epoch of sporting accomplishment. From Ruth, Gehrig and DiMaggio to Mantle, Jackson and Jeter. Not to mention the rivals who graced the coliseum of a golden age: Jackie Robinson, Willie Mays, Ted Williams, Satchel Paige and Hank Aaron. And that’s just the first chapter.

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And oh yeah . . Knute Rockne and Vince Lombardi coached there. Joe Louis and Max Schmeling fought there. The 1958 Title Game (“The Greatest Game Ever Played”) between the Colts and Giants was played there. And Pope Paul VI and later Pope John Paul II celebrated mass there. And that’s just chapter two.

As we’ve seen, Cathedrals do fall and time is an impatient beast when it comes to change. Hell, the game has been transformed into a stat geek’s paradise; what with infield shifts that resemble pileups on the BQE and players who don’t know what a bunt looks like, and feast or famine box scores. But through it all, the game is really still as simple as a pitcher telling a little white pill what to do while a batter tries to talk it into doing something else.

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So it was that I took my son and his young bride to see the Yankees play the Tampa Bay Rays on Saturday afternoon, in a battle for first place in the American League East. A match-up of team aces, with the Yankees sending out Masahiro Tanaka and the Rays answering with 2018 AL Cy Young award winner Blake Snell. Thing about aces, there are expectations. The crowd expects A plus cooking, so when he starts scribbling B work, the chatter can get colorful. I happen to think there’s a beauty to watching a pitcher negotiate outs from the third rail. And these two pitchers ransomed zeroes from their respective arsenals, as if devils at the wheel. Tanaka’s four seamer was flat lining and his slider called in sick and yet, he was able to muster six scoreless innings before getting hit on the shin and becoming the latest Yankee to hit the injured list, which reads like a Hemingway tally.

His counterpart, Blake Snell, has stuff that’s more wicked than a trigger happy ridge runner. And while his curve ball wasn’t fooling anyone, his Hi-Lo game kept the home team at bay; with a fastball that salted the rim and a change up that tossed them into the drink time after hopeless time.

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One of my favorite things about the game is the down time, with which a writer chisels out Longfellow, Hopper and even a little Seinfeld. I talked with my son about that magical ride of a ’96 Yankees club. And then I studied the iconic facade that wraps itself around the holler of blue seats whilst pitching a Seinfeld skit inspired by the Goombah with the Giambi t-shirt a couple rows south of us that had the kids cracking up. We figured out the Yankees Rushmore somewhere in between.

As is my baseball ritual, I honed in on the infinite ripples of a game. Like how Tanaka stops on a dime at the quarter pole of his delivery. And how Luke Voit plays first base like the most earnest of rugby players. And how Kevin Kermaier of the Rays became my Grand Master of a most favorite baseball funk, with his insane between pitch stretches and his bantering to teammates and that Tarantino howitzer of an arm.

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As is the new age custom, the bullpen took the keys a little more than halfway through and outside of a few hiccups, they made it into extra innings after a Gio Urshela drive to deep right died two feet short of a walk off home run celebration for the Bombers. In Kermaier’s mitt, because of course. And then Austin Meadows of the Rays tore a moon beam into those same right field seats two innings later to give the visitors the lead for good.

The 2-1 win gave the Rays temporary possession of first place. And from the looks of it, these guys are intent on being a thorn in the sides of baseball royalty this season. Talent is the greatest equalizer, and when you have the chops to do something about it, you always got next.

Because some things never go out of style.

Heroes Of The Week!

Super Man

Imma try something new this week with my Heroes entry by giving y’all briefs on my heroes and zeros rather than prattling on. I got the idea after reading an article which claimed that readers tend to lose interest if they have to read more than a few paragraphs on a given topic. I forget what the rest of the article said, but I was duly inspired to exercise brevity. I’m sure there will be instances where I will prattle on. Take this explanation, for instance . . .

Mother Nature- The balls on this chick. There was snow in New England this week. Not the movie set Styrofoam shit either. As Lou Gramm opined, head games . . I can’t take it anymore!

Favorite headline from the Globe, or The National Examiner- “It’s not Harry’s Baby!”. Personally, I would have gone with Royal Flush! or Check Mated! But whatevs.

Wise beyond her years- I’ve been a critic of Team Process in Philadelphia, because I think any professional organization that soaks its fans for half a decade and then dresses it up in analytics should be brought up on charges. But the Sixers are fun, and Joel Embiid crying on the court after losing to Toronto touched me, okay?

Leave it to a nine year old Sixers fan named Olivia to sum things up best of all.

Readers ain’t writers (Spoiler Alert)- Palenty of Game of Thrones fans went carazy over how last week’s episode went down, so lemme simplify for the simpletons. Jaime proved you never outrun your past. Dany predicted how this was going to go down ages ago. And all those innocents? Picked the wrong kingdom to buy a house in. War ain’t tidy, kingdoms are won on equal parts guile and brutality and if you want a happy ending, go to Friendly’s. That is all.

A long time coming- Pete Sabedra waited a long time to earn his high school diploma. More than seventy years, in fact. When Pete was in the eighth grade, he had to drop out of high school to support his family. After serving in WW2, he received his GED.

Fast forward to now, where the 92 year old Sabedra was presented with a diploma during the awards ceremony in which his grandson Kace received his diploma. He was named an honorary member of the class of 2019. The moral is, it’s never too late.

Favorite headline from the the National Examiner, or The Globe-
“Betty White’s Wild Life!- Cocktails, Close Friends and Hot Dogs” My God, what a hedonist she was!

When jokes go South(west)- During an hours long maintenance delay on a recent Southwest flight, a passenger’s innocent joke got serious. Quickly. As attendants were handing out water, a passenger remarked “They should be handing out vodka, we’ve been waiting so long,”. Rather than let the joke die a cornhole death, an attendant shot back at the passenger and then informed authorities of an unruly passenger.

The plane did a u-turn and the passenger was removed from the flight, to the protests of all the passengers who had witnessed the exchange. Hopefully, this attendant will visit the website peoplewhoareeasilyoffendedbythestupidestshit.com.

Uncommon strength- Journalist Jayson Greene has written a book Once More We Saw Stars. It’s a memoir which details the anguish of losing a child. Greene and his wife Stacy lost their two year old daughter Greta in 2015 when a brick fell from an eighth story windowsill and struck her in the head. She died the next day.

Greene’s book is filled with painful, sobering images. But it also speaks to the crumbling infrastructure of New York City, and the desperate need for action so that this does not happen to someone else. It always amazes me to find people like this, who contribute to humanity in the face of unspeakable loss. God bless them.

Boycott Alabama- Of course, I ain’t ever visiting the place to begin with. And I don’t know too many folks who are. But it’s time to strike back at legislators who recently signed an abortion bill into law that truly belongs in the dark ages. Shameful.

Favorite headline of the week from the New York Post- “Here Cons The Bride”- ‘Husband’ sues car heiress for faking their wedding

All heroism is local- One minute Duana Owens was sitting outside a Wells Fargo branch minding his own business, and the next he’s getting a Sorryless mention.

Owens watched a man enter and then rapidly exit the bank, brandishing a hatchet on the flip side no less. Undeterred, Owens sprang into action. He ordered the culprit to lower his weapon and to get on the ground. After a few tense moments, he did as Owens had instructed. “(Police) said they really couldn’t find too many citizens like me,” Owens said proudly. No kidding.

Welp, that’s a wrap for this week. Apologies to those who never made it out of the green room, like . . . NYC Mayor DiBlasio turned Presidential candidate #714, the troll who wished cancer on talk show host James Corden’s kid and as always . . Chancellor Trump.