In The Darkness Came A Light

Kim Kardashian called. She wants her first world problems back.

Okay, maybe it’s not quite as dreadful or hopeless as Vladimir Putin was hoping it might turn out. Unless you hang out on the Twitter or Reddit sites, which I do not recommend you do unless dystopian soap opera plots are your jam. And just so you know, I’m not saying Vlad the Impaler of Hope had anything to do with this virus. His powers are limited to horse back riding without a shirt, eating cinnamon encrusted beef jerky without need for water and fucking with our elections.

Europe currently has a “Do Not Disturb” sign up as it has been hit especially hard. Tom Hanks and his lovely wife Rita are literally castaways as we speak. The Utah Jazz have gotten more pub than if they would have won the NBA title simply by having a couple of players test positive. Americans of all stations and status from coast to coast are providing an ever expanding face to this virus.

You know things have gotten serious when sports get shut down, because nothing gets in the way of our sports. Not two World Wars. Not the assassination of a President. Not even September 11th. But the dominoes which began with the cancellation of March Madness has crept into the NBA and NHL suspending play while the MLB has scrapped spring training and is moving back opening day.

Without benefit of games, ESPN has had to rely on journalism. Which is another way of saying that ratings have plummeted. Casinos are closing. Retailers are posting limits on toilet paper and hand sanitizer purchases. Web MD is currently a more popular site than Porn Hub.

If you’re young, consider this a vacation from the every day. Your immune systems are assembly line peach in comparison to us folks of a certain age. I’m in that notoriously provocative middle earth population of peeps who consider sneezing a four letter word. And if this tunnel doesn’t start giving us a little sunlight, we may have to resort to punching anyone who coughs inside our bubble. Nothing personal, of course.

And really, that’s the whole thing right there, isn’t it? This isn’t personal, unless we really want to make it so. Because right now, as a species, we still have the ability to stoke that fledgling spirit inside us that believes humanity is a pretty okay place to be. Even on its shittiest days, the world usually gives us something to latch onto. Hope really is riding shotgun, idiomatically speaking. And now more than ever, this is happening if we extricate ourselves from dark web searches for toilet paper and hand sanitizers. If we just let ourselves consider that human beings have been through a hell of a lot worse than this. Hell, we somehow survived the election of 2016, after all.

Let’s just sit back and take a deep breath, and let’s consider someone who has tested positive. Let’s think about what their families and friends are going through right now before we whine about not having picked up extra beer and chips in the event we’re holed up for a couple weeks time. Let’s just put ourselves in someone else’s head for a simple moment, and do something novel inside a time when looking out for yourself has become status. Let’s pray for them. That they make it through this thing with nothing more than a lousy t-shirt. Humanity is the only inventory we should be concerned with right now. Because to my way of thinking, the darkest of times is when the light is needed most. So it’s okay if our grocery list consists of a little humility, a little compassion and a whole lot of gratitude.

There’s a town called Siena, tucked inside a hilly region of Tuscany between the valleys and the clouds. Italy has been hit especially hard by COVID-19 and so the residents of this charming little medieval arrangement of castles and cathedrals have been relegated to their homes as a result. But rather than bemoan this solitary existence fraught with ever more daunting scenarios, the people of Siena fixed themselves on a different approach. On the night of March 13th, one of the quarantined residents let loose with a song that floated from one window to another to another . . until the entire street was draped in music.

So this one little song from this one little town, I gotta think maybe it was telling us something. Maybe it was telling us that to dwell on the bold font headlines of gloom and doom is to miss the point. Maybe instead of focusing on what we are inside these moments, maybe we should focus on something much more powerful.

What we can be.

 

Best Of Heroes Of The Week!

As per an idea suggested by Susannah B, I’m offering up a “Best Of” episode. And not a moment too soon, since Heroes turned a year old . . . in December. That’s right, I only missed the first anniversary of Heroes by . . . four months.

Heroes first debuted on December 7, 2018 and it was titled “Top Five Heroes Of The Week”, which was soon abbreviated to “Top 5 Heroes Of The Week” and finally “Heroes Of The Week”. If you’ve been reading since those days, you know I dished these puppies up in equal amounts of likes and yikes back then. I even posted a “Villains of the Week” episode last August. Alas, it was the only such venture and the good guys bought the joint for good on December 5 when Heroes became Zero-Free.

So this is how it’s going to work. I ain’t utilized brevity on this post, because I’ll be damned if I’m going to cut to the music before it’s time. Besides, you peeps who know the what’s what on Heroes will spot those stories that hit you in the feels back when you read them the first time. So just sidle up to them and get reunited with that spell. And for those of you who may be new to this stretch of moment? Just pick a story, any story. Find the something that allows you to learn the world for all its winning and losing of a crazy beautiful chance.

Just go with it.

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(March 1, 2019) This story was courtesy of the lovely Dale at A Dalectable Life

Carey Price is a goaltender for the Montreal Canadiens, and if you’ve never heard of him before, you’re probably an American. And that’s alright, because Price is doing his thing without our help. He’ll never be the owner of the Patriots, or an NBA mogul. But he’s writing checks to a constellation that never minds all that jazz, so it’s all good.

Thanks to Montreal Canadien officials and the family of a boy named Anderson, dreams came true during the team’s morning skate recently. The boy’s mother lost her battle with cancer last year, but her echoes reverberate still. Because within these echoes, a promise was made from mother to son; a promise that she would arrange a meeting with him and Carey Price. The fact that she was taken from the world much too soon didn’t silence the heartbeat of that promise.

And so it was that Anderson met his boyhood idol, and in so doing they shined a light into that darkness. Price signed Anderson’s hockey sticks and hockey pucks and his hockey jersey and he gave the kid a hug. And if there is a sporting event known to man that feels as good and as compelling and as worth it as this minute and a half video of a kid and his hero? I want tickets . . front row.

To promises kept.

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(April 12, 2019)Jay Singh is a 7-Eleven store owner in Toledo Ohio who’s just trying to make ends meet. Running a convenience store ain’t the easiest gig, what with small margins and long hours and peeps trying to dig into those profits by taking your inventory free of charge.

Which is exactly what happened recently when an employee at the store informed Singh that a teenager was shoplifting. Singh went back and checked the cameras and sure enough, the kid in question had a serious case of the hot pockets. And so at this point, you wouldn’t have blamed the guy for dialing up 911. Because, yanno . . he’s got a business to run? And he’s not related to the Paisleys.

Singh did no such thing. Instead he asked the young shoplifter a simple question. Why? To which the kid replied that he was hungry, and that he was stealing food for himself and his kid brother. It was all Singh needed to hear.

The store owner went on a mini-shopping spree- collecting sausage rolls and sandwiches, chips and pizza and a 2 liter soda for the young man. Because he thought it a better idea to give him something rather than take something away by having him arrested. Because Singh’s bottom line doesn’t begin and end with cash money. Because sometimes, it really is better to give than to receive. Singh’s gesture inspired one of his customers- Cedric Bishop- to give the kid a ten spot. I mean, can you imagine being inside that moment with these people? It must have felt as if God was watering the lawn.

I like that idea just fine.

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(April 18, 2019)- Father Jean-Marc Fournier is the chaplain of the Paris Fire Brigade. As fire laid waste to the roof of Notre Dame Cathedral, Fournier insisted on re-entering the structure in an attempt to retrieve some of the priceless artifacts housed within.

He was joined by a group of rescue workers who formed a human chain in order to save the Crown of Thorns- believed to have been worn by Jesus during the crucifixion- and the tunic of Saint Louis which was worn by King Louis IV when he brought the crown to Paris.

Fournier has a resume of doing this kind of thing. He served as a military chaplain in Afghanistan before joining the Fire Brigade. In the aftermath of the 2015 Bataclan terrorist attacks, he helped to evacuate the victims. He also gave absolution to those lost in the attacks.

Holy Week always feels quiet to me, but never more so than after this trying week. That hush of appreciation for the mysteries that might hold answers, it speaks to me this time of year. And I do hold to the idea that all is never lost.

Only misplaced.

(July 19, 2019)- The Seattle Sounders football club played more than just a game the other night when they started Bheem Goyal in goal. The eight year old is battling Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, and so the Sounders- in conjunction with the Make-A-Wish Foundation- made Goyal’s dream of being a goalkeeper come true. They signed him to a contract, after which he opened things up by standing in goal for Seattle and gobbling up a shot on goal. He then exited the game between the Sounders and Dortmund to a standing ovation, receiving high fives from both sides. They don’t call it the beautiful game for nothing.

Abigail Arias — that's Officer Arias 758 to you — was sworn in by Freetown Police Chief Raymond Garivey in February.

(August 9 2019)- 7 year old Abigail Arias got to live out a dream job on Tuesday night, thanks to the peeps at the Blue Lives Matter Foundation. They organized a trip to New York City for Arias and her family so she could don the uniform of an MTA police officer. Abigail and her family also met with the NYPD Police Commissioner James O’Neill, and they visited other units across the city.

Arias has an incurable form of kidney cancer and so time is no longer something she or her family take for granted. Instead, they are grateful to borrow as much of the stuff as they can get their hands on. This little girl was sworn in as an honorary police officer in her hometown of Freeport, Texas back in February. And now this. And tomorrow, they’ll get to stepping on something else. Because in Abigail’s world, there is no time for hate or divisiveness and all the ugliness that comes with it.

There’s only time enough to dream.

(Abigail lost her battle in November. In a Facebook post, Chief Raymond Garivey said it would be his duty and privilege to heed the lessons taught to him by Officer Arias 758. He ended the post by saying “I love you Abigail”).

Hero Kid

(August 29, 2019)- Eight year old Christian Moore didn’t think twice when he saw his classmate Connor Crites struggling on his first day of school. He didn’t laugh, shake his head or judge Connor for having a meltdown right in front of their whole class.

Moore didn’t know Crites has autism or that he finds it extremely difficult to fit in with other kids. All Christian saw was a friend in need. So he did what any good friend would do. He sat with Connor as he cried, and then he held his hand and walked with him into school. No shaming, no blaming. Just love, in a not so random act of kindness that made all the difference in the world to one little boy.

That’s the problem with us adults. We tend to forget the power of compassion, and that it is every bit as much of a currency as all that dope we peddle to make us smarter and richer and stronger and younger. The difference with compassion is that the stuff has no expiration date. It will never leave us broke. Or empty. Or alone. And it is full of the kinds of nutrients that do a body and soul the most good. Lessons.

That picture is worth a thousand of ’em.

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September 19, 2019 Appreciating the good guys shouldn’t be a sometimes thing, reserved for national holidays or somber occasions. Because duty isn’t a sometimes thing for the men and women who put on a uniform every day. It doesn’t mean they’re infallible and it doesn’t mean their actions cannot be questioned. But to slant our opinions on every uniform is to miss out on cops like Bobby White, who became known as “the basketball cop” after video of him responding to a noise complaint in Gainesville, Florida went viral a few years back.

A white cop makes the scene where black kids are hanging out, things can go sideways in a hurry. Bobby White defused the situation by letting them know he had no problem with some kids balling. He even joined in. It wasn’t a “look at me” moment, but rather, a “look at us” moment, as in . . look at all the better outcomes we might achieve with just a little bit of understanding and some dialogue.

So the other day, The Meritorious Q sent me the “rematch” of that pickup game that happened three years ago but is still scoring all this time later. White brought Shaquille O’Neal out with him for another round, and it was such a brilliant spin move on what had already proven to be a wonderful story. Of hope. Because Shaq provides the kind of soul hug that doesn’t just light up the room he enters, it provides electricity for the entire neighborhood.

It was a valuable reminder that we don’t have to let anyone tell us what the world is supposed to look like. Because the better can happen from our rolled up sleeves to the tips of our fingers. In the quiet of our daily breaths to the pulse of a great big world that isn’t so frightfully hopeless when you let the ball bounce, and you let the kids play. Imagine the places we might find when the noise ceases to be a complaint, and becomes something else entirely.

An embrace.

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October 4, 2019 When I write these posts up, I’m always on the lookout for something I’ve never felt before. And Chloe Dorsey paid me in full with her superwoman exploits at a state park. The Georgia woman was out for a run when she spotted a deer that was stuck in a metal fence. So she bent the bars to release it . . because of course she can! After running a few hundred feet, the deer got stuck in another fence. And Imma include the video, because it speaks to the fight we need to keep on pushing and the love that fuels the try.

The kids in Wilmette, Illinois, appreciate Alec Childress.

(October 18, 2009)- Alec Childress is the great grandson of a slave. When he was fourteen years old, his father left their Mississippi cotton farm to look for work up North, leaving his son in charge. Later on, when his family joined his father, Alec had to go to work as a dishwasher in order to pay for his schooling.

Alec learned the value of hard work and a positive attitude from an early age; a mindset that served him well in his thirty six years of working construction. And just twenty eight days into his retirement, Alec decided he didn’t feel like sitting around at home so he took a job as a crossing guard in Wilmette, Illinois

For the last fourteen years, Childress has been dealing up stories and smiles to go along with his trademark “Peace, I gotcha!”. He has come to own the corner of 9th Street and Lake Avenue, turning an intersection into the heart and soul of a neighborhood.

And so for his eightieth birthday, the neighborhood said thank you by throwing him a surprise party. Yard signs greeted him with “Peace, we gotcha!” and students who had moved on to middle school and high school returned to take part in the festivities. One girl who was off to London for college made it a point to stop by to wish her favorite crossing guard a happy birthday as well. In all, more than a hundred people showed up with cookies and gifts, and plenty of hugs.

“For me to be able to experience that kind of love tells me we have more good in the world than the bad,” Childress said. “It reaffirms my knowledge and belief in people.”

Well, he started it.

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(October 25, 2019)- Milwaukee police officer Kevin Zimmerman brings more than a badge and his service issued particulars to the job every day. He also happens to bring a heart and soul whose perspective gleans best case scenarios from trying situations. As he did during a traffic stop recently when he came through for a young mother and her three children. Zimmerman had pulled over Andrella Jackson for driving with an improper registration, after which he saw that her young children were not in car seats. Jackson explained that she’d just bought the car at auction, but could not afford car seats for the kids. Zimmerman decided not to issue her a citation . . and then he bought the kids some car seats. That’s called a good day’s work, and then some.

Evoni Williams

(November 8, 2019)- And finally, we wrap things up with a Waffle House story that doesn’t involve armed robbery. It’s a story that involves doing the right thing, and a social media storm that actually worked out to everybody’s benefit. Imagine that!

Evoni Williams has this dream of going to college. She’s eighteen years old and a waitress at Waffle House, so you know she’s serious about it since the hours are unkind and the work exhausting. Dreams are circuitous in nature, and hers requires an apron and a fifth gear, to which she abides. So when an elderly gentleman came in and asked for assistance cutting his food because his hands weren’t functioning so well, Williams was on it. And so was Laura Wolf, who snapped a pic of the moment and posted it to Facebook. Because not every snapshot that goes viral is a gotcha moment. Sometimes a person just gets all wrapped up in the human effort and has to share it with the world.

“It was so busy in here, and she actually took the time to stop and hear what he had to say instead of walking past him. That just meant something to me,” Wolf told KHOU-TV.

The world noticed.

The City of La Marque, Texas awarded Williams with her own day . . .

Bonus News Item! . . . Now that is a holiday worth celebrating.

Williams was then rewarded with a $16,000 scholarship donated by Texas Southern University. And this dream of hers was coming into focus because of a human moment and a snapshot and a collective embrace that refuted the notion that nothing worthwhile ever happens inside the quiet moments.

This special gal happens to be of the opinion that she did nothing special and she said so herself. “It’s something I would do any other day,” Williams said.

Told ya.

And while I have no doubt that it’s something she would do on any other day, I’m really glad she did it on this particular day. When a bystander decided to break into the regularly scheduled life Williams was busy living, and let the world decide as to just how special a thing this was. And when the vote was in, the results were unanimous.

We won.

(November 25, 2019)- This last story is the best case scenario to an epidemic that’s had this country in a choke hold for more than two decades. It’s yet another story about a kid living on the fringe, until his feelings of isolation become too much. It’s yet another story about guns. But this story, which happened all the way back in May, has a much different ending than so many others.

Keanon Lowe was busy living the life he had imagined in January of 2017. The Gresham Oregon native was working as an offensive analyst for the San Francisco 49ers when he got a phone call that would change his life forever. Taylor Martinek, his best friend since their days at Jesuit High School, had died of an overdose after taking a lethal dose of fentanyl.

Shattered by the news, Lowe picked up the pieces by moving forward. He returned home and took a job at Parkrose High School coaching football and track and field. Last year, he became the school’s security guard as well. He was a living legend in his home state, having played wide receiver for the Oregon Ducks, but that’s not what brought him home.

Lowe saw a community in need, and this mattered more than a peach NFL gig ever could. To him. Because with some people, status is all about living right.

And so it was that Lowe was preparing his team for a district track meet when Angel Granados-Diaz walked into a fourth period government class; wearing a trench coat and carrying a shotgun. Lowe never missed a beat as he brought the student into a clench while wrestling the shot gun away from him. And then he hugged the kid, who is getting the help he needs now, instead of being immortalized as a monster.

“I told him I was there to save him . . I was there for a reason . . and that this is a life worth living . .”

It’s easy to lose our better angels to the hopeless depths of indifference and division. And then the fates bring us someone like Keanon Lowe, who turned a tragic ending into a lifetime of new beginnings. The right person in the right place so that the wrong time would never have a chance. And for one blessed day, flowers were given to the living instead of to the dead.

When faced with the prospect of just another day happening all over again, that hug was busy speaking a different language altogether. It spoke kindly to the wicked fates, two simple words uttered in the silence of a heroic embrace.

Not today.

 

 

 

Heroes Of The Week!

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Unlike most politicians and political pundits, I’m not gonna lie. I never saw Joe Biden happening to the scene the way he has over the past week. I wanted Bloomberg, I feared Bernie and I gained some respect for Buttigieg, even if he had no chance in hell of winning the nomination. See, the thing is, you can’t be civil these days. There has to be some controversy attached to your ass in order to be a viable political commodity.

Thank God for heroes, huh?

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Me Too- Aly Raisman is my hero. I follow one athlete on Twitter . . her. And with good reason, because this young woman is the voice of a movement. A human movement. The three time Olympic gold medal winner condemned the proposed settlement reached between USA Gymnastics and the survivors of Larry Nassar’s reign of horror as USA Gymnastics team doctor. Raisman says the move is a transparent attempt by the organization to push the decades long abuses “under the rug . . . hoping people will forget about it when they watch the Olympics this summer,” She calls for full disclosure by USA Gymnastics and the USOC and I stand with her on this. Her latest interview shows me why I look up to Raisman the way I do. Because she refuses to play the role of victim when tough minded, straight forward advocacy is needed.

It’s why she’s my hero. Every single day.

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I’ll take “Heroes” For 100,000, Alex- Jeopardy game show host Alex Trebek is waging the battle of his life. Stage four pancreatic cancer doesn’t make for very good odds when it comes to survival rates, yet Trebek isn’t throwing back punches for every one that lands on him. He admitted recently that his fight has thrown him into a massive depression most days, to the point where he has questioned whether it’s worth it to go on. But go on he does, and with the kind of spirit and selflessness that has defined his philanthropic efforts for decades.

Trebek recently donated $100,000 to Hope of the Valley Rescue Mission; a non-profit organization that provides food, shelter and hope to those in need. He doesn’t advertise his charitable ways but I’m glad someone divulged his latest contribution. Because the world needs to feel good about itself and the people it houses. Now more than ever. And Alex, he’s doing his part. For the win.

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Brave Hearts- When you think of biker gangs, the idea of intimidation comes to mind. And this is exactly how the non-profit organization BACA wants it, sort of. Lemme ‘splain.

BACA stands for Bikers Against Child Abuse and their goal is to serve and protect the most vulnerable among us. John Paul Lily, known simply as “Chief”, created this group more than twenty years ago with the express intent of being there for abused kids. They’ll convene a meeting with the abused at which time they present them with a biker jacket complete with a BACA patch sewn onto it. Once the child is a member, this entitles them to round the clock protection from their abusers; everything from rides to and from school to showing up in court to provide a supportive presence (If the judge allows). The group does its business by the motto that “No child deserves to live in fear”. Lily and his merry band of saviors is working on it. (Thank you to the lovely Dale for this get).

The Strength in our Stars- Avey Cox has dreams that are so much bigger than her eight year old self. But one of the simplest and most cherished of these dreams was taken from her over the holidays when her father passed away. All those future moments went missing, one of which was the Daddy Daughter Dance held at Van Buren Elementary. Without that most special man in her life, the second grader would not be in attendance.

That’s when the school resource officer Nick Harvey stepped in. Once he learned of the girl’s heartbreaking tale, he reached out to her mother for permission to take little Avey to the dance. The invitation provided a much needed smile for a girl in need of just that, and the color coordinated duo danced the night away. Harvey has offered to be there for any future dances should Avey need a partner. I truly believe every star in the sky is a good deed, shone to us inside the darkest of nights. Harvey’s star shines brightly.

Murfee, a 3-year-old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, won the 2020 Fair Haven mayoral race on March 3.

This last story is dedicated to Sam, who wrote books worth of blog posts on his experiences as a therapy dog over the years. His passing last week leaves a void in the lives of his family and friends and us; all the readers who came to know and love his efforts and exploits. Monika, thank you for shining his light for us to follow. And to Elsa and Stormin Norman . . we love you.

The mayoral results are in for a small Vermont town and voters are raising the (wait for it . . . ) woof. Because the new mayor of Fair Haven is a three year old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel named Murfee. This distinguished gentleman is a certified therapy dog who visits nursing homes, grade schools and hospitals as a member of Caring Canines Therapy Dogs of Southern Vermont.

This tradition of electing a four legged animal to office is two years strong. The idea being to use the position in order to raise money for the needs of the community. What a novel concept, huh? So Murfee will lead all the fund raising campaigns with complete transparency, since he won’t be in the back pocket of any special interest groups. The dude raised almost $600 with a bake sale last year so he knows what he’s doing.

My superhero-meter was stoked to find this story, because it involves all the qualities I look for in my Friday vignettes. It’s got spirit and smarts, joy and hope. Because this seemingly innocuous tradition is all about inclusion rather than division. Indeed, according to Fair Haven’s Town Manager Joe Gunter, it appeals to people of all ages; teaching the kids about civics and reminding the older folks that liars don’t run the system unless we let them.

So to all those peeps who insist that the system has gone to the dogs?

We wish.

 

 

 

 

 

Wordless-ish (Dale-less) Wednesday

Dale is doing the party cruise thing this week, so you’re stuck with me. Apologies in advance as I have no blessed idea how to keep my trap shut even when I’m supposed to. This pic is from downtown Lancaster, a creation of the kids from the Pennsylvania College of Arts and Design. I played around with the image to give it more of a Warhol vibe.

And umm . . no worries. Our photography expert will be back in the office next week.

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Trump: The Interview

 

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I had the choice between watching the final season of The Man in the High Castle or interviewing Donald Trump. And I blew it. But hey, I figured it would be my best chance to get into the White House since it’s painfully apparent they let anybody in these days.

Of course, I should’ve known this was a big mistake when I endured a three hour phone call in which his publicist recited a list of topics that were off limits. I was promised a second interview if I played by the rules, and now I have to decide whether I want to opt in or have a vasectomy. Decisions, decisions!

We will convene in the newly opened Hooters located in the West Wing and I am told not to stray from the restaurant on account of the movie that is being filmed in the Rose Garden. Yep . . it’s a porn.

Trump enters the restaurant and we shake hands. His hands are smaller than Miss Havisham’s dreams in the novel Great Expectations. I decide not to mention this fact since I want to get inside Trump’s head and have a look around. I imagine it has more square footage than my last house. He orders an iced tea and then one of everything off the menu and then tells me he’s got ten minutes . . or however long it takes for his wings to be served.

What are your thoughts on the democratic field? 

Trump- I have no thoughts.

I recognize that. Okay, let me rephrase the question. What is your opinion of the democratic field? 

Trump- They’re all career politicians, socialists, communists, murderers and child rapists.

Those are pretty strong accusations you’re making. Do you care to elaborate on the murderers and child rapists you’re referring to? 

Trump- I never elaborate, it’s a time waster. I say it one time . . and then I say it a hundred more times. And then I retweet it all day.

You do realize that you can’t go around calling people murderers and child rapists in the real world unless you have . . . 

Trump- What’s that? The real world . . what is that?

The real world is the place where you don’t live. 

Trump- What is it like? . . . this place?

Well, up until three years ago it was great. We had no idea how good we had it because we were too busy blaming Obama for everything. 

Trump- I hate that guy.

Who do you like? 

Trump- You’re looking at him.

Let’s go back to your statement about murderers and child rapists. Who are you referring to and what evidence do you have to support these serious allegations? 

Trump- I don’t worry about evidence unless it helps me. When I say they’re murderers and child rapists, I mean they’re just as evil as those people. They don’t have to commit those horrible acts for me to call them those things . . .

Well, actually . . a person WOULD have to commit those atrocious acts . . and then be found guilty in a court of law, before you could refer to them in this way. 

Trump- Says you.

Wow, that’s very mature. 

Trump- Thank you.

Is there any truth to the rumor that Geraldo Rivera will be your Vice President should you win a second term?

Trump- I trust Pence with my life. But if he ever screwed me over, I would bury him as many times as you could bury a person. Then yes . . Geraldo would be a great choice. Not that I need to win over the Hispanics because you know, they love me already.

Let’s talk about the border wall.

Trump- You can ask me anything.

As part of your 2016 Campaign-alooza, you pledged that the wall would be completed in three and a half years at a cost of twenty one million dollars and that Mexico would pay for it. But that hasn’t happened. In fact, the Pentagon is slashing programs and siphoning those monies to use for border wall construction. Also . . your administration recently announced it had built 100 miles of wall but failed to mention that most of that construction simply replaced barriers that already existed. How do you explain this?

Trump- I said you could ask me anything. I didn’t say you could tell me anything.

Can we talk about Russia?

Trump- Nothing to talk about. I’m great friends with Russia, and Putin respects the hell out of me because I have the biggest hands he’s ever seen.

Big hands are important to you, aren’t they?

Trump- Very important.

Can you repeat that for me? Please? 

Trump- I love big hands, and I cannot lie.

So you’re saying size matters to you.

Trump- Yes!

And you like them big? 

Trump- Huge!

Okay, now that I’ve milked that for all it’s worth . . . who is your favorite modern day president, other than yourself. 

Trump- Michael Scott.

Michael Scott . . . was the fictional Scranton branch manager for Dunder Mifflin. He was never president. 

Trump- False! He was president for nine seasons on NBC. I met him a couple times when I was doing the Apprentice!

Okay, he was only the manager for seven seasons . . and he was president for zero seasons. In fact, he never even played the president in a movie or TV show. But I can see how you may have emulated his managing style. 

Trump- That guy understood the job, he knew how hard it was.

That’s what she said. 

Trump- What?

Sorry, that was an Abe Lincoln joke. 

Trump- Great president, but I’m better, and I gotta be honest. I prefer presidents who didn’t get shot.

Too soon. 

As I begin to contemplate ending my life by plunging a spork into my jugular, his Doritos encrusted wings make the scene and save my life.

Trump- Didn’t you order anything?

Yes, a cab ride.