Top 5 Heroes Of The Week

Remember the old Rolling Stone double issues that used to take you a week to read? And longer than that if it was summer and you were perpetually high? Welp, that’s this week’s Heroes installment. You’ll notice I’ve tucked some news squibs in between the Big Five. It’s just me, tinkering.

Now let’s get on with it.

Romaine-tic Comedy- Country music singer Miranda Lambert (Should I stop there? Is that enough of a punchline? No . . you sure? Okay, I’ll continue . . ) is bringing whole new meaning to her salad days. And believe me, I ain’t dressing this up.

Lambert made headlines (again) for all the wrong reasons (again) when she dumped her salad on a woman who was provoking her. The lap dance tantrum happened at a Nashville steakhouse where Lambert was dining with friends and family. And it just makes me sad.

Once upon a time, country music’s preferred method of payment when it came to altercations were baseball bats and whiskey bottles. Now . . it’s lettuce and cherry tomatoes with julienne carrots in a balsamic vinaigrette (speculative editorializing). The legends of country music didn’t even know what the fuck a salad was! The current generation of stars has weaponized it.

Ted Cruz wants to use El Chapo fortune to fund border wall. Because our government has never, ever used blood money before . . .

Ice Cold Stove- Two of the biggest stars in the game- Bryce Harper and Manny Machado- remain unsigned. Pitchers and catchers time has arrived, and these two big ticket items of the hot stove league remain on the shelf. Which says everything about the blah quality of the league. Call it collusion by the owners or call it a deluded MLBPA, but the bottom line is, the game is suffering from an alarming lack of sizzle lately.

Cancel out collusion, because offers have been made and stupid contracts (See the Nationals signing of Corbin) have been inked. As for the player’s union, they’ve got to pipe down on any claims of owner conspiracy, what with the average MLB salary sitting at a cool 4 mil a year. They need to get their shit straight for sure, but worrying about their players getting paid would be the wrong pony to ride. Listen, owners see players like JD Martinez of the Red Sox kicking ass at a fraction of what Harper/Machado were asking for. They want bang over bloat, and I don’t blame them.

But the MLB has got to do something about this hot stove of theirs, which has gotten its ass kicked by the NFL and NBA trading deadlines and signing periods over the last calendar season. Baseball used to own its off-season, but that is no longer the case. Where have you gone Reggie Jackson? . . .

Grammys

The Grammys- Who. Fucking. Cares.

I ain’t got much to say about an awards show I haven’t watched in forever, but what I do have to say isn’t pleasant. And yet . . it’s a hell of a lot more pleasant than what these peeps are dealing. Reading up on the postscripts to the show is akin to checking up on the first grade choir. It’s a bunch of musical talent wrapped in elementary school clothes. They snipe, they curse and they hate on each other with Styrofoam vitriol; which means to say, it’s marshmallow four lettered banter, delivered up by musical brats who couldn’t hold Prince’s luggage.

And this isn’t some old dude pissing on the music of the day, because there’s plenty of new stuff I dig on. And I also happen to believe we should leave Cardi B alone when it comes to that Tom Petty gaffe. Truth be told, there are times when I have to think about which Beatles are left . . and I am guilty of not knowing whether Steven Tyler was dead or alive (He’s alive). Nah, Cardi B is a kid who ain’t down with yesterday’s music, and that’s no crime. But the way her peers trashed her after she won for best rap album is just sad. And proof that I ain’t missing anything by skipping this show.

Kylie Jenner is into condom artTo paraphrase the great Andy Warhol, in the future, everyone will be famous for three and a half minutes . . . 

Sarah Sanders Stars in ‘God Squad’-White House press secretary Sarah Sanders says that God wanted Donald Trump to win in 2016. And a quarter of Fox News poll respondents agree with her. In another Heroes first, I’ve linked to a Fox News poll for shits and giggles. If you insist on sending me hate mail, please forward it here. Rather than doing a post-oped, Imma dish up a semi-fictional rendering of how this might have gone down.

Somewhere in Malibu . . . 

The phone rings. 

“Challo?”

“God, hey . . it’s Lucifer,”

“Hey Lu . . what’s going down?” God chuckles.

“You remember anything about last night?” Lucifer asks.

“Well . . I remember we were playing poker. Moses was bragging about his Red Sea vacation . . Noah was telling fish tales . . and then Lot brought the Patron and we all started doing shots and . . .”

“You went all in when I said you had to elect Trump if you lost your pot,” Lucifer informs him.

“Prove it,” God demands.

His phone chimes to life with a text message containing a video link of him losing the bet with his arch-nemesis.

“Jesus!”

“Yeah Pop?” Jesus says as he moves into the living room to grab his sandals.

“No, not you. Umm, where you going?” God asks.

“Me and Jerry Garcia are gonna work on the van,” Jesus says excitedly.

“What about that job interview you have at Lowes?” God asks.

“That’s manana, and don’t worry . . I’ll pass the drug test this time. Gotta go old man, peace out . ..”

“Lu . . you still there?”

“That kid can’t hold down a job to save his life,” Lucifer says.

“Preaching to the choir, Lu. But hey . . you can’t hold me to this Trump thing,” God says.

“You bet your cloud surfing ass I’m gonna hold you to it,”

“I gotta say, this is low . . even for you,”

“Tuesday, November 8th, Boss. Mark the date,” Lucifer says before hanging up.

If you insist on sending me hate mail for this sacrilegious skit, please forward it here.

Bob Ross Flash Mob- Seriously, that sentence is enough to put a smile on my face. But it gets better. Thanks to middle school art teacher Brady Sloane of Abilene, Texas . . it gets a lot better. Textbook smarts get you in the door, but outside the box thinking opens the doors you never knew existed. And Sloane, supplied. She noticed how her students were stressing over their work load in advanced placement classes and so she organized a cool little activity in which they would all don Bob Ross costumes as they painted.

Sloane used monies from a fundraiser to buy the paints, and then her students helped her make the costumes. And this story is just so damned peach on top of my Heroes cake, that Imma stamp it in place of my usual musical spill.

Zen is what real winning looks like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bill Gates slams AOC’s 70 percent tax plan? No. Shit. 

Top 5 Heroes Of The Week

The news felt as if it was on a loop this week, what with more shutdown business . . more sniping . . more threats and accusations . . more talk of Russian meddling. Oh . . . wait a minute. The news has been on a loop for most of the past two years come to think of it.

Silly me.

Born Again Loser: John Wetteland is a World Series MVP and a member of the Texas Rangers Hall of Fame. And none of it mattered as much as the details of his arrest on Monday. Wetteland was charged with sexually assaulting a child on three separate occasions, beginning in 2004 when the child was four years old. He was released on a twenty five thousand dollar bond, which is every bit as crazy as the idea that born again Christians are good people because Jesus said so. Innocent until proven guilty? Yeah, I get it. But it just goes to show what I’ve always said. Show me someone who is born again, and I will show you someone who has done some fucked up shit, and is capable of doing more of the same, pious label or not.

I Hope Pelosi Is Taking Notes: Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi is insistent on getting in the mud pit with Trump, and it’s a big mistake. Huge mistake . . in fact. She recently suggested Trump should cancel his State of the Union until the shutdown is resolved, which played right into Trump’s wheelhouse when he canceled her trip overseas in retaliation. Instead, Nancy should’ve canceled the trip herself . . held a press conference to announce as much, and then vowed to get to work on a resolution to the shutdown. Tit his tactless tat. The way former NFL great Michael Strahan did when he invited the National Champion Clemson Tigers to a lobster dinner feast after they were done grubbing on fast food at the White House. In effect, Strahan went “better person” whilst giving the silent middle finger to Trump. He didn’t name names, he didn’t get in a scrum, he simply one upped Covfefe. That’s how you beat Trump.

The King And His Court: Representative Steve King out of Iowa wonders why terms such as “white nationalist” and “white supremacy” are considered offensive. And I wonder how a clueless ass hat can win his seat nine times. And then I remember, it’s how Trump won in 2016. Because we have a bunch of people in this country who are in agreement with King. And they don’t wear white hoodies and burn crosses. Many of them say the right thing in public, and so I guess we should be thankful to King for being such a clueless dolt. Democrats and Republicans alike are calling for King to get scarce. But what of the constituency who voted for him . . nine times?

How Did He Get This Job?: John Engler’s tenure as Michigan State President was, to put it nicely, a shit show. From the get, Engler showed himself to be a tone deaf, narrow minded schmuck. Engler was asked to resign on Wednesday, effective immediately, over comments he made last week in which he suggested the survivors in the Larry Nassar sex abuse scandal were “enjoying the spotlight”.

For anyone who has suffered abuse, this is the ultimate slap in the face. Again. The assertion that these victims derive enjoyment from such a horrible violation is nothing short of inhumane. Basically, he compounded the physical assault with an emotional one. And I can’t write another word about this asshole without throwing my laptop into the street, so I’ll stop.

Mr Clean: Thank God for Jim Kelly. The Hall of Fame quarterback done saved this week’s Heroes post from dissolving into a bleak bucket of blight. And then came the news that Jim Kelly is cancer free. Initially diagnosed with oral cancer in 2013, Kelly has now beaten back its return three times since. He called this latest news a single page of a chapter to a greater story, and who am I to argue with a guy whose heart and soul could light up Broadway?

Kelly’s eleven year NFL career was filled with plenty of big wins. The dude lead his team to four straight Super Bowl appearances, which is two more than Tom Brady can boast of. Those Bills teams never were able to take home the ultimate prize, but I always found their accomplishment to be most impressive. I mean . . the thought of coming back again and again and again. I always wondered how they found the fight to keep on coming back.

Now I know.

Top 5 Heroes Of The Week

The news sucked this week. Retail stocks are on the down slope after Macy’s, Kohl’s and Target bit the big one in the fourth quarter. In sports, everyone wants to get paid, but nobody wants to run to first base. Meanwhile, Washington continues to fuck up a glass of water.

So Imma scrounge up some heroes we can lean on for a couple minutes time. Here’s a top five.

Book ’em Andrew: The star quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts has lots of stuff going on. He’s healthy again after having missed twenty six games over the past three seasons. He played like an MVP in leading his team from the abyss of a 1-5 start to a postseason berth, and he has the Colts playing white hot ball right now. Add to that one of his many adoring fans created a hysterical Twitter page in his honor . . and oh yeah, he has a book club too!

A voracious reader, Andrew shares his love (and reading list) with fellow bibliophiles whilst also visiting schools to get the word(s) out. No matter what happens with the Colts this weekend, Luck is already winning. Big. A tip of the hat to Frank for turning me onto this cool story.

Shut Down, Not Shut Out: Did you realize the Coast Guard peeps aren’t getting paid during the government shutdown? I didn’t, until I read this article from NPR. Undeterred, these peeps banded together to help their own. They distributed more than thirty thousand pounds of groceries to Coast Guard personnel at a makeshift pantry set up in Boston. The dope show in Washington could learn a lot about leadership from these guys and gals.

And somewhere, Freddie is smiling: I didn’t catch the Golden Globes last week, but I was thrilled to hear that Bohemian Rhapsody won for Best Picture and Rami Malek won Best Actor. It’s a wonderful run up to the Oscars, but really . . win or lose, this film has more than done its great good work for kids of all ages who love music that breaks all the rules. And it made me think . . . man, if Freddie were alive today? He would’ve been a home run get for Oscar host, huh?

When Stickups Go Hilariously Wrong: What do you get when you cross a mugger with a fake gun and a mixed martial arts fighter? A major ass kicking. Which is what UFC fighter Polyana Viana laid down on a would be thief in Rio De Janeiro. One minute the dude was asking that time honored question of all muggers. . . You got the time? And the next minute Viana was like Bitch, time is up! To be a fly on the wall when this dude realized he’d chosen the wrong benefactor. Check that . . never mind. The wall was probably splattered with this guy’s DNA.

You’ve probably gathered by now that I have a thing for ladies who can fight. It’s not a fetish though. It’s more of an insatiable appreciation. Yeah . . that’ll work.

Turning a new Leaf: As an NFL quarterback, Ryan Leaf was an insufferable loser. The number 2 overall pick of the San Diego Chargers in the 1998 NFL Draft, Leaf was a fucking mess from the get. He never fulfilled his potential on the field and he got in trouble off it, and before too long he was out of the league. And in prison.

On the flip side, Leaf’s sordid past is feeling like ancient history. Forty years old and in recovery, he is the program ambassador for Transcend Recovery Community- a sober living environment in Los Angeles. He frequently shares the story of his addiction to painkillers and his subsequent suicide attempt with students from across the country. And just recently, Leaf paid the mortgage for a furloughed park ranger.

Fame and fortune was never going to be the answer to the question of who Ryan Leaf truly was. And really, thank God for that.

Peace and heroes, kids.