First Draft Horoscopes: Sagittarius!


Your Birthday! – You’ve got a big personality, according to you. Your assertive ways sometimes lead to combative disagreements with others. So if you happen to live in Rhode Island, Texas, Nevada, Florida, South Carolina . . or any vicinity whose police department airs on Live PD? Then you might be a star if you keep this shit up!

Restlessness is another of your personality traits. But unlike William Fichtner or Margo Martindale, your particular shot of the stuff is not artful in the least. In fact, you would do well to deconstruct that edge with some yoga before you go deconstructing another hotel room; especially one in Vegas, where the amortization schedules rhyme with vig.

On the upside, you have a very open nature. You are an open book . . you wear your emotions on your sleeve . . and you absolutely love worn out cliches that paint you in a positive light . . so, you’re welcome.

You are the kind of person who knows what they want, and you never hesitate to share this want with others. No matter how many times HR drags your ass into the office to discuss the matter. And to your credit, you work hard to achieve the things that matter most to you. Problem is, most of these things are vices; so your best job fits are A)Drug Dealer, B)Pimp, C)Both.

Don’t stop believing. And don’t blame Steve Perry when you fuck that up too!



First Draft Horoscopes

Image result for scorpio sign

Happy Birthday Scorpio! 

You never know where your playful and spontaneous side is going to take you. Oh wait . . yeah you do. You always wind up in a seedy motel with a Craigslist hookup. As such, your attachment to your family is really quite strong. And hell, it needs to stay that way after your cousin Jimmy caught you coming out of Motel Eight with Jackie Uh Oh and his . . her five o’clock shadow.

You’re a passionate person, who enjoys debating others and shaking things up every now and again. But your vote for Trump means that you shouldn’t be allowed to vote, like . . ever again. Or drive anything with wheels. Or drink alcoholic beverages. Or take recreational drugs . . or prescription medications . . or over the counter medications. Okay you know what? You shouldn’t go outside or fraternize with another living soul, ever again.

Those closest to you admit that you can be hard to read, and this is because of your decidedly intense personality. Sometimes your spouse wonders if you’re a serial killer before thinking better of it, seeing as how you’re not nearly dynamic enough to pull off some crazy shit like that.

In spite of all that, it seems that people do respect you. And so what if it’s only because they’ve got something on you? Which reminds me, your Cousin Jimmy’s hush allowance is coming due again and he’s got an Instagram account at the ready should you renege on your agreement.