First Draft Horoscopes- Virgo!

 

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Your adventurous side might decide it wants to come out and play. So don’t make any appointments tomorrow, because your idea of adventure starts with gin and ends with bail. In fact, you should play it safe: Call in sick, order delivery for dinner and don’t answer your phone. Limit all human contact.

The stars insist you have a hidden talent for an activity other than sleeping with your secretary. Maybe you could try your hand at something extreme: White water rafting, mountain climbing, skydiving, bullfighting, alligator wrestling, rooting for the Orioles, trying convenience store sushi, or shoplifting at Cabela’s. Just be mindful that if you decide to skip with those waterproof thermals, you best have a getaway driver because Cabela’s team members shoot to kill. Those fuckers don’t play.

It’s also a good time to tackle new projects. Like maybe paying off one of your twenty eight credit cards. Maybe it’s time to return your next door neighbor’s prosthetic leg that you’ve been using as a doorstop. Learn how to open the hood of your car. Replace the artificial plants you placed around your house. Prune those middle fingers off the shrubs outside your front door. The sky’s the limit, homie.

First Draft Horoscopes- Leo

A change that is muy importante is taking place as we speak, so pay attention. It seems that the moon in Aries (another fire sign) is throwing down with Pluto. These are the kinds of details you will overlook, since you happen to think that astrology is the study of the rectum. Thing is, this battle could very well leave you stranded if you choose to ignore the warring signs. Yes, that was an astrology pun . . and no, you probably didn’t get it because you’re more clueless than a Seventh Day Adventist at Christmas mass.

The punchline to this internecine battle between Aries and Pluto is that you are supposed to watch out for control freaks. I’m figuring that maybe those signs didn’t get the memo about Leo, because if they had, they’d know that you come face to face with a control freak every time you look in the mirror. So maybe don’t look in the mirror today. Just kidding . . you can’t help yourself.

Alas, the forecast is not entirely gloom and doom. Mostly yeah, but not entirely. The moon does make a harmonious connection with your ruling planet, the Sun. It’s the astrological version of shagging, without the bottle of bub or the R&B cranked up for good measure. This connubial convergence of the cosmos should inspire you to be brave and to do something completely different along your path. And by different, we mean to say that maybe you can stop being so self involved. Try it on for size a couple minutes at a time and see how it feels. If it’s too painful, just go back to your regularly scheduled programming of being a selfish twit.

First Draft Horoscopes

Leo

The line between family and work life is doing more zigs and zags than David Cassidy on a traffic stop. If you ain’t down with metaphorical formulas, it means your business has a drinking problem. But hey, since you can’t seem to control yourself, maybe it’s high time you tried on your entrepreneurial hat! And you can use your family members to help you in your new venture. This clean slate will allow you to show off your remarkable skill set and your brilliant people skills as you shine in your new career!

Okay, who’re we kidding? You can filch their skills and personalities . . with the added bonus that you don’t have to pay ’em, cause they’re family!

This new lease on life might be just the tonic for your flagging spirit (Add gin for maximum entertainment value). You’ll find your ideas (theirs) will flow and your emotions will be very much available. Because there’s nothing like mixing business with family to bring out every last ounce of hostility. Seriously, you thought wine was a truth serum? Just you wait chappy, this shit is about to get realer than a Carly Simon love song.  Just be yourself, as shitty as the prospect might be. The rest will take care of itself, unfortunately.

Questions or concerns regarding your horoscope? Call 1-877-OHH-WELL. 

 

First Draft Horoscopes

Today’s Birthday: Gemini

A planetary configuration like today’s often makes people afraid to start anything that challenges their status quo. That’s because the planets are so misaligned, it looks like rush hour on the 405 up there. See, the idea is to stop traffic . . not sit in it. In spite of this cosmic sausage, you should aspire for greater heights in your professional life. Be a risk taker, even if it means telling your boss that his head is so far up his ass that it’s pushing on his belly button. And after he presents you with a pink slip, take your severance and hit Vegas. Because you already lost the girl, the house and the dog . . so why the fuck not? As Matthew Broderick once opined, there is a kind of freedom in being totally screwed. And so what if you’re not going to follow up that line of thinking with a successful career in acting whilst calling Sarah Jessica Parker your pillow pal?

Remember the saying there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Just kidding! You should be afraid . . very afraid.