First Draft Horoscopes: Sagittarius!

Sag

Your Birthday! – You’ve got a big personality, according to you. Your assertive ways sometimes lead to combative disagreements with others. So if you happen to live in Rhode Island, Texas, Nevada, Florida, South Carolina . . or any vicinity whose police department airs on Live PD? Then you might be a star if you keep this shit up!

Restlessness is another of your personality traits. But unlike William Fichtner or Margo Martindale, your particular shot of the stuff is not artful in the least. In fact, you would do well to deconstruct that edge with some yoga before you go deconstructing another hotel room; especially one in Vegas, where the amortization schedules rhyme with vig.

On the upside, you have a very open nature. You are an open book . . you wear your emotions on your sleeve . . and you absolutely love worn out cliches that paint you in a positive light . . so, you’re welcome.

You are the kind of person who knows what they want, and you never hesitate to share this want with others. No matter how many times HR drags your ass into the office to discuss the matter. And to your credit, you work hard to achieve the things that matter most to you. Problem is, most of these things are vices; so your best job fits are A)Drug Dealer, B)Pimp, C)Both.

Don’t stop believing. And don’t blame Steve Perry when you fuck that up too!

 

 

First Draft Horoscopes!

Libra

Hey Libra . . .

Adventure is always one of your main priorities, and when you add adult beverages, pain meds and gun toting romantic involvements to the mix, well . . let’s just say it’s only a matter of time before your ass lands on one of those NBC true story crime shows. Posthumously. Today, you might have your sights set on an adventure you’ve never tried before. Like maybe, staying home and reading a book. Or going to bed early. Or not involving yourself with someone who’s been incarcerated. Naaaaahhhhh!!!!

A normal person might find their bucket list moment on the side of a mountain, whereas you simply aim to land in the bucket. And really, what fun is traveling when you can engage in all manner of dangerous trysts in your own personal jungle story. Going around the world? Pffft! You did that the other night. Visiting the South Pacific? That too. Your social life would make Bukowski shudder.

Your one hundred and one different moods will set the tone, after which you’ll most likely burn down the house. Just remember not to touch that bail money savings account you started after the last episode, because you’re gonna need it seeing as how you’re down to three friends. And no, the arresting officer doesn’t count.

Remember that you only live once, because you’re already lived eight times. And you know what happens on the ninth hole, asshat.

First Draft Horoscopes- Virgo!

 

virgo-e1566878980677.jpg

Your adventurous side might decide it wants to come out and play. So don’t make any appointments tomorrow, because your idea of adventure starts with gin and ends with bail. In fact, you should play it safe: Call in sick, order delivery for dinner and don’t answer your phone. Limit all human contact.

The stars insist you have a hidden talent for an activity other than sleeping with your secretary. Maybe you could try your hand at something extreme: White water rafting, mountain climbing, skydiving, bullfighting, alligator wrestling, rooting for the Orioles, trying convenience store sushi, or shoplifting at Cabela’s. Just be mindful that if you decide to skip with those waterproof thermals, you best have a getaway driver because Cabela’s team members shoot to kill. Those fuckers don’t play.

It’s also a good time to tackle new projects. Like maybe paying off one of your twenty eight credit cards. Maybe it’s time to return your next door neighbor’s prosthetic leg that you’ve been using as a doorstop. Learn how to open the hood of your car. Replace the artificial plants you placed around your house. Prune those middle fingers off the shrubs outside your front door. The sky’s the limit, homie.

First Draft Horoscopes- Leo

A change that is muy importante is taking place as we speak, so pay attention. It seems that the moon in Aries (another fire sign) is throwing down with Pluto. These are the kinds of details you will overlook, since you happen to think that astrology is the study of the rectum. Thing is, this battle could very well leave you stranded if you choose to ignore the warring signs. Yes, that was an astrology pun . . and no, you probably didn’t get it because you’re more clueless than a Seventh Day Adventist at Christmas mass.

The punchline to this internecine battle between Aries and Pluto is that you are supposed to watch out for control freaks. I’m figuring that maybe those signs didn’t get the memo about Leo, because if they had, they’d know that you come face to face with a control freak every time you look in the mirror. So maybe don’t look in the mirror today. Just kidding . . you can’t help yourself.

Alas, the forecast is not entirely gloom and doom. Mostly yeah, but not entirely. The moon does make a harmonious connection with your ruling planet, the Sun. It’s the astrological version of shagging, without the bottle of bub or the R&B cranked up for good measure. This connubial convergence of the cosmos should inspire you to be brave and to do something completely different along your path. And by different, we mean to say that maybe you can stop being so self involved. Try it on for size a couple minutes at a time and see how it feels. If it’s too painful, just go back to your regularly scheduled programming of being a selfish twit.

First Draft Horoscopes

Leo

The line between family and work life is doing more zigs and zags than David Cassidy on a traffic stop. If you ain’t down with metaphorical formulas, it means your business has a drinking problem. But hey, since you can’t seem to control yourself, maybe it’s high time you tried on your entrepreneurial hat! And you can use your family members to help you in your new venture. This clean slate will allow you to show off your remarkable skill set and your brilliant people skills as you shine in your new career!

Okay, who’re we kidding? You can filch their skills and personalities . . with the added bonus that you don’t have to pay ’em, cause they’re family!

This new lease on life might be just the tonic for your flagging spirit (Add gin for maximum entertainment value). You’ll find your ideas (theirs) will flow and your emotions will be very much available. Because there’s nothing like mixing business with family to bring out every last ounce of hostility. Seriously, you thought wine was a truth serum? Just you wait chappy, this shit is about to get realer than a Carly Simon love song.  Just be yourself, as shitty as the prospect might be. The rest will take care of itself, unfortunately.

Questions or concerns regarding your horoscope? Call 1-877-OHH-WELL. 

 

First Draft Horoscopes

Gemini

You’re cruising nicely along the river of life right now, in much the same way Burt Reynolds and his poker pals were white water suprema-swimming down the Cahulawassee River back inside the days of Nixon and live action Elvis sightings. So why dontcha just chill, dip your toes into the water that ain’t been touched by Scientologists and enjoy the ride? Because once the cosmic banjos come twanging, your ass ain’t got a chance of being saved. Even if it was wrapped in Kevlar by the Rock whilst he shouted out a Hail Mary in the voice of James Earl Jones.

Things are going well in just about every area of your life, for now. As in, right this very moment now. After which . . . you’re fucked in nine different languages with Dante supplying the cursive noose. Take pride in your accomplishments, and try like hell to look past the happy hour spirals in which you piss away every single one of ’em. Other people are eager to join you in celebration. Unfortunately, it’s at happy hour . . and yep, the spirals are included at some extra charge. So hey . . change your P.O. box number and it wouldn’t be the worst idea to change your address too. And while you’re at it, why not go all in with a name change and just cash out and move to Nicaragua. You can score a villa there for what you’re currently paying, out of pocket, for therapy.

First Draft Horosopes

Today’s Birthday! 

You are exceptionally witty and playful, on account of the Zanax whose street corner prescription means that it’s three right turns and a couple hundred miles south of the calming effect it should be having on you. Psychotropic medications in a brown paper bag are so much more fun, until they ain’t.

The youthful quality to your personality means you’re first in line for climbing mountains and skydiving. Stealing ear buds from the electronics department at Target is simply bonus round. You are highly creative on a mental level. Or is it, you are highly mental on a creative level? Yeah . . the latter, definitely the latter.

You tend to be short on patience, and you also tend to feel that others don’t move nearly as quickly as you do, which . . . tends to mean you have few friends. Since you also tend to express your thoughts on the matter, like, all the time. Maybe you should pop another Zanax and worry about the ramifications after you’ve been fitted with a padded suit.