First Draft Horoscopes

Gemini

You’re cruising nicely along the river of life right now, in much the same way Burt Reynolds and his poker pals were white water suprema-swimming down the Cahulawassee River back inside the days of Nixon and live action Elvis sightings. So why dontcha just chill, dip your toes into the water that ain’t been touched by Scientologists and enjoy the ride? Because once the cosmic banjos come twanging, your ass ain’t got a chance of being saved. Even if it was wrapped in Kevlar by the Rock whilst he shouted out a Hail Mary in the voice of James Earl Jones.

Things are going well in just about every area of your life, for now. As in, right this very moment now. After which . . . you’re fucked in nine different languages with Dante supplying the cursive noose. Take pride in your accomplishments, and try like hell to look past the happy hour spirals in which you piss away every single one of ’em. Other people are eager to join you in celebration. Unfortunately, it’s at happy hour . . and yep, the spirals are included at some extra charge. So hey . . change your P.O. box number and it wouldn’t be the worst idea to change your address too. And while you’re at it, why not go all in with a name change and just cash out and move to Nicaragua. You can score a villa there for what you’re currently paying, out of pocket, for therapy.

First Draft Horosopes

Today’s Birthday! 

You are exceptionally witty and playful, on account of the Zanax whose street corner prescription means that it’s three right turns and a couple hundred miles south of the calming effect it should be having on you. Psychotropic medications in a brown paper bag are so much more fun, until they ain’t.

The youthful quality to your personality means you’re first in line for climbing mountains and skydiving. Stealing ear buds from the electronics department at Target is simply bonus round. You are highly creative on a mental level. Or is it, you are highly mental on a creative level? Yeah . . the latter, definitely the latter.

You tend to be short on patience, and you also tend to feel that others don’t move nearly as quickly as you do, which . . . tends to mean you have few friends. Since you also tend to express your thoughts on the matter, like, all the time. Maybe you should pop another Zanax and worry about the ramifications after you’ve been fitted with a padded suit.

 

 

First Draft Horoscopes

Today’s Birthday! 

Just because you are right doesn’t mean everyone else is wrong . . . okay, of course it does. It’s not you, it really is them . . all of them. And don’t let the voices in your head tell you differently. When you are proven correct today, try and resist the urge to gloat or boast. But failing that, make sure you take to social media and really let them have it, the clueless asshats. The most effective way to alienate people and harm your reputation is through arrogance, so remember to really pour it on. I mean, who needs people? Especially this week . . since you haven’t seen Game of Thrones yet and it’s a certainty someone is gonna fuck it up for you. It’s okay to feel proud of yourself, and while you really shouldn’t do so at the expense of others, there are exceptions. Like, sleeping with the spouse of your arch-nemesis. Talk about a dark spirit win! You could be humble, but that comes about as naturally to you as poetry and commitment.

Today’s Birthday!

You are a methodical creature who likes to see all aspects of an issue before deciding which side to join. (Who you kidding? You seriously considered voting for Trump in 2016. Which is akin to choosing an ophthalmologist who specializes in acupuncture. So really, you’re methodically inept. How’s that fit ya?) But just because you are slow by nature does not mean that you are unresponsive. (But it doesn’t NOT mean it either. Hell, you married a woman who confessed to you that she was the lone suspect in the questionable deaths of three former husbands. She made this confession on your first date! After which you figured it would be kitschy if you eloped to Vegas. Your red flag collection is nearing its expiration date . . .) And today, someone will offer you a chance to prove that fact when they come to you for help. (She’s gonna ask you to sign another life insurance policy. And then she’s going to suggest rock climbing. And sometime later, you’ll be the subject of a Lifetime movie. But seeing as how you’ve been played by your wife, the gardener AND your best man Jake . . being played by Chris Pine in a movie ain’t the worst thing.) Faster than anyone else, you will have the answer to a problem that has been puzzling your group for a while. (You’re gonna confess to your closest pals the affair you’ve been having with your secretary. And about how you’re gonna leave your wife for her. They’ll confess their doubts about the wife and you’ll be relieved. Of course, you’re playing checkers while the wife plays chess. Because guess what? She’s sleeping with your secretary as well.) This is a day when you will make a minor but indelible mark on the world. (Because you’re devastated when your secretary breaks it off, so you decide to rededicate yourself to your marriage. You’ll go on that rock climbing expedition. After which Chris Pine will lose out on the starring role to Ryan Reynolds.)

Today’s Birthday! (Reading Between The Lines Edition)

Not easily understood, your emotions fluctuate a lot (no shit), although you tend to wear a manner of strength and will (because that sounds a hell of a lot better than anger and bitterness). You have very refined and particular tastes (as your credit card debt attests to), and others might find it difficult to know how to please you as a result! (Your exes could fill a convention hall). The truth is that you are very sensitive to subtle issues that others might overlook. (Like . . at three in the morning when you wake up your partner to ask why they haven’t changed their Facebook status yet) At times you can be very frank (nasty), which can be refreshing to some (More specifically, your therapist. The vanity tags on her Mercedes should include your initials . . . just saying), and offputting to others. (Everyone other than your therapist). You are highly competent and success-oriented. (Which is a really good thing, considering . . yanno, all that credit card debt).