This is the year when you get in sync with friends and family. Like . . seriously. It’s going to matter to you this year, so brush up on names and new spouses by making a chart.

And not to sound like a greeting card, but can you try and keep some cheer in this new year? When the shit hits the fan, try and suppress your desire to shoot the fan . . . twelve times. The way you shot your ex twelve times when you found them in bed with someone else. Thank God your Uncle Sal has a soft spot for you and was able to rig the jury, but yanno . . he ain’t getting any younger so chill with the firearms?

Here’s a novel thought. Why not simply enjoy the company and wisdom of your posse, and while you’re at it, impart your wisdom on them as well. Or take them out to dinner once a month and don’t be a cheapskate with the friendly drinks. Either or.

Make vivaciousness your jam, just hold the histrionics. February might be a challenge when it comes to cash flow, but you can navigate the ebbs without skimming ATM’s for your cream and sugar. As for exercise, practice moderation and sensibility. No more staying out all night and then signing up for a marathon in the morning because “it was calling me,”. Just remember those EMT’s who were calling you away from the light when you didn’t make it out of mile three without collapsing, coo?

October will bring great challenges and worthwhile lessons . . so think jello shot contests and DUI checks and maybe practice some temperance for a change. November will bring increased responsibilities at work, unless that meme you posted about your boss on Facebook gets found.

This can be a magnificent year as long as you don’t fuck it up!

Your adventurous side might decide it wants to come out and play. So don’t make any appointments tomorrow, because your idea of adventure starts with gin and ends with bail. In fact, you should play it safe: Call in sick, order delivery for dinner and don’t answer your phone. Limit all human contact.

The stars insist you have a hidden talent for an activity other than sleeping with your secretary. Maybe you could try your hand at something extreme: White water rafting, mountain climbing, skydiving, bullfighting, alligator wrestling, rooting for the Orioles, trying convenience store sushi, or shoplifting at Cabela’s. Just be mindful that if you decide to skip with those waterproof thermals, you best have a getaway driver because Cabela’s team members shoot to kill. Those fuckers don’t play.

It’s also a good time to tackle new projects. Like maybe paying off one of your twenty eight credit cards. Maybe it’s time to return your next door neighbor’s prosthetic leg that you’ve been using as a doorstop. Learn how to open the hood of your car. Replace the artificial plants you placed around your house. Prune those middle fingers off the shrubs outside your front door. The sky’s the limit, homie.

A change that is muy importante is taking place as we speak, so pay attention. It seems that the moon in Aries (another fire sign) is throwing down with Pluto. These are the kinds of details you will overlook, since you happen to think that astrology is the study of the rectum. Thing is, this battle could very well leave you stranded if you choose to ignore the warring signs. Yes, that was an astrology pun . . and no, you probably didn’t get it because you’re more clueless than a Seventh Day Adventist at Christmas mass.

The punchline to this internecine battle between Aries and Pluto is that you are supposed to watch out for control freaks. I’m figuring that maybe those signs didn’t get the memo about Leo, because if they had, they’d know that you come face to face with a control freak every time you look in the mirror. So maybe don’t look in the mirror today. Just kidding . . you can’t help yourself.

Alas, the forecast is not entirely gloom and doom. Mostly yeah, but not entirely. The moon does make a harmonious connection with your ruling planet, the Sun. It’s the astrological version of shagging, without the bottle of bub or the R&B cranked up for good measure. This connubial convergence of the cosmos should inspire you to be brave and to do something completely different along your path. And by different, we mean to say that maybe you can stop being so self involved. Try it on for size a couple minutes at a time and see how it feels. If it’s too painful, just go back to your regularly scheduled programming of being a selfish twit.

The line between family and work life is doing more zigs and zags than David Cassidy on a traffic stop. If you ain’t down with metaphorical formulas, it means your business has a drinking problem. But hey, since you can’t seem to control yourself, maybe it’s high time you tried on your entrepreneurial hat! And you can use your family members to help you in your new venture. This clean slate will allow you to show off your remarkable skill set and your brilliant people skills as you shine in your new career!

Okay, who’re we kidding? You can filch their skills and personalities . . with the added bonus that you don’t have to pay ’em, cause they’re family!

This new lease on life might be just the tonic for your flagging spirit (Add gin for maximum entertainment value). You’ll find your ideas (theirs) will flow and your emotions will be very much available. Because there’s nothing like mixing business with family to bring out every last ounce of hostility. Seriously, you thought wine was a truth serum? Just you wait chappy, this shit is about to get realer than a Carly Simon love song.  Just be yourself, as shitty as the prospect might be. The rest will take care of itself, unfortunately.

Questions or concerns regarding your horoscope? Call 1-877-OHH-WELL.