First Draft Horoscopes- Aries

Distinguishing Characteristics of the Zodiac Sign Aries ...

You have a keen sense of observation, but it doesn’t mean you get to peek on the neighbor across from you. You know who I’m talking about . . the one with twenty four pack abs? Who exercises in his briefs? And not for nothing, but hosting a Skype party and giving play by play is just a little bit over the top. But hey, you’re a highly creative thinker who loves to push the limits. But maybe it would be a good idea if you made sure those scary creative thoughts are . . yanno . . legal?

One of the first things people sense about you is how sincere you can be . . when you feel like being sincere. Which, come to think of it really isn’t the definition of sincere, is it? Never mind. But of course, it’s all about your quirky sense of humor, boundless charm and timeless sense of style. (When you cut me the check for that last sentence, make it payable to “Marco Loco”, por favor and gracias!).

You ain’t got time for labels, and no one can ever accuse you of being the kind of person to buy into such a thing. Unless the labels are attached to a bottle of something friendly. In that case, you make the bang worth your buck. It’s your unique nature that makes it damn near impossible to define you, but this doesn’t mean you get to skip out on the lunch tab just because you’re going to be late to the matinee.

An outgoing and assertive manner serves you well in poker pot squabbles, political arguments and bar fights. Your uncanny ability to swing a Louisville Slugger in the direction of a person’s unmentionables without missing does the rest. When it comes to serious thought, you’re quite adept. Only problem is, someone usually goes missing afterwards.

Trump: The Interview

 

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I had the choice between watching the final season of The Man in the High Castle or interviewing Donald Trump. And I blew it. But hey, I figured it would be my best chance to get into the White House since it’s painfully apparent they let anybody in these days.

Of course, I should’ve known this was a big mistake when I endured a three hour phone call in which his publicist recited a list of topics that were off limits. I was promised a second interview if I played by the rules, and now I have to decide whether I want to opt in or have a vasectomy. Decisions, decisions!

We will convene in the newly opened Hooters located in the West Wing and I am told not to stray from the restaurant on account of the movie that is being filmed in the Rose Garden. Yep . . it’s a porn.

Trump enters the restaurant and we shake hands. His hands are smaller than Miss Havisham’s dreams in the novel Great Expectations. I decide not to mention this fact since I want to get inside Trump’s head and have a look around. I imagine it has more square footage than my last house. He orders an iced tea and then one of everything off the menu and then tells me he’s got ten minutes . . or however long it takes for his wings to be served.

What are your thoughts on the democratic field? 

Trump- I have no thoughts.

I recognize that. Okay, let me rephrase the question. What is your opinion of the democratic field? 

Trump- They’re all career politicians, socialists, communists, murderers and child rapists.

Those are pretty strong accusations you’re making. Do you care to elaborate on the murderers and child rapists you’re referring to? 

Trump- I never elaborate, it’s a time waster. I say it one time . . and then I say it a hundred more times. And then I retweet it all day.

You do realize that you can’t go around calling people murderers and child rapists in the real world unless you have . . . 

Trump- What’s that? The real world . . what is that?

The real world is the place where you don’t live. 

Trump- What is it like? . . . this place?

Well, up until three years ago it was great. We had no idea how good we had it because we were too busy blaming Obama for everything. 

Trump- I hate that guy.

Who do you like? 

Trump- You’re looking at him.

Let’s go back to your statement about murderers and child rapists. Who are you referring to and what evidence do you have to support these serious allegations? 

Trump- I don’t worry about evidence unless it helps me. When I say they’re murderers and child rapists, I mean they’re just as evil as those people. They don’t have to commit those horrible acts for me to call them those things . . .

Well, actually . . a person WOULD have to commit those atrocious acts . . and then be found guilty in a court of law, before you could refer to them in this way. 

Trump- Says you.

Wow, that’s very mature. 

Trump- Thank you.

Is there any truth to the rumor that Geraldo Rivera will be your Vice President should you win a second term?

Trump- I trust Pence with my life. But if he ever screwed me over, I would bury him as many times as you could bury a person. Then yes . . Geraldo would be a great choice. Not that I need to win over the Hispanics because you know, they love me already.

Let’s talk about the border wall.

Trump- You can ask me anything.

As part of your 2016 Campaign-alooza, you pledged that the wall would be completed in three and a half years at a cost of twenty one million dollars and that Mexico would pay for it. But that hasn’t happened. In fact, the Pentagon is slashing programs and siphoning those monies to use for border wall construction. Also . . your administration recently announced it had built 100 miles of wall but failed to mention that most of that construction simply replaced barriers that already existed. How do you explain this?

Trump- I said you could ask me anything. I didn’t say you could tell me anything.

Can we talk about Russia?

Trump- Nothing to talk about. I’m great friends with Russia, and Putin respects the hell out of me because I have the biggest hands he’s ever seen.

Big hands are important to you, aren’t they?

Trump- Very important.

Can you repeat that for me? Please? 

Trump- I love big hands, and I cannot lie.

So you’re saying size matters to you.

Trump- Yes!

And you like them big? 

Trump- Huge!

Okay, now that I’ve milked that for all it’s worth . . . who is your favorite modern day president, other than yourself. 

Trump- Michael Scott.

Michael Scott . . . was the fictional Scranton branch manager for Dunder Mifflin. He was never president. 

Trump- False! He was president for nine seasons on NBC. I met him a couple times when I was doing the Apprentice!

Okay, he was only the manager for seven seasons . . and he was president for zero seasons. In fact, he never even played the president in a movie or TV show. But I can see how you may have emulated his managing style. 

Trump- That guy understood the job, he knew how hard it was.

That’s what she said. 

Trump- What?

Sorry, that was an Abe Lincoln joke. 

Trump- Great president, but I’m better, and I gotta be honest. I prefer presidents who didn’t get shot.

Too soon. 

As I begin to contemplate ending my life by plunging a spork into my jugular, his Doritos encrusted wings make the scene and save my life.

Trump- Didn’t you order anything?

Yes, a cab ride. 

 

 

 

Searching Paul Simon’s cutting room floor

Dogs are one of the few creatures on this earth capable of unconditional love. The rest of us are negotiating the terms daily . . . 

There are two types of romantic advice seekers: The ones who want you to talk them into something, and my friend Barry. I’ll call him Barry since that’s his name. I’ve probably mentioned the guy in a post at some point, seeing as how he sifts my brain for intel on the opposite sex. Which is akin to asking the captain of the Titanic for directions to New York City. But it’s not a paragon of valuable information Barry is looking for. He just wants someone to talk him out of his current situation. .

I refuse to be complicit in this crime of passionless. All I do is ask questions, make observations which have no basis in fact since I don’t know the woman, and supply witty banter, pro bono no less. So if you ask me, he is getting exactly what he paid for.

A top five most popular topics of conversation Barry has introduced regarding his rodeo partner? Sure why not . . . .

The Past- So it seems that Cersei Lannister (Not her real name, of course. Because I’m not crazy enough to use her real name. Barry’s one thing. He’s just a retired cop with an extensive gun collection) . . . anyway, sorry for the bloated parenthetical explanation. As I was saying, Cersei Lannister has a problem with Barry’s ex wife. To which I completely understand. I mean, if she didn’t have a problem with his ex wife, I wouldn’t trust her. That said, Cersei also has a problem with Barry’s daughter, whom he takes to dinner once a week. It’s their time and Cersei ain’t crazy about being left out.

In a word? I have a problem with this. She’s forty something and has never had kids, which only adds to the problemacy©, (My word, because I needed to amuse myself since their relationship ain’t amusing in the least). So my advice to Barry was to let Cersei know that his daughter is the only female she doesn’t get to negotiate out of his picture.

The Present- Their preferred method of communication is arguing. They argue over everything. What to eat, what movie to see, where to go on the weekend and oatmeal cookies. Oatmeal. Fucking. Cookies. (He’s Team Traditional, She’s Team Raisins). My advice was simple: When a relationship has devolved into oatmeal cookie arguments, you are Mariana Trenching© it. Sadly, the relationship has bypassed homicide as a solution.

The Future- Barry just moved into a new place, which Cersei really digs because it’s closer to her job. Barry has also been shopping homes outside of Jim Thorpe, which Cersei really doesn’t dig at all because it’s a LOT further away. And it would mean they have to argue about oatmeal cookies over the phone rather than face to face.

I told Barry this house hunting venture is lame. For one thing, even people who want to get away from it all realize they have gone too far if they arrive in Jim Thorpe. For another, he is implementing a passive/aggressive strategy in order to extricate himself from a miserable situation. Paul Simon ain’t need 51 ways to leave your lover and he’s way more interesting than Barry, so there’s that.

Imma stop at three because I’ve achieved a Christmas Carol vibe. Instead I’ll supply you with some of the particulars if you happen to be in the same boat as Barry.

1- Never discuss important shit while eating Captain Crunch. It’s impossible to be taken seriously when eating Captain Crunch.
2- If you argue whilst listening to Kenny Loggins Footloose, your relationship is doomed. Because it’s scientifically impossible to do so unless you are not meant to be.
3- Stop using the ‘forever’ template for love things. It’s why people stay in the wrong thing too long. Because they’re measuring it against forever.
4- Being “afraid” to be alone will lead to you being alone. Because as I’ve learned, the loneliest times of my life were spent in a relationship gone wrong.
5- Stop caring what others think about your situation. These are surface oriented concerns that contribute nothing to your relationship.

That last one counted most for me, and I doubt Barry will heed its meaning. He just wants to dance around the issue, and he’s looking for dance partners who will tell him what he wants to hear. But at the very least, he should give his relationship the Footloose test.

I’m convinced he would thank me for it.

 

Rebel Wilson Reviews Last Blood

I went into Rambo: Last Blood fresh . . . like me. I wanted to give this movie a fair suck of the sauce bottle, you know what I’m saying? If you live in America, your mind is already in the gutter so no need for me to ruin that with an explanation.

Sylvester Stallone is how old? This mate still has plenty of stallion in his tank, at least from the neck down and that’s all I’m looking for as it is. Not that I would place a bag over his head when we were going at it or anything like that. Unless he was into that sort of thing . . .

As for the actual movie, personally speaking, I think it should have been titled “Meat Surprise” because the entire bloody movie is literally just that. This John Rambo bloke is a few stubbies short of a six pack, which I have to say really triggered me because he reminded me of my ex. All of them.

So his adopted daughter, whose name is Gabriela, learns that her biological father is living in Mexico so of COURSE she has to go looking for the clacker. Her guy friend takes her south of the border and then dumps her, which I really related to. Then she’s drugged at a club and sold into prostitution. A Mexican cartel kidnaps his adopted daughter, and that’s when I knew this movie was gonna blow because it would have been a much better story line if the cartel would have adopted his kidnapped daughter . .ammm-I-right?

Rambo hears about the kidnapping and drives to Mexico to find her, which means he’s going to kill a lot of bad Mexican hombres. He goes to the club where she was last seen and a guy named El Flaco says “Oh, you’re Gabriela’s American father? Great! Let me take you to her, we’re all celebrating Taco Tuesday (Mexicans call it Tuesday) at the Bad Mexican Hombres Ranch and would be delighted to have you as a guest!” But you know that’s not what happened, because if a guy’s name is El Flaco, he’s probably lying. And yet, Rambo . . who has seen more shit than a plumber, thinks they’re just gonna give his daughter back to him?

They beat the living Vegemite out of Rambo and mark him, as if he’s a wild animal because . . okay yeah, I get it. Hugo and Victor Martinez are brothers who specialize in drug dealing and dismemberment and they’re pissed off that Rambo took time away from their busy days so they beat him some more and take his driver’s license so . . yanno . . they can say “I know where you live!” and really mean it. Then they tell him to get on his bike and go home, because they have no bloody idea who Rambo is.

This journalist named Carmen shows up and takes care of Rambo. I really thought they were gonna have sex, because it’s what happens in every action flick, no matter how pressed they are for time. Carmen is investigating the Mexican brothers because they killed her sister, so she decides to help Rambo. She helps him find a brothel, where Rambo does some ‘investigation’ of his own . . meaning he kills a bunch of bad hombres before he finds Gabriela. If you’re looking for a happy ending, tough, because she dies on the way back to his ranch.

Now Rambo is pissed. I mean again. I mean STILL.

He goes back to Mexico and tells Carmen she has to help him find the brothers, and initially she is hesitant. But then she figures, well I wouldn’t piss on those two blokes if they were on fire., and I haven’t been to the movies in forever and this should be good, so sure!

Rambo goes to Victor’s villa, because every rich person in Mexico lives in a villa. It’s the Mexican word for mansion. He kills everybody and then he lops Victor’s head off for good measure because simply killing him wouldn’t be enough of a statement. So Hugo gets a posse and pays a visit to Rambo’s ranch, which is rigged with more traps than an American election.

Hugo going along is predictable, but it makes zero sense. Why would the Boss tag along when he’s worth all that money and he can remain safe and sound in his villa? Send your goons and watch what happens on a live remote! So of course Rambo kills everyone and somehow is able to save Hugo for last because it’s an action movie and action movie writers steal more money than a pickpocket at a New Year’s celebration. Rambo rips out Hugo’s heart, literally rips the bugger’s heart out! Easily the best part of the film, which I gotta admit, wasn’t hard to pull off. At the end of the movie, after making a bunch of guys his bitch, he rides off into the sunset.

Story of my life.

The Gold and the Beautiful

Welcome to the first and probably only Sorryless Awards Show. I’ll be your host as we honor the top five categories made famous by dead white people. Since I didn’t watch the Oscars, Imma dish up my own version for best actor, actress, director, screenplay and of course . . picture. 

Best Actor (Runaway Bride)- Former Steeler/Raider/Patriot/Almost Saint Antonio Brown takes home the top prize for his (sic) heartfelt apology to the Steelers, the NFL and his ex-girlfriend. This week. Stay tuned for next week when Brown recants all apologies and signs on with Cirque du Soleil before suing the production company in order to get out of his contract.

Best Actress (Sunset Boulevard)- Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi wins again. For residing over an impeachment trial that was easier to predict than a Harlem Globetrotters game. She followed that by ripping up the President’s State of the Union speech in full view of the world when setting it on fire was a much better idea.

Image result for Tom Brady Hulu commercial

Best Director (Lord of the Rings)- Tom Brady scores the award. The former best actor winner for his role in Deflate-Gate, Brady wins here for the cryptic Instagram pic (above) that he posted in the week leading up to Super Bowl 54. Turns out it was a sneak preview for a Hulu commercial Brady would star in on Super Bowl Sunday. And the best part? He says he’s not done yet. Lucky us!

Best Picture (All the President’s Men)- And the award goes to the US Senate. Against a backdrop of corruption and abuse of power, one Republican Senator stands stall. Mitt Romney’s vote to convict the President on one count of abuse of power falls short but he wins the respect of many democrats. Let’s hope the 2020 elections bring some comeuppance to those Republican senators who voted to cover their asses.

Best Screenplay (The Usual Supects)- Chad and Lori Daybell for running an end around on law enforcement officials, the media and every right thinking person alive. These nut bags have somehow avoided any kind of police detainment in spite of the slew of murders involving family members and the unexplained disappearances of their two children . . in September.

As for the pieces of Oscar night I did catch online, I’ve got some thoughts.

  • This no host business blows. I don’t care if it works okay without one . . . I’m not sorry I missed that.
  • Renee Zellweger really looked like Judy Garland!
  • Chris Rock and Steve Martin delivered a vagina monologue? I’m sorry I missed that.
  • One Hollywood legend- Tom Hanks- honors another in Kirk Douglas. As it should be.
  • Enough with the Cats bashing already, for fuck’s sake.
  • I gotta see Parasite.
  • Brad Pitt got political, and while I ain’t usually down with such a thing, his mention was brief, smart and real. I’m okay with that.
  • As I was very okay with the speech Joaquin Phoenix gave after winning the Oscar for his turn in Joker. Sure he’s out there, but that’s what makes him such a great actor. And yanno, when he said that maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to cancel each other out over past failures? That shit resonated with me. And I’m okay with not agreeing with every single thing he said up there. Because I agree with the most important part. Like when he closed it out with a quote from his late brother, River. And that becomes how I choose to close out this post, with nothing more to add to such a beautiful idea.
  • “Run to the rescue with love, and peace will follow.”

 

 

 

 

 

Russian To Judgement

What to do when my creative side hops a bus outta town? Why . . ramble on about the current state of shitty affairs, of course. So Imma dish up a top ten list: As in the top ten reasons why Trump won and is still behind the wheel of our fifty state semi even if his drivers license should have been revoked in . . oh let’s just say January of 2017.

1- High fructose corn syrup: It’s a medically proven fact that the rapid fluctuation of blood sugar can detrimentally impact our mental well-being, and in some cases it can worsen existing mood disorders. And really if you had to diagnose the last three years  . . it would have to fall under the category of mood disorder.

2- Bread and circuses: Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it fell quickly enough . . thanks to a debilitating indifference shown by its citizenry when it came to matters of the republic. America’s diet is rich in gladiator games- from the NFL to UFC- and now with the end of prohibition as far as gambling goes . . most peeps are more concerned with their lack of flow than with how the country is being run.

3- Our love affair with brands: It wouldn’t seem that the two are related, but hear me out. Trump has always been a brand, and too many people behave as consumerists in every facet of their lives. The culmination of these two merged, and there is no refund.

4- It’s Obama’s fault: Everything was his fault, according to the opposition. So why not this?

5- The NFL: They never wanted Trump in their owners clique, as much as he wanted to own a club. So instead of making a single fan base suffer in perpetuity, more than half the country has to live under a WTF cloud. When you consider the fact that a bunch of rich old white guys who never tire of listening to themselves talk couldn’t stand Trump’s rap . . .  well, that says it all doesn’t it?

6-Florida: In the 2000 presidential election, hanging chads, recounts and polling place intrigue created a narrative which effectively satirized the process. Worst case scenarios thus became the expectation.

7- Pat Sajak: He has convinced countless Americans that buying a vowel makes sense. No! If you have a hunch, you go with consonants until you’re certain. You do not risk your short term well being to a rich guy who has bad hair and repeats the same tired lines over and over again.

8- Voters: I’m not suggesting we let the College of Cardinals select our President. It’s just important to remember that the electorate doesn’t have to be informed in order to step behind the curtains. We assume every voter is Tom Brokaw, when the truth of the matter looks more like this genius and this charming individual.

9- Professional Wrestling: Even if you’re not a fan, the pathos of this spectator sport has seeped into our pop culture driven society. Rude is cool, bad is interesting and evil is box office. So back in 2015, when Trump disparaged Mexican people and later trashed Senator John McCain because “I like people who weren’t captured,”, it did not derail his run for office in the least.

10- Michael J. Fox: Let’s face it, he made the snarky conservative know-it-all likable in his turn as Alex Keaton in the ’80’s sitcom Family Ties. Which aired on NBC . . the same network that would later air The Apprentice. The same network, mind you, that re-broadcast The Manchurian Candidate in 1974.

It’s probably all just a crazy coincidence.

Heroes Of The Week!

Image result for Hawkeye Superhero

This week in the news, the Senate proved that the invisibility cloak really is a thing, Harvey Weinstein vied for an Oscar at his rape trial and the Kansas City Chiefs filled in for the New England Patriots as Super Bowl champions. So with that roster of ridiculous and sublime headlines, we deserve our Friday edition.

And now your Heroes . . . .

Kansas City Chiefs defensive tackle Derrick Nnadi belly slides through confetti after the Chiefs 31-20 win over the San Francisco 49ers to win Super Bowl 54 Sunday night in Miami.

Nnadi By Nature- Give this kid a mention and he decides to go double or nothing on me. I was just talking up Chiefs defensive tackle Derrick Nnadi‘s school supply runs last week. Evidently, he’s all about getting right to the encore because he’s made Heroes history by going back to back. After the Chiefs got done winning the Super Bowl, it was announced that Nnadi had paid the adoption fees for every single available dog” at every KC Pet Project location.  Do the math and that’s about fifteen thousand bucks. Consider the cosmic beauty of his deed and it’s priceless.

Image result for rachael ray Nnadi tweet

Sugar Ray- Queen of the Foodies, Rachael Ray, came down with such a case of the feels that she decided to keep the Nnadi-ness going. When she heard about the star’s good deed, she tweeted out an offer to supply free pet food to all of the dogs that are adopted out on Nnadi’s dime. Ray is a passionate animal rights activist who just served up another winning dish for her four legged friends.

What Happens In Vegas Pays In Vegas- The formerly Oakland Raiders are wasting no time endearing themselves to their brand new football home. This week they announced they will be donating $500,000 to tackling meal debt in schools throughout Nevada.

“Today, we want to make a donation to the Nevada Department of Agriculture meal service program, which feeds kids lunch and breakfast at the schools. We are hoping to eliminate the debt that the entire state of Nevada has to do that project, and in that regard we are donating $500,000 to the program,” said Raiders Owner Mark Davis.

The monies will help to make up the difference in school meal debts owed by low income families. Turns out, the silver and black has a heart of gold.
(Props to the Fabulous Q for this story)

A Pizza Their Heart- I know you’re wondering how long this pizza pie stretches to, and Imma tell you it’s not quite long enough to reach the moon . . but not for lack of trying. Pierre and Rosemary Mojo are the owners of Pellegrini’s, an Italian joint outside Sydney Australia. The brother and sister team wanted to do their part in helping those first responders who continue to battle the devastating wildfires in their home country. 338 feet and four thousand slices later, they had a pizza pie all ready for a charity fundraiser. The proceeds will go to the New South Wales Rural Fire Service. Any way you slice it, that’s amore.

Image result for firefighters push car to gas station in Florida

When Push Comes To Love- Some day, when the world stops spinning and our ancient crib dissolves into a cosmic dust, I have to believe the echos of good deeds will provide a spark that gives birth to a brand new planet. And nestled deep inside the womb will be the moments written into being by Captain Dennis Noble, Driver Engineer Joe Clark and Firefighter/Paramedic Duane Norman.

The trio of Florida firefighters out of Hernando County Fire Rescue provided a safe landing for a family that was stranded on the side of the road. Their vehicle had run out of gas while driving a family member to the hospital, so they called 911 and waited for paramedics. After the patient was treated and delivered to a local hospital, the three family members still had a small matter to resolve; they were left with no money, no gas in the tank and because why not, their tire was losing air to boot.

Enter the Station 11 engine crew members Noble, Clark and Norman. These fellas pushed the stranded vehicle a quarter mile- up a hill no less- to a gas station. They tended to the flat tire and then they paid to fill the tank before sending them on down the road again.

When this new planet gets cooking, these wondrously selfless acts will plant the seeds to fill it. From the echos whose kindnesses will not simply move mountains.

They will make them.