Joe Pesci Movie Review: Siberia

So I gotta start by saying what the fuck?! Keanu Reeves is a Canadian? I mean, when in the fuck did that happen? Because when I watched him in dose Matrix flicks, he was an American. And that movie about the bus where he ends up banging Sandra Bullock at the end? Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was an American in that one too . . .

Anyways, Marco asked me to do a movie review for Siberia, and it’s about time he asked me back . . da stupid prick! But he wasn’t doing me any favors as things turned out, because this movie was a more worthless piece of shit than my Uncle Tony.

Things start out okay, because here I was thinking it was a John Wick movie where someone kills his dog at the beginning and then he ends up taking out half of Russia. But no, this ain’t that. At all. It’s . . . what would Marco call it? It’s got more of that nuance shit that he eats up . . that happen to find more pointless than patchouli, but be that as it may. I kept watching because I’m an asshole or something . .

Reeves plays a diamond merchant named Lucas who travels to Russia, because da guy can’t find a movie role that doesn’t involve fucking Russians. He’s in St. Petersburg . . . da other St. Petersburg, where he’s supposed ta hook up with this degenerate named Pyotr. But the guy ain’t nowhere to be found.

So now . . there’s this Russian gangster, which is fucking redundant since every Russian I ever met is a gangster. His name is Boris . . again, redundant. And he’s pissed ya see? Because Lucas, the dumb prick, got screwed ovah by Pyotr and so he aint’ got da diamonds . . and now Boris is gonna cut his balls off if he doesn’t fix this shit. Again . . redundant.

Lucas goes to Siberia to find this Pyotr douche bag. His first night there, he gets in a fight with some Russians that doesn’t go well, because he’s no John Wick. This hot numbah of a waitress named Katya, of fucking course, tells Lucas that her broda thinks they’re sleeping together so get this . . she asks him to bang her. Which he does because he’s not a total schmuck.

And dat’s it! Da rest of this fucking movie is Lucas looking for Pyotr and him banging Katya. Oh yeah, da wife of this Lucas guy? Molly fucking Ringwald . . . and I had no idea! Because you see her like once, and then she’s like, well go bang dis Russian chick if that’s what you wanna do, ya stuttering prick, see if I care! So Lucas bangs her . . like twenty times over the next howah. Evidently, he’s looking ta see if maybe this chick tucked the diamonds up her ass or something.

So Lucas’s trip to Siberia consists of banging Katya and going bear hunting with the guys who kicked his ass earlier in the movie. Fucking genius . . . I mean, who da fuck goes bear hunting with Russians . . outside of Dick Cheney?! And at some point, he finds out that Pyotr fucked him over and sold the diamonds.

Later on, Lucas decides to sell Boris some fake diamonds while wearing a wire because he figures it’s the only way he’s getting out of Russia. Of course, the only good ideas dis guy has are coming from his other head. He does end up finding Pyotr . . dead on a toilet. No diamonds . . .

In da last scene, Lucas gets into a shootout with a piece of shit rifle and somehow is able to kill all the guys who are afta him . . except the one guy he shoulda killed first, because he ends up killing Lucas. Which means he ain’t gonna be banging Katya for da hundredth time inside an howah and a half . .

Thank God

 

Joe Pesci Review: Remains Of The Day

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Da Boss here at Sorryless has been breaking my balls lately, bringing in udda headlinahs to do my job. Can you believe this fucking guy? So he was gonna have James Caan come in for this movie review because he didn’t think I would find it interesting, the clueless prick. I hate to admit it but five minutes into the movie, I thought to myself that the asshole was right. I was ready to close my eyes and pray for a coma. Good thing I snuck in a bottle of Chivas and some gabagool.

Anyway, the story is about this butler named Stevens, played by the same guy who plays that psycho nutbag in Silence of the Lamb Roast. Only he don’t eat faces in this movie so what’s the use? He plays this boring as fuck butler, oh I’m sorry . . reserved boring as fuck butler at this place called Darlington Hall. Yanno why the British lost the revolutionary war to us? Because they were too fucking busy thinking up fancy names for their houses.

So Stevens, who’s about as exciting as a stale piece of Wondah bread, has a thing for this really hot chick named Miss Kenton. She’s played by Emma Thompson, who is a real piece of ass! But in this flick, she’s a prude. Oh, I’m sorry . . she’s a repressed prude.

This Darlington Hall place hosts a lot of parties and the people all have sticks up their asses. Oh yeah, and most of em are Nazis. In one scene that really pissed me off, they try embarrassing Stevens by asking him a lot of political shit. Instead of splitting their heads open, he pretends he’s as stupid as they say he is. What a pussy!

Since Stevens is such a limp dick, Miss Kenton gets another co-worker to bang her and later on, the guy ends up wanting to marry her. These British guys have no fucking idea when it comes to women; they either don’t do jack shit or they buy the ranch, what the fuck? So Miss Kenton lets Stevens know she’s getting banged by anotha guy and that this guy wants to marry her, only she doesn’t say it that way since she’s so delusional. No . . I’m sorry, she’s so demure. Fuggedabout it . . she ain’t getting a rise outta Stevens because his goal is to never get laid.

At the end of this movie, other than bringing me two hours and fourteen minutes closer to death, nothing happens. Stevens goes to see this Kenton chick and asks her to come back to Darlington Hall, but he still can’t admit to her that he’s always wanted to bang her. So . . you know how women are, she tells him she’s gonna stay with her husband because she finds Stevens about as appealing as a Ritz cracker you find under the sofa cushions. Only, she doesn’t tell him that at all because she doesn’t have ta, yanno? All she has to do is give him a look.

Stevens goes back to work and at the end of the movie he saves a pigeon that gets stuck in the hallway. The pigeon is symbolic of freedom, and you’re probably wondering how I figured that one out. Well, the pigeon gets freed . . just like me, because it means this sad fucking excuse for a movie was finally ovah.