Joe Pesci Does Haiku

So I got a ticket yesterday afta noon because I was double parked while picking up my dry cleaning. And okay, I grabbed some bagels and a couple lottery tickets  . .  the newspapers, and alright, I stopped in da liquor store and picked up some Chivas because I never wanna be outta the stuff.

I come outside to find this wackadoo giving me a fucking parking ticket! Can you imagine the noive of dis guy? So I tell him “Yo, what’s the deal? I only been gone like tree minutes? Do ya really gotta bust my chops for being away from my car for tree fucking minutes?!” He keeps writing out the ticket and that really pissed me off. So I told him he wasn’t a meter maid, he was a glorified arcade attendant and I mighta said something about his mudda.

He turns to me and with a straight face . . he says to me “Sir, I am a parking enforcement officer” and then he hands me the fucking ticket! So I says to him, “Yeah, and I’m Jimmy Hoffa”.

Da boss asked me to write a haiku about my experience, so I’ll humor the prick.

A cop wannabe

Putzing around all day long

He can go blow me

Joe Peschi Movie Review: Life of Pi

I was interested in this movie da minute someone told me there was a Bengal tiger in it. I’m pretty sure they used those computer hieroglyphics instead of a real Bengal tiger, but it looked real enough to make me shit my pants when he was swinging those razor clubs.

As for the story, it begins with this family that has a zoo. Which is some really cool shit, to own a zoo, but the father is really humble and serious about it. My old man owned IBM stock and we never heard the end of it! So anyways, this zoo family has to move and get this . . they take the fucking zoo with em . . on a ship! I shit you not, it’s the craziest family story since we found out my Uncle was dressing up like my Aunt.

So they’re on this ship when they run into a big fucking storm, and the storm wins. The ship goes down, taking the zoo and this skinny little asshole kid’s family with it. The fucking thing goes down in like two minutes, which just goes to show you how much money they wasted on that Titanic movie.

The skinny little asshole kid gets lucky when he finds a lifeboat. Only it turns out he ain’t so lucky because there’s a coyote and an orangutang on the lifeboat with him. The Zebra’s cool, but I’m gonna warn you ahead of time not to make the same mistake I made by staring at him for too long. I got dizzy as fuck!. Thank God I smuggled my bottle of Chivas in with me, because that settled my stomach.

Things don’t work out so good for the Zebra, or the coyote or the orangutang either. So it’s the kid and the Bengal tiger, which is about as fair a fight as Elton John and Mike Tyson. Of course, this is Hollywood so we’re supposed to believe the skinny little asshole kid survives when in real life, he woulda been dinner. And if that isn’t ridiculous enough, the kid calls him Richard Parker, as if this is going to make the tiger think twice about eating him, yanno?

Outta nowhere, they introduce another ridiculous story line when their boat lands on an island. But of course it’s not an island like the one Tom Hanks was on in that movie where he never got to marry the chick he was banging. No, this island eats people. Which just goes to show that writers can fuck up a glass of water if you let em. These imbeciles have a Bengal tiger . . who eats everything, but nope . . let’s create an island that eats everything. What the fuck!

So they get the fuck outta there but these two are in some deep shit. The Bengal tiger has lost more weight than one of em Hollywood wives and it wouldn’t even help if he did eat the kid, who’s all skin and bones anyway. They finally make it to shore and the tiger gets outta the boat and just walks into the jungle without so much as telling the kid to kiss his ass. When the kid is rescued, he starts crying because the tiger didn’t say goodbye. Can you imagine the balls on this kid? Gimme a fuckin’ break.

Next thing I know, this Indian guy is talking to some white guy in his living room. It turns out, the zoo animals were really people and this wackadoo made up the whole ridiculous fucking story. And so he asks the white guy which story he prefers- the one with animals or the one with people. Of fucking course he says the better story is the one with the tiger. No shit Sherlock. The Indian guy thanks him and says “And so it goes with God,”.

As if God had anything to do with this flick.

 

Joe Pesci Book Review: Don Quixote (From the archives)

The following post from the archives settles the bar tab on my vacation week. This post comes from a time when I was writing for The 800lb Gorilla. Imma post a warning ahead of time for those of you who are used to reading the mellow fellow I’ve become in my advanced age. This post? Ain’t that. 

WARNING

Don Quixote is the story of this douchebag who’s all fucked up in the head from reading too many fairy tales and shit. He’s a retired guy, probably living on a pension . . which went a long way back then cause he owns a villa and has a housekeeper and shit. The main fucking problem with this guy, outside of the fact that he reads, is that he believes all the stupid shit he’s reading. I mean, he’s really eating all this shit up as if he learned it on the Discovery Channel or CNN or some shit and it was really true . . stupid fuck.

The main character’s name is Alonso Quixano, which kinda reminds me of that moulie rapper . . you know who I’m talking about? Oh no, that’s another story I’m thinking about, that Shakespeare guy wrote it, where the moulie is banging white chicks all over the place and nobody’s chasing him out of the neighborhood for it . . .

So this Alonso fuckhead changes his name to “Don Quixote de la Mancha” so he can be more . . ahh fuck, what’s the word? It rhymes with Chivas Regal . . . more manly. He starts wearing a suit of armor and shit, which I have to say, is a cool part of the story. I always wanted to wear a suit of armor, with sneakers, and like, a little hole cut out in the chest so people could see my gold chains. But no helmet. Don’t fuck with my hair.

And then Don Quixote changes his horse’s name to Rocinante, which is Spanish for Roxanne. I did the same shit with my Riv, I had it detailed back in high school with this Jew chick’s name and then I found out Jimmy? The fucking guy who did the work on it? . . was banging her! I busted his fuckin’ head wide open on my windshield . . . anyway, that’s not important to the story.

So Don Quixote takes a road trip to go looking for some chick he fell in love with as a result of reading all these fag stories. But here’s the best part . . .listen to this shit. The love affair is a pigment of his imagination, the fucking hard up sonuvabitch! Yeah, it’s some chick who lives in the neighborhood who he never had the balls to go up to and ask out so instead he makes up all this crazy shit and pretends he’s gonna find her and she’s gonna be like “oh my God! You found me, let’s get married!” But there’s a better chance his horse is gonna spread his legs for him than this girl, you know what I’m saying? So, of course he ain’t gonna find her, and of course everybody makes fun of him for being such a whacked out asshole, but they call him knightjust in case he’s packing heat or something, because even back then nobody wanted to end up in a Fox News Alert.

Anyway, this fucking Alonso guy decides that his life ain’t fucked up enough, now he’s gonna bring his illegal immigrant friend along for the fucking ride too and fuck up his world. And this little guy, Sancho Panza, he’s an alright guy, ya know? He’s just minding his own business, probably stealing horse carts back then since they didn’t have no cars yet . . but he’s happy, right? And he doesn’t have all the time in the world to go looking for bitches that don’t exist and starting imaginary battles.

Anyway, talking about battles, Don Quixote tells Sancho they’re going to attack some windmills. Sancho has absolutely no fucking idea what he’s talking about, but evidently this nut job thinks the windmills are giant fucking guys with razor blades or some shit like that.

I thought this was an interesting part of the story. You know when authors put in symbols and shit instead of just fuckin’ telling you what the fuck it is that they’re trying to say? I think the windmills were a symbol for Don Quixote’s insecurity with what’s going on in his pants, you know what I mean? It ain’t ever happened to me, but I hear it happens to a lot of guys. And if it ever did happen to me and I was living back in the dark ages, I’d probably go ape shit on windmills too.

Don Quixote sends Sancho off in search of Dulcinea, so Sancho brings a few chicks to Don Quixote and he’s like “Here boss, some multiple choice,” you fucking whackadoo. And Don Quixote gets all pissed off because Dulcinea, the chick who doesn’t actually exist outside of his deranged fuckin’ head, isn’t one of them. So Sancho tells him he can’t see Dulcinea because he’s blind, thanks to all those times he was jerking off to his bullshit fag novels, the stupid motherfucker.

Sancho eventually gets to be governor of some made up island which doesn’t work out since he’s working with the imaginary money Don Quixote was paying him to be his friend. Meanwhile, the crazy fuck goes back home and starts eating right and exercising and realizing just what a crazy fuck he was. He doesn’t get laid. He dies. End of fucking story.