Alright 2019, Let’s Get This Over With

Props for that meme go out to Patrick; the unofficial Mayor of Texas whose resemblance to Captain Spaulding makes me believe in fallen angels. To borrow from the great Edgar Allan Poe, words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.

Anyways, I’ve jotted down a top ten to do list for 2019. These aren’t resolutions, since I don’t believe in the pomp of glorified fortune cookie promises. My list is well worn, amendable and easy. Just like me.

1- Sweat the Details: I know, it runs counter to the new age counsel of self-help drivel that recommends we shake off the little buggers as if they’re spiritual fire-ants. I’ll figure on some details since Imma bake more, as opposed to not at all. And I’ll have my personal running goals, which involve plenty of sweating. Hey, it counts.

2- More Vera Farmiga Invitationals: I posted one last year. Unfuckingacceptable!

No more Dilly Dilly. That shit was funny the first time I heard it. And I happened to be sauced, so everything is funny when you’re sauced. 

3- Read More: I’ve been pretty scattershot with my reading. Binge here, cold case the pile there; more uneven than a Picasso pizza.

4- Find a New TV show: As it is, I dwell in the subterranean universe of the internet (Prime Video) and premium cable (HBO). Because truth be told, basic cable is a shit sale. And now that Bates Motel is dead, Walking Dead is meh and Designated Survivor is in purgatory, I need to go deep cover and grab a guilty pleasure for the winter months.

Applebee’s reverse engineered baby back ribs into an abomination called ‘riblets’. And they enlisted Dolly Parton to do their bidding with “Here You Come Again”. And now, I can’t get the fucking song out of my head. It’s messing up my mind and filling up my senses! Damn Applebee’s to hell for playing on the adorable nature of Dolly Parton. They truly are evil.  

5- Running off the grid: I took a break from running before getting back to it over the last week, with one big difference. No Fitbit. For the first time in almost four years, I ain’t tracking steps, calories, distance, time . . . nada. It’s been a while since I enjoyed running this much, and there’s a lesson in that. Being plugged in is not the same thing as being dialed in. I’ll go back, because that whole sweating the details thing matters a little bit at my age. But I dig the lesson learned.

6- Meditate: With the goal of collapsing into a cloud on the top of Mt Kailash whilst Buddha learns me a lesson on the mechanics of a butterfly.

It’s obvious Brooke Baldwin and Don Lemon’s talents are being wasted on CNN. Why? Because the three letter frowns upon their anchors being lit during a broadcast. Here’s hoping these two go into business together. Drunk podcasts. I. Am. There. 

7- Invent a Word or Phrase: How hard can the shit be if Trump does it every fucking day?

8- Games People Play: Admittedly, I do not share the love of gaming so many kids my age still hold to. I kicked the habit in 1984 and aside from a few brief excursions, I never went back. But after getting hooked on FIFA soccer for the Nintendo Switch I gifted my daughter, maybe I’ll be a low key gamer. (Is umm . . ‘low key gamer’ a phrase? Because if not, I think I nailed Number 7 already!).

The other day, I was verbally accosted by an old dude who had a problem with me tapping all the eggs in a carton before placing them in my cart. He argued that I had ‘contaminated’ them, so I had to explain to him that it was a moot point. See . . if one of the eggs would’ve been cracked, ain’t nobody buying them. And if all the eggs are intact, I’M buying them. And besides all that, it’s the fucking shell! I asked if he was paying my grocery bill to which he said he wasn’t. So I thanked him for wasting thirty seconds of my life.  

9- Write about Andy Warhol: Just writing that made me feel good. He was America’s last great bargain, leaving his fingerprints on everything from music videos and fashion to digital art to time capsules. His brilliant interpretations cannibalized a mass produced society and challenged us to question everything from soup to nuts.

10- Fake Trump Interview: Imma email the White House and after I receive a dozen automated responses that ignore my entreaty . . (Don’t worry, I’ll share my experience with you) I’ll fake interview President Apprentice.

Hope you enjoyed this 10 Commandments For Dummies and that the year is treating you well thus far. Remember, only three hundred and fifty five shopping days until Christmas!

I’ll let myself out.