The Spam Files (Case #4,217)

Spam

Attn:

The sum of $4.5 million. out of your over due total sum has been approved for payment through ATM cash card system after all attempts to pay you through bank, and diplomatic courier failed. The approved sum has been programmed into the ATM cash card which will be dispatched to you through your address upon reconfirmation. I have made several attempts to contact you and this is the 3rd and perhaps the last email to you in respect to this matter. Meanwhile, I received a power of attorney from one SUSAN GERRAD from USA purportedly issued by you asking us to change the fund beneficiary to his name hence we are seeking for your confirmation as soon as possible. to this end, you should Kindly Re-confirm these information to me.

(1) Your Full Names:-

(2) Address:-

(3) Your Phone Numbers:

NOTE: The actual fees for shipping your ATM card is just $105 nothing more and no hidden fees of any sort! Upon receipt of payment the delivery officer will ensure that your package is sent within 24 working hours. Because I am very sure of everything I am giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive payment/package within the next 24hrs after you have made the payment for shipping.

Regards,

Mr. Dave West

Dear Mr. West,

Where have you been all my life?

Firstly, I must apologize for not getting back to you guys sooner. Yeah . . I received your email about the 4.5 million and then promptly forgot all about it. It’s not that I couldn’t use the ching. It’s just that, I was in the middle of a YouTube marathon of worst skateboard accidents and you know how addictive that shit gets. I’m curious, by ‘diplomatic courier’ do you mean my UPS driver, who parks wherever the fuck he feels like parking without any concern for parking tickets?

Hold up, a 4.5 million dollar cash card? That sounds really fucking stressful. I mean, I freak out when I misplace my Whole Foods club card! How’s about you send me forty five hundred cash cards loaded at 100 k each? Or better yet, forty five thousand cash cards at 100 bucks each? I mean . . once I’m a millionaire, losing a hundred bucks will be like the Kardashians losing a husband, no big whoop.

As for your attempts to reach me? Have you tried calling me? Because to paraphrase my Queen Bee highness, the great Beyonce, if you got millions for me you better put a ring on it.

Let the record state that I have never met Susan Gerrad. Girl sounds very take charge though, so feel free to shave a hundy off my tote board for her, coo?

Imma hold off on giving you certain particulars- such as name and address- because I don’t know that I can trust you just yet. Nothing personal, you understand . . it’s strictly business. If you want said information, you’re gonna have to gain my trust. Like, send me your silliest pic. Share your favorite Waffle House story. And perhaps most importantly, how did you get into this line of work? Was it family? A need to give back? Did you aspire to be on a future episode of Dateline?

Now . . . as far as your Note. I happen to think $105 is an outrageous ATM fee. What are we, in Vegas? I mean . . of course there are no hidden fees. They’re pimping their propers for everyone to see, all brazen like. And again, it’s nothing personal . . but I ain’t down with the whole pay to play scene. Matter of fact, Imma let the late, great Michael Corleone sum it up . . in case you ain’t catching my wave.

 

Do me a solid and send me a month’s worth of Hello Fresh grub. I’m partial to the balsamic pork and the peppercorn steak, but if you go heavy on the carnitas I ain’t gonna protest. I anxiously await your response to my retrofitted arrangement. And thanks for trusting me with such a large sum of money. It means the world to me.

Best wishes,

Pierce Inverarity

Beware the Lies of March (Madness)

deflated basketball

Don’t worry, this isn’t a whiny, frothing rant on the shitty state of the sports world. No . . this is a whiny, frothy rant on the shitty state of college basketball.

I used to be a fan of college ball back in the day. Back when players stayed in school all four years. Back when conferences made sense. Back when fundamentals mattered more than gangster posing and preening and three pointers and slam dunk highlights.

This isn’t to say that players shouldn’t make the jump to the NBA if they possess the skills. Hey, if you can make baller money . . go do it! But this is to say that the pillars of the sport- Roy Williams, Jim Boeheim, Jim Calhoun, Mike Krzyzewski- have failed their young charges. Miserably. Not the one tenth of one percent who end up playing at the next level. They have failed the ones who won’t. But since those kids aren’t where the money’s at, no prob.

Rail on all you want about John Calipari being shameless. Damn the basketball factory he’s running at Kentucky, but yanno what? He is the only one who ain’t lying. And most of his starting lineup actually will get drafted by an NBA team. So there’s that.  See, all the rest of these coaches love Calipari, because he’s the punching bag for their transgressions.

This didn’t just happen overnight, mind you. It happened over decades and decades, as the money got bigger and the priorities of these institutions of higher learning became increasingly narrow and subversive. How else to explain how it is that many taxpayer funded schools wantonly recruit athletes with rap sheets . . recruit athletes from the other side of the world . . hire coaches in order to ‘bribe’ recruits into playing for them.

Why doesn’t someone ask Jim Boeheim how he got out from under the Bernie Fine scandal? Why doesn’t someone ask Jim Calhoun how, if he loved his kids so much, he could leave them and his school holding the bag when he walked away from a litany of transgressions, unscathed? Why won’t someone ask Pimp Daddy Rick Pitino what he’s smoking when he boasts of always having run clean programs? And why in the blessed fuck doesn’t someone ask Michigan State coach Tom Izzo to be real, or at least try? When Izzo says he won’t answer any non-basketball related questions in fairness to his players, why doesn’t someone ask about the women and the girls? Was it fair to them? Every single fucking question he is asked should be about the women and the girls.

And now we get “March Madness”- the most over hyped production since Waterworld, and every bit as anti-climactic. How else to explain a tournament where every single ‘upset’ is a subjective enterprise? I mean, a committee seeds the teams, which is overwhelmingly subjective. And then, when a nine seed beats an eight seed, everyone screams UPSET!. The truth of the matter is there are very few true ‘upsets’ in the tournament, yet we are led to believe it happens all the time and every year. It’s nonsense, perpetuated by networks who buy the rights to televise this tournament for a shitload of money, after which they lord over the NCAA. The tail wags the dog, and the tail is big money that leads to more corruption, which leads to the next scandal. After which the NCAA will get tough by taking wins away from a school, titles too. But it won’t change a fucking thing, because the system is built for cheating.

I know exactly one thing about this year’s tournament. My son’s school (Penn) is slotted as the sixteenth seed in some regional . . somewhere . . Whoville or Buttfuckswana who knows? What I do know is that these kids- all of ’em- will be pulled out of the classroom to go play tournament basketball for days, maybe even weeks at a time. Not that the high profile athletes have to worry themselves with missed class time, unless they want to be students. The academics are optional for too many of these kids, and the sad fact is that too few of these kids will make an NBA roster, so yanno . . a college education is kind of important.

The Penn Quakers will be playing the number one seed Kansas Jayhawks. The game will most likely be over before halftime, and Kansas will probably make another title run because they’re a minor league basketball team whose integrity as an academic institution now runs a distant second to being a basketball power, since that’s where the money is.

The Penn kids will be just fine, and who knows . . maybe a few of them will even be representing the Kansas kids before too long. Either as player/agents or in a court of law. Harsh, sure. True? Absofuckinglutely.

I’ll fill out a bracket in which I guess my ass off, but I will not watch a minute of the tournament. Because college basketball doesn’t need me, they already have their money.

Maybe it was always going to be this way. Maybe college basketball was destined to be a runaway train whose allegiance to the almighty dollar over every single other thing was gonna happen regardless. Maybe it was always destined to crash and burn in the same way Bobby Knight’s coaching career did, after one too many bad grandpa acts. Come to think of it, Knight is symbolic of college basketball- a high profile bully whose boorishness was overlooked because winning games mattered most. Knight was the literal bottom to a bottom line that honors winning games over all else. I wish Bobby Knight would’ve tried his act on the wrong person, just once. Because he didn’t need kudos and applause. What he needed was a good ass kicking.

So too, does his sport.