Joe Pesci Movie Review: Siberia

So I gotta start by saying what the fuck?! Keanu Reeves is a Canadian? I mean, when in the fuck did that happen? Because when I watched him in dose Matrix flicks, he was an American. And that movie about the bus where he ends up banging Sandra Bullock at the end? Yeah, I’m pretty sure he was an American in that one too . . .

Anyways, Marco asked me to do a movie review for Siberia, and it’s about time he asked me back . . da stupid prick! But he wasn’t doing me any favors as things turned out, because this movie was a more worthless piece of shit than my Uncle Tony.

Things start out okay, because here I was thinking it was a John Wick movie where someone kills his dog at the beginning and then he ends up taking out half of Russia. But no, this ain’t that. At all. It’s . . . what would Marco call it? It’s got more of that nuance shit that he eats up . . that happen to find more pointless than patchouli, but be that as it may. I kept watching because I’m an asshole or something . .

Reeves plays a diamond merchant named Lucas who travels to Russia, because da guy can’t find a movie role that doesn’t involve fucking Russians. He’s in St. Petersburg . . . da other St. Petersburg, where he’s supposed ta hook up with this degenerate named Pyotr. But the guy ain’t nowhere to be found.

So now . . there’s this Russian gangster, which is fucking redundant since every Russian I ever met is a gangster. His name is Boris . . again, redundant. And he’s pissed ya see? Because Lucas, the dumb prick, got screwed ovah by Pyotr and so he aint’ got da diamonds . . and now Boris is gonna cut his balls off if he doesn’t fix this shit. Again . . redundant.

Lucas goes to Siberia to find this Pyotr douche bag. His first night there, he gets in a fight with some Russians that doesn’t go well, because he’s no John Wick. This hot numbah of a waitress named Katya, of fucking course, tells Lucas that her broda thinks they’re sleeping together so get this . . she asks him to bang her. Which he does because he’s not a total schmuck.

And dat’s it! Da rest of this fucking movie is Lucas looking for Pyotr and him banging Katya. Oh yeah, da wife of this Lucas guy? Molly fucking Ringwald . . . and I had no idea! Because you see her like once, and then she’s like, well go bang dis Russian chick if that’s what you wanna do, ya stuttering prick, see if I care! So Lucas bangs her . . like twenty times over the next howah. Evidently, he’s looking ta see if maybe this chick tucked the diamonds up her ass or something.

So Lucas’s trip to Siberia consists of banging Katya and going bear hunting with the guys who kicked his ass earlier in the movie. Fucking genius . . . I mean, who da fuck goes bear hunting with Russians . . outside of Dick Cheney?! And at some point, he finds out that Pyotr fucked him over and sold the diamonds.

Later on, Lucas decides to sell Boris some fake diamonds while wearing a wire because he figures it’s the only way he’s getting out of Russia. Of course, the only good ideas dis guy has are coming from his other head. He does end up finding Pyotr . . dead on a toilet. No diamonds . . .

In da last scene, Lucas gets into a shootout with a piece of shit rifle and somehow is able to kill all the guys who are afta him . . except the one guy he shoulda killed first, because he ends up killing Lucas. Which means he ain’t gonna be banging Katya for da hundredth time inside an howah and a half . .

Thank God

 

Joe Peschi Movie Review: Life of Pi

I was interested in this movie da minute someone told me there was a Bengal tiger in it. I’m pretty sure they used those computer hieroglyphics instead of a real Bengal tiger, but it looked real enough to make me shit my pants when he was swinging those razor clubs.

As for the story, it begins with this family that has a zoo. Which is some really cool shit, to own a zoo, but the father is really humble and serious about it. My old man owned IBM stock and we never heard the end of it! So anyways, this zoo family has to move and get this . . they take the fucking zoo with em . . on a ship! I shit you not, it’s the craziest family story since we found out my Uncle was dressing up like my Aunt.

So they’re on this ship when they run into a big fucking storm, and the storm wins. The ship goes down, taking the zoo and this skinny little asshole kid’s family with it. The fucking thing goes down in like two minutes, which just goes to show you how much money they wasted on that Titanic movie.

The skinny little asshole kid gets lucky when he finds a lifeboat. Only it turns out he ain’t so lucky because there’s a coyote and an orangutang on the lifeboat with him. The Zebra’s cool, but I’m gonna warn you ahead of time not to make the same mistake I made by staring at him for too long. I got dizzy as fuck!. Thank God I smuggled my bottle of Chivas in with me, because that settled my stomach.

Things don’t work out so good for the Zebra, or the coyote or the orangutang either. So it’s the kid and the Bengal tiger, which is about as fair a fight as Elton John and Mike Tyson. Of course, this is Hollywood so we’re supposed to believe the skinny little asshole kid survives when in real life, he woulda been dinner. And if that isn’t ridiculous enough, the kid calls him Richard Parker, as if this is going to make the tiger think twice about eating him, yanno?

Outta nowhere, they introduce another ridiculous story line when their boat lands on an island. But of course it’s not an island like the one Tom Hanks was on in that movie where he never got to marry the chick he was banging. No, this island eats people. Which just goes to show that writers can fuck up a glass of water if you let em. These imbeciles have a Bengal tiger . . who eats everything, but nope . . let’s create an island that eats everything. What the fuck!

So they get the fuck outta there but these two are in some deep shit. The Bengal tiger has lost more weight than one of em Hollywood wives and it wouldn’t even help if he did eat the kid, who’s all skin and bones anyway. They finally make it to shore and the tiger gets outta the boat and just walks into the jungle without so much as telling the kid to kiss his ass. When the kid is rescued, he starts crying because the tiger didn’t say goodbye. Can you imagine the balls on this kid? Gimme a fuckin’ break.

Next thing I know, this Indian guy is talking to some white guy in his living room. It turns out, the zoo animals were really people and this wackadoo made up the whole ridiculous fucking story. And so he asks the white guy which story he prefers- the one with animals or the one with people. Of fucking course he says the better story is the one with the tiger. No shit Sherlock. The Indian guy thanks him and says “And so it goes with God,”.

As if God had anything to do with this flick.

 

At the Movies! (Totally, Shamelessly Unauthorized Edition)

Movie Theater

January is God’s way of saying, “I got nothing,”.

It’s a month in which people trash their resolutions, pen resignation letters that never see the light of day, and sign up for overpriced online dating sites in spite of the fact Craigslist is free. For yours truly, I like to keep it simple. I use the cavernous din of thirty one days to binge watch. TV shows, documentaries, movies, and that Live PD show I’ve been checking out . . . on demand. (I know it defeats the purpose, but that’s what the fast forward button is for).

My latest menu offerings consist of Boardwalk Empire- in which my interest has waned sufficiently that I’m pretty sure I ain’t making it through the entire five seasons. Hemlock Grove on Netflix is another story. I switched out Stranger Things a couple episodes into Season 2 for this Eli Roth joint, and I’m hooked. As for docs, An Apology for Elephants, The Cheshire Murders and David Bowie: The Last Five Years are worth a look if you ain’t down with the winter blues.

As far as movies go, I’m not married to a particular genre, so my cinematic grab bag consists of amazing thrill rides, guilty pleasures and the “I’m two hours closer to death,” forgettable. Shit if that doesn’t describe my love life as well, but whatevs. Since misery loves company, Imma deal up a quick shot review on the last five movies I’ve seen. Four cable flicks and one theater going experience.

Apologies to Siskel and Ebert ahead of time . . .

The Circle- My quick thoughts? Meh. Tom Hanks’s amalgamated characterization of a fictional mogul (Bezos/Gates/Jobs) was effective if not standout through no fault of his own. Emma Watson played the role of damsel in George Orwell’s court with the requisite naivete. Her disillusionment as per her ‘dream job’ doesn’t follow the predictable path in that there are no high speed car chases or heroic rescues, and for that I guess I am thankful. Methinks The Circle oversimplified things, but when you only got a couple hours to tell a tale like this, it happens.

Logan- Thanks to the OG for this one. We’re used to our superheroes being snarky (Tony Stark), sexy (Bruce Wayne) beasts (Thor). So what of the inevitable? Yanno . . the sands of the hour glass? What happens when these mythological characters are no longer young and beautiful? What happens when mortality taps on their shoulder and lets ’em know their time is coming to an end? This was that story, and I was digging it.

Halloween Reboot

Count me ALL IN on the Halloween reboot set to hit theaters this October. I know, I know . . . the entertainment world is beating the ever loving shit out of the reboot. Original story lines have become damn near impossible to come by anymore. But . . . here’s a reboot I never get tired of. You got Nick Castle reprising his role as Michael Myers, forty years later, instantly becoming my newest hero. You got the master John Carpenter acting as a creative consigliere. And you got Jamie Lee Curtis returning as Laurie Strode. When asked how writers David Gordon Green and Danny McBride plan on explaining Laurie Strode’s return after Myers threw her off a building in Resurrection, Carpenter had a brilliant response. “It picks up after the first one and it pretends that none of the others were made,”. Works for me!

Gal Gadot

Keeping up with the Joneses- This is one of those movies I put on when I’m working on stuff and I need some background noise. The only reason I chose this flick over busy working to my favorite lines in Pulp Fiction is because Gal Gadot was in it. Which is why I’m giving the film four stars out of five. Because Gal Gadot was in it. Which is why I am never going to be mistaken for a movie critic.

Hacksaw Ridge- Quite simply, brilliant. This is a story about standing behind your convictions in the face of blistering opposition and not giving an inch. It’s a love story, a war story and a true story. The battle scenes are grotesquely real and the acting is superb all the way around. And Vince Vaughn can be serious, and he’s actually very good at it. Who knew?

The Shape of Water- A stylized monster movie with an old time feel AND Michael Shannon doing his thing? Sold! It wasn’t del Toro’s best, but so what? His magical ability to create fictional worlds we can step inside of makes him one of the best in the business. And Shannon is perhaps the most intense human being to ever grace the silver screen. He’s the Russell Westbrook of movies in that he is always going a hundred miles an hour.

Lauren Bacall

I’ve reconsidered that apology I made to Siskel and Ebert earlier. Because while I may have vandalized the art of cinematic review, it’s not like I’m the only one doing it these days. And besides, those dudes don’t need no stinking apologies. They’re in a much better place, where January ain’t no thing, every seat is an aisle seat and Lauren Bacall is letting that glorious purr out to play every night.

Lucky bastards.