Heroes Of The Week!


Luis Alvarez

In this week’s episode, Imma go five strong in the old school style of business. Five stories that run the gamut, from zeroism (my word) to heroism. You’ll notice that I deviated from the typical superhero pic that usually accompanies the Friday edition of Heroes. I decided to go with a real life superhero, Luis Alvarez, who died last Saturday after a three year battle with cancer. The canyons were built for shoulders like his.

“I’ll take clueless about colonies for $1,000, Alex,”- I’ve been a consistent defender of Colin Kaepernick’s anthem protests because I’m democratic and such. But his holler over the colonial flag is more off key than Francis Scott after a night of making merry. Kaep took exception with the design of Nike’s Air Max 1 Quick Strike Fourth of July sneaker, which features the Betsy Ross flag design.

Nike, which has no problem making sneakers that cost hundreds of dollars and have gotten many a kid mugged or worse for sporting ’em, decided not to release the 4th of July special edition kicks. Because it was deemed “racially insensitive” by Kaep. It’s really getting to the point where history is being reworked to facilitate rather than to educate, and that endgame is a frightening proposition.

Tanks for nothing- El Presidente decided to take a page out of the Russian holiday playbook, switching out May with July . . of course. The Continental Congress signed the Declaration of Independence two hundred and forty three years ago, and not a single one of those signers asked for the top rung. They understood the shared responsibilities of a brave new world and were of the belief that no one man was more important than the freedoms and liberties enjoyed by all men. I mean . . they’d fought to get away from that.

And so this brand walk by .45 felt incongruous to what our founding fathers had in mind. The tanks and fighter jets display was inauthentic enough. But his speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial was abject showmanship on a day that is meant to commemorate the courage and sacrifice of every single man and woman who fought to gain, and preserve, our way of life.

They make soccer look gooood- The US women’s national team is in the World Cup finals for the third time in a row and will go for their second straight crown on Sunday against the Netherlands. They got there thanks to goals by Alex Morgan and Christen Press, and diamond cut goalkeeping by Alyssa Naeher in a 2-1 victory over England. In doing so, they overcame the absence of supernova midfielder Megan Rapinoe, who was sidelined with a strained hamstring.

As per usual, the ladies got some peeps all up in their feelings with their greatest show on turf. Their sexy forward, Alex Morgan, fancied a cup of imaginary tea to sip on after scoring a goal early on against England. Of course, pub goers across London took to social media with modern day red coats and bayonets after the display. And a few of the gals on England’s team got their knickers all in a knot over the shenanigans as well.

Our girls are hated . . they are real . .

And they are magnificent.

Finding peace and purpose under the sea- What do you get when you combine veterans with PTSD and an ailing environment? Would you believe it if I told you magic? Because that’s what the organization Force Blue is working along an eighty mile stretch of Florida coastline.

The idea of recruiting former military members for scuba diving missions to preserve and rescue endangered coral reefs is the brainchild of Jim Ritterhoff and Rudy Reyes. The genesis of this venture came to be after the two friends went on a scuba diving trip in 2015. Reyes, who had been suffering from depression after serving as a Recon Marine, found the experience transformative.

And so now, the men are changing minds with each new ‘mission’ to save the coral reefs. Because all those cynics who are so adept at refuting scientists, are being told by their heroes that something needs to be done about the damage we’re doing to the environment.

A genius idea that profits the environment . . . what a novel concept.

Luis Alvarez Congress

That is Luis Alvarez on the other side of sixty nine chemotherapy treatments. A ghostly remnant of the NYPD detective who possessed the physique of a linebacker and the heart of a lion. It can be said that Alvarez never did stop digging after those planes reduced the twin towers to rubble.

He lived fifty three mortal years but he lived thousands of lives in the last eighteen years; encompassing the friends he lost, the strangers he helped to recover and the fraternity he fought for until his dying breath. His was not merely the life of a public servant but a living testament to what service means. He lived through hell on September 11th, and then he kept stepping foot back inside of those nightmarish hours; day after day, month after month. Until they all found home.

In a perfect world, Alvarez would have made a great old man. But there’s nothing perfect about a place where people sacrifice everything and still have to fight for compensation on the other side. Unlike those members of Congress who didn’t show up to listen to him speak last month, Alvarez showed up. Every day. Until his body couldn’t do it any longer, until his spirit’s passing left the world a little bit colder.

The angels win, again.






Things We Lose In The Fire

Back in the day, when Matters did have some consequence and I was writing on a blog that spared no one, I had a default reply to anyone who threw down on me with a nasty comment. It went something like this.

Go fuck yourself. 

It didn’t end there. Because I’m nothing if not respectful to those I hurl insults at, as dichotomous as that sounds. I feel that if you’re going to engage in name calling with me, Imma clap back with my particulars in bold faced detail. This is because I want to make clear that I refuse to be sucker punched by someone looking to bully me with words.

And let’s face it, social media is a greenhouse for peeps who wish to hit and run. They shout you down as being an -ist and then they flee the scene of the crime because they don’t have proof of assurance. Who needs to be pliable when you can be libel? And get away with it. Sweet deal.

I want to share an exchange I had with a reader of my blog back in 2007. He replied to a post I wrote about Michael Vick after the Atlanta Falcons QB was arrested for his involvement in a dog fighting ring. As happens with peeps who do bad shit, Vick “found” God in the aftermath of his crimes. So I wrote a post in which I speculated on what a phone call between Vick and God would look like. Needless to say, it didn’t end well for Vick.

I’ll narrate the exchange, starting with his comment to my post.


The “culture” thing I agree has been misused by some so-called black leaders to the point of boredom. However, one has only to look at the “Jena 6” to realize that the spectre of racism/cultural double-standard is alive and well. Instead of talking about Mike Vick’s depravity against dogs, how about spotlighting the foul shit that’s going down in the back bayous of good ole’ Louisiana. PLEASE Don’t get “tired” to the point of being blind. Like you stated “What’s wrong is just wrong.”

I know we all want to live in the Utopia States of America, but the fact is the racial/cultural bias in some parts of this country is alive and well. I wonder what your take on this case is, and will you write a “funny” little vignette about it? By the way the lack of national (around the clock) coverage for this case, as opposed to the Vick case, is what’s really insulting to the black community.

Okay, now at this point I could have Napalmed his opinion. But he wasn’t name calling or engaging in sophomoric assaults. His was an opinion that differed from mine. Simple as that. So I responded with this.

The difference between the Vick story and the Jena 6 story is that one involves high school kids and the other involves a grown man. Vick should have known better; his horrible judgement leaves him wide open to satirists and Op-ed junkies. His newfound relationship with God (sic) notwithstanding, I believe Vick is simply a bad guy who will hide behind anything- from the law to God and back again- in order to work his way out of the hole he dug in the first place.

Those kids in Jena? Just a little different, don’t you think? There is nothing in the world I could do to “funny” up what those kids went through as a result of a racial chasm they did not ask for nor deserve to be victims of.

Hypocrisy is fodder, and I’m an equal opportunity offender. Last I looked, Larry Craig was a white Senator from Idaho. He hid behind family values while living a lifestyle he supposedly abhorred. He gets slammed. Vick gets slammed. It’s my blog, my opinion.

We don’t believe in sacred cows here. No one is beyond our reach; black or white, man or woman, Dem or GOP. And what we’re really tired of is a homogenized news cycle that shows a brilliant propensity for missing the point. We want the point, as I believe you do, to be driven home. Why Vick over Jena? Indeed.

And as far as the bayou is concerned, we both know it’s not necessary to travel to the swamps to find the depths. It’s everywhere.

I appreciate your comments, I really do. And believe it or not, I offer no wisecracking comebacks to you, because I believe you are coming at me from the heart. I like that, I respect that. And I invite that.

I don’t feel as if you’ve called me out on this one; but rather, you’ve asked me to see another side. And I do, I try, and where I fail, please let me know. The worst I will do is disagree, but I won’t ignore a thoughtful attempt.

And he came back at me, not with vitriol, but with this.

Thoughtful response. Much appreciated and respected. I think I’ll continue to read your blog.

True to his word, he read us and he would comment from time to time. And like . . . wow, right? Two people, one black and one white . . disagreeing with each other in harmony. And to think, back then we used to wonder where the world was going to?

Now I wonder where it went.

Heroes Of The Week!

Dare Devil

Family Value$- Rep. Duncan Hunter out of California is what Big Politics is all about. He is expert at talking out of both sides of his mouth; railing on about wanton spending and people’s personal lives whilst playing the role of Hugh Hefner in sequined Uncle Sam hat. Last year, Hunter and his wife were charged with bogarting a quarter of a million G-Dubs from his campaign war chest for family outings, private school tuition and beer runs (well, it said personal expenses but the dude likes beer). And wait! There’s more! He re-purposed even ‘mo money for ski trips, bar tabs (told ya) and hotel trysts with various congressional aides. His “Do as I say and not as I do,” act needs to get slam dunked.

Let’s get high!- I watched Nik and Lijana Walenda walk the high wire over Times Square . . the night after it happened. On YouTube. Because hells if I was gonna watch it live. The duo tiptoed across a 1,300 feet wire the width of a quarter, 25 feet off the ground. Oh, and it was Lijana’s first walk since a near fatal fall two years ago in which she broke every bone in her face. For those who shrugged off the performance on account of the fact they wore harnesses (NYC law), ummm . . . let’s see them try it.

There’s a catch- Next time some football diva celebrates a touchdown catch, Imma clap back with this video because “That’s not a catch . . . that’s a catch!” Check out this kid in Turkey as he catches a toddler who fell from a window. And if babies ever start falling from the sky, dial him up.

Girls just wanna have fun- Okay, the US women’s soccer team is a lousy act when it comes to sportsmanship. I got some flak for letting them off the hook in last week’s episode of Heroes, but lemme ‘splain. I’m a Yankees fan (Death Star) who digs on Negan from Walking Dead and Darth Vader. The girls are hated in many corners, and rightfully so, but I happen to find them interesting as hell. And unlike the men’s soccer team, they get shit done.

Fuck that- Imma root on the girls because they make the pitch a sexy intrigue, but Megan Rapinoe’s got to ditch the four letter sorties she’s flinging at Trump. She ain’t the first person to engage in a rubber band fight with .45. From De Niro to Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib, the middle finger movement has one thing in common. It doesn’t work. Kudos to Rapinoe for coming out this week and saying that while she still ain’t stepping foot inside 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, she shouldn’t have used a four letter reply in saying so. That’s more like it.

My kind of (sports) town- I’m of the opinion that St Louis Cardinals fans are the best fans in baseball. They helped prove me right this week with a five minute standing ovation for Albert Pujols- who left the Cards in 2012 and signed a $210 million dollar contract with the Angels. It was his first trip back to the Gateway City since, and the hometown fans made Pujols feel as if he never left. They didn’t boo him for leaving, they cheered him for what he meant when he was theirs. At Busch Stadium, class is always in session.

Is there a Lemonhead Law?- A car dealership in Alabama (It’s hilarious already, right?) is offering up a holy shit of a deal for anyone who buys a new or pre-owned car. “Gods, Guns and Freedom” will gift each customer a bible, an American flag . . . and a 12-gauge shotgun. In a Facebook post, Chatom Ford heralds the promotion as an opportunity to “celebrate our independence”. From what? Sanity?

Great call, Ump- Last week I shared a story about what NOT to do when you’re a parent by chatting up those imbeciles who rumbled during a game being played by seven year old kids. The fight was precipitated by a call made by the umpire, who’s all of thirteen years old.

It’s a good thing we have peeps like Chris Guccione, who gets it. Guccione is a MLB umpire who read the story and then decided to reach out to the family of Josh Cordova- that thirteen year old umpire. Guccione invited them to be his guests at a game he will be calling in Colorado, between the Rockies and the Los Angeles Dodgers.

“This is my state, this is where my heart is,” Guccione, a Colorado native, told The Denver Post on Thursday. “So when I saw the incident that happened, I was concerned. I was like, ‘Oh my gosh, this is in my backyard.'”

Forget killing the ump, let’s kiss this one instead.



Heroes Of The Week!


Captain Marvel

Open Season in the Dominican- The death toll is ten and counting, with all sorts of theories abounding- from terror plots to a sleepy island gone Wild West. All that, and an assassination attempt that almost took out Big Papi, which, even if it was a case of mistaken identity, ain’t good for (tourist) business. This place is Camden with palm trees.

Why Jon Stewart fights- Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell wonders why the former talk show host was so “bent out of shape” when he testified before Congress last week? Look no further than Lou Alvarez, a 53-year-old former NYPD bomb squad detective who has colorectal cancer. His liver has completely shut down as a result of tumors and he underwent his 69th round of chemo the day after testifying before Congress last week. In spite of all that, less than half of the 14 members of the subcommittee on Constitution, Civil Rights and Civil Liberties were present to hear Alvarez speak. That’s unacceptable.

Tending to his goals- New York Islanders goaltender Robin Lehner made his bones this year and in so doing became a finalist for his position’s top honor- the Vezina Trophy. And while he didn’t score that one, he did take home the Masterton Award; which goes to the player that best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey. Lehner has been open about his struggles with substance abuse as well as his mental health journey. Toughness isn’t about being fearless, but rather it shows itself when you overcome those fears. “I’m not ashamed to say I’m mentally ill, but that doesn’t mean mentally weak.” Lehner says. True words from a true believer.

And they say Eagles fans are bad- Mexican national team fans take home the “Asshat Fan Base Of The Week” Award for their disgusting chant of Pato (The English translation of which means Faggot) during soccer games. Forget a wall, just put up a soundproof barrier around these assholes.

Home Alone, starring Charles Bronson 2.0- 11 year old Braydon Smith was home alone when three visitors decided to make an impromptu house call. Bad idea. One of the would be burglars grabbed a pellet gun that belonged to the family and ordered Smith into his bedroom closet while he and his partners in crime ransacked the place. Unshaken, the kid didn’t stay put, instead grabbing a machete from the wall and whacking one of them in the back of the head. After retaliating with punches and kicks, the intruder realized he was losing a lot of blood and fled the scene with his bungle bunch. And somewhere in Hollywood, Tarantino is dreaming up a Home Alone reboot . . .

The Four Letter Network can’t help itself- On a recent segment of ESPN’s First Take show, LaVar Ball made a lewd inference when host Molly Querim interrupted his mindless chatter by telling him she wanted to switch gears on the conversation.

“You can switch gears with me anytime,” Ball replied.

Querim navigated the uncomfortable situation admirably, but I have to wonder why her employers even gave this creep a platform. Again. ESPN is really good at celebrating dudes with attitudes, and then it feigns shock when these assholes do what everyone expects them to do. Querim deserved better, and so do right minded peeps.

Over the (thin blue) line- Those cops in Phoenix who pulled guns on a young family are why so many people live in fear of the public servants who are supposed to protect them. The story goes that their four year old daughter took a doll from a Dollar Store without their knowledge, after which the cops gave chase. I’m being serious. And then things got really stupid as the cops played it as if they were taking down the Manson family. It’s going to take a lot more than an apology from the Chief of Police to right this wrong.

And the flip side- Austin Police Officer James Riley is doing his part to bring a more positive vibe to the strained relationship between cops and community. When Riley noticed a young boy walking in the parking lot of a grocery store all by his lonesome, he approached the boy, who told him he was there to buy snacks for himself and his younger sibling. Riley gave him a ride home, at which point he learned the family was going through hard times financially. He told the kids to stay put and not to leave the house without an adult in the future, and then he went back to the grocery store and filled his cart with groceries and snacks for the family. Riley protected and he served.

Minor league parents- As if we didn’t know that Little League parents can make the Duggars look like the Swiss Family Robinson, we have this. A game comprised of seven year old kids at Westgate Elementary School in Lakewood, Colorado devolved into a steel cage match because the grown ups disagreed with an umpire’s call. Oh yeah, and the umpire is thirteen years old. You can’t make this shit up, and really . . why would you?

Chewy on this- Muchas gracias to the lovely Dale at A Dalectable Life for providing the flourishing touch to this week’s Heroes post.

When Joseph Inabnet had to put down his thirteen year old pug named Bailey last October, he lost a companion who had defied the odds for more than eight years. Bailey was beset with myriad health issues from the age of five, and according to Inabnet, it was in large part thanks to the outstanding care provided by their veterinarian that she lived for almost fourteen years. And so he gave thanks for the time he was gifted, even if it didn’t make the end any easier.

And then he contacted Chewy.com to see if he might be able to return an unopened bag of prescription dog food for a refund. The company told him to donate the dog food instead and they issued him a refund. But they didn’t stop there. They also sent him a sympathy card and an oil painting of Bailey that was based on a photo Inabnet had sent to the company. Because sometimes the bottom line has absolutely nothing to do with money.

To small kindnesses that prosper.






Heroes Of The Week!

Super Woman

Fandumb- Sports fans have a hard time staying in their lane but Warriors minority owner Mark Stevens took this hubris to another level Wednesday night when he shoved the Raptors Kyle Lowry after the point guard fell out of bounds. Stevens was kicked out for his actions and is not welcome for the remainder of the NBA Finals. Here’s hoping the Warriors don’t stop there. Stevens should be forced to sell his share of the club because there’s no room for his antics.

What a ride!- Lemuel Buster is a volleyball referee at Paulding County Parks and Recreation Department in Paulding County, Georgia. The dude is so committed to the kids he works with that after his car’s transmission went to the great beyond, he rented a car so he wouldn’t miss a game. A collection was taken up, after which Buster was presented with a Chrysler Sebring convertible and $2,000 in gift card donations. You really do get what you give.

NFL boss bullies Buffalo- When NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell talks about how the Bills need a new stadium to remain ‘competitive’, that’s what he’s doing. He’s pricing out a town that sits on the poverty line. He wants to bring his corporate (expensive) visions to a blue collar town, even if they can’t afford it. That is shameful.

YouTube find of the week #1- Kenneth Copeland is proof positive there is a hereafter. Because this creep is a demon, first class. He proves it, again, in this video.

Cheap Shit King strikes again!- Walmart lost the two tier graduation cake Marsy Flores ordered for her daughter, so they had her pick out a cake of her choice- free of charge- and they decorated it. Fast forward to the graduation party when the proud mama sliced into . . . Styrofoam. Because they gave her a fucking display cake. Low prices ain’t worth this kind of stupid.

Home (Depot) is where the heart is- Two year old Logan Moore has a condition called hypotonia which affects muscle tone and stability. As a result of this, he is unable to walk on his own and the insurance process to get Logan a walker is tedious. So his mom Christian took him to Home Depot recently in search of materials with which to make their own. Once the peeps knew the deal, they helped her find everything and then the manager sent her family out for ice cream. When they returned, Logan had a walker made from PVC piping. Gratis. That’s how you make the world a home.

Justice? Or just this?- Former Sheriff’s Deputy Scot Peterson deserved to be fired. The resource officer failed the students and faculty at Marjory Douglas Stoneman High School, where 17 lives were taken last year. But the 11 criminal charges lodged against him is unprecedented and I wonder if it sticks or if this is just for show. Was it so we’ll stop asking why school administrators didn’t heed all the warning signs, or why the FBI didn’t do any followup on Nikolas Cruz before that fateful day? I’m not defending Peterson by any means. But this feels like subterfuge.

YouTube find of the week #2- Wait, hold up . . these dudes stole my moves!

Experts in Bullshitology- The NBA finals is proving (once again) that sports analysts are nothing more than overpaid guesswork artists. I’ve watched three prominent voices change their predictions twice already . . and they’ve only played three games!

Back to the Bat Cave! Again?!- Maybe Robert Pattinson ends up being the actor who does for Batman what Heath Ledger did for the Joker. But hells . . can’t all these brilliant minds at DC let the Bat Man chill for a while?

Special Delivery- Saturday was always a special day for the Creans and their dog Casey. It was package day for the couple, and Josh the Fed Ex driver never forgot to include Casey in the festivities, leaving a treat on top of the box each time. Casey’s passing in April hit her owners, and Josh, hard. So he took it upon himself to gift the Creans a paw print memorial to put in their garden. For some it might be a job, but not this dude.

YouTube find of the week #3- The Boss of 10 Downing Street is Larry the Cat. That’s wassup.

Imma wrap this week’s installment in a baseball doubleheader of sorts, and special thanks to Frank at A Frank Angle for the righteous pitch. The dude is an ace when it comes to great stories.

Last week the nation gave thanks to the uniforms who keeps us safe every day whilst paying homage to those who made the ultimate sacrifice in service to our country. And if baseball gets anything right, it’s in recognizing the real heroes.

At Yankee Stadium, the home team honored 104 year old WWII veteran Luis Forte during the seventh inning of their game against the San Diego Padres. Forte’s life had come full circle inside that special moment as he talked about plucking down twenty five cents for a bleacher seat as a young boy. In 1942, as a member of the U.S. Army Air Corps, Forte was plunged into the theater of battle in Europe. He calls himself one of the lucky ones, having lost a lot of friends during his four years served.

Army Captain Michael Medders is one of those who never made it home. In 2008, Medders was killed when a suicide bomber detonated his vest during an operation in Baqubah, Iraq. The former All Ohio defensive lineman for Bowling Green State University climbed the military ranks quickly and made an impression on every life he touched.

It’s why Cleveland Indians manager Terry Francona wore a patch with Medder’s name on it last week. “He was a football player, sang in the choir,” said Francona ,”One of those all-around kids.” Yes . . . a kid. Because it’s important to remember that twenty five years was all he got to live. We can’t forget that.

We just can’t.

Heroes Of The Week!

Captain America

It was a meh week for yours truly as I tried to catch up on sleep by getting even less of it. And the news wasn’t doing me any favors as per my Friday fix. There was more Mueller, because we ain’t ever getting enough. I’m sure John Gotti is looking at all these investigations into President Trump and going “Va fangul! This guy’s dirtier than I evah wuz!” And he wouldn’t be wrong.

The Toronto Raptors did become the first Canadian team to make the NBA finals, with that dime on a dollar talent Drake prowling the sidelines annoying the shit out of everyone. How can he call himself a Raptors fan if he has tats of two Golden State Warriors? I say we impeach his sorry ass.

Regular Local Joe Hero: Dandon Miller of Lancaster County, Pa celebrated Memorial Day weekend most symbolically. The motorcyclist was traveling on U.S. 30 when traffic ground to a halt. He jumped from his bike to find an injured bald eagle that had been struck by a passing vehicle laying in the middle of the road. Miller used his flannel shirt to scoop her up and the two waited on the side of the road for a bird rescue unit to arrive. Thanks to Miller, the eagle is going to make a full recovery. Hey Philly, you’s guys should git this dude season tickets!

Mailing It In: What do you get the mailman who has delivered everything over a thirty five year career? How’s about a dream trip to Hawaii. So beloved is Floyd Martin of Marietta Georgia, that the peeps along his delivery route have done just that. They started a GoFundMe page that hit their $5,000 goal, after which it kept on collecting more zeroes on the tail end. And then Delta Airlines decided they wanted to crash this postal party, offering Mr Martin a free ride. Hey Newman, eat your heart out! Muchas gracias to Frank at A Frank Angle for this special delivery.

Net Results: It’s WELL past time the MLB gets its shit straight as far as protective netting along the baselines is concerned. On Wednesday night, a young girl was struck in the head by a foul ball off the bat of Cubs outfielder Albert Almora Jr. The scene was heart wrenching as Almora dropped to the ground in tears after seeing what had happened. The little girl is going to be fine, and outside of her parents and relatives, there is no one more relieved than Almora. But this didn’t have to happen. The MLB has to get uniform with its protective netting, rather than letting each stadium dictate the parameters. These geniuses who can monetize every facet of the game can most certainly find a way to wrap the baselines in netting while keeping the players accessible to the fans at the same time. Make it happen, Rob Manfred.

Regular Local Joe Zero: The dude in front of me at the grocery store who forgot eggs, after he had his shit on the conveyor . . . and told the cashier to hold up . . . so he could go to the other side of the store to grab them. She politely declined, telling him she would finish it up, bag his things and suspend his order until he returned. He looked at her as if this technology had just been invented yesterday. In my next life, I want to be that blissfully stupid.

Just when you think you’ve heard it all: A teacher at The Chapel School- a private school in Westchester County, New York- was fired after holding a mock slave auction with her fifth grade social studies class. She chose her black students to act as the slaves and dressed them in imaginary chains. Just . . . wow.

Miles to go before they sleep: On the flip side of that kind of forgettable, Imma dish up a story about two fellas who plan on cruising through forty eight states in nineteen days in a Corvette. And no, this isn’t a reboot on the Clark Griswold franchise. It’s Mike Straub and his son, Adam. And they’re laying down serious tread marks from coast to coast as they raise money for Autism Action Partnership; an organization that provides services for people on the spectrum. Because that . . is how they roll.

Rest in Peace, Officer Eli: 

Officer Eli

Those who serve come in all shapes, sizes and breeds. And a Gwinnett County Police K9 Officer by the name of Eli served his community with a quiet diligence for the past eight years. Eli joined the force at the age of one and was the partner of Officer Matthew Bonanno. The two were chasing a suspect recently when the German Shepherd began showing signs of distress. Bonanno rushed him to a veterinary clinic where Eli passed away a short time later. County authorities led a procession from the Gwinnett County Police Training Center to Oak Rest Pet Cemetery in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania where he was laid to rest.

When we remember all the brave men and women who put on a uniform every day and especially those who make the ultimate sacrifice in the line of duty, let’s make a point not to forget man’s best friend.

Heroes Of The Week!

Wonder Woman

When traffic is a righteous jam- My Regular Joe and Jane Heroes of the Week award goes to . . the couple who stopped their car on the shoulder of the highway the other day and proceeded to escort a family of geese to safety. I rode up on the congestion with a laundry list of four lettered questions but was quieted . . . most righteously.

Kick up the leaves, and the Magic is lost- I dig Magic Johnson but I ain’t digging his walking back his role in the Lakers debacle. He insists he never promised to put aside his other business interests when he took a job that demands round the clock commitment. But he did promise to do just that, back in 2017. He won’t apologize for not reaching out to anyone before stepping down, which is weak. He thinks he can deny anything just because he’s Magic, and he’s probably right. Doesn’t mean I gotta like it.

Say “Squeeze!”- Sisters Hannah and Hailey Hager have taken it upon themselves to make lemonade out of lunch debt. They need lots of lemons for the $3,100 their elementary school classmates owe, but they got this. They’re spending their spring squeezing out that debt, and they even have a FB page. Go girls!

Future Headline Number 1- “Trump Library to house largest collection of porn in the world”

How ya like me now?- Jose Simms will never be confused with John Dillinger. The 29 year old Connecticut man is wanted on seven warrants, so he promised to turn himself in if his “Wanted” pic received 15,000 likes on Facebook. He hasn’t shown in spite of passing 25,000 likes, but it’s only a matter of time when your negotiating ploy is to have as many people as humanly possible get a good look at your mug.

Heart of the matter- One minute Brennan Connell was pitching for his Olathe West High School team, and the next he was having a heart attack. And while the thought of a 16 year old having a heart attack is impossible to wrap your head around, more than 7,000 children experience cardiac arrest every year. The fact that he’s alive to tell his story is entirely the result of some quick thinking fans who performed CPR and grabbed an AED to keep his heart beating. Now THAT is a box score worth chattering about.

A wonderful day in the neighborhood- Governor Tom Wolf declared yesterday “143 Day” in Pennsylvania. He picked the 143rd day of the year to celebrate the late Fred Rogers, who would often use the code number 143 to say I love you to viewers of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. It will heretofore become a day for spreading kindness. Fat chance it goes national, but ya gotta start somewhere.

Future Headline Number 2- “Baltimore Orioles pitching staff to receive FEMA assistance”

What a drag(on)!- And now Game of Thrones fans know how it feels when the story you love gets rushed to the finish line. Because now we have the 2019 model for Godfather III. So Imma dish up some advice to GOT fans. If you re-watch the series, keep it to six seasons. Seven and eight are dead to you now. There aren’t gonna be any re-writes so quit your crying and move on. And . . you’re welcome.

The winds of war on a loop- The Pentagon is at it again. They pushed a plan yesterday that would send 10,000 more troops to the Middle East. They insist they’re not trying to provoke Iran. I guess they’re just looking to keep ’em company.

Future Headline Number 3- “Denny’s introduces new dessert, ‘Impeachment Pie'”

A hole lot of tax payer money- Donald Trump came up with another way to ‘borrow’ our hard earned green, thanks to his 175 golf outings to the tune of $100 million Palmers, and counting. The kicker is that all but one of these trips were to a Trump owned golf course. The double dipper in chief sure knows how to . . . wait for it . . drive us up a wall.

Ticket to ride- Rajai Davis’s career reads of a baseball nomad, with eight major league stops over a thirteen year career. The thirty eight year old spent Wednesday night living his ninth life as a brand new member of the New York Mets, thanks to an Uber driver named Jason. Davis got a call on Wednesday evening informing him he’d been signed by the Mets. So he hopped an Uber from Allentown Pa and was delivered to Citi Field in Queens, New York three hours later. Davis put a W.P. Kinsella blue ribbon on his journey by smashing a three run homer in a Mets win a couple hours later. Welcome back, kid.