Play It Again, Spam (Case #27)

Spam

Dear Beneficiary,

This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of a Great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been Experiencing in getting your long over due payment due to excessive demand For money from you by both corrupt Bank officials and Courier Companies After which your fund remain unpaid to you.

I am Mr. Gene Leon. The Senior Resident Representative of the International Monetary Fund (IMF) Nigeria – Africa, it may interest you to know that reports have reached Our office by so many correspondences on the uneasy way which people like You are treated by Various Banks and Courier Companies across Europe to Africa and Asia and we have decided to put a stop to that and that is why i was appointed to handle your transaction here in Nigeria.

All Governmental and Non-Governmental parasites, NGOs, Finance Companies, Banks, Security Companies and Courier companies which have been in contact With you of late have been instructed to back up from your transaction and You have been advised NOT to respond to them anymore since the IMF is now Directly in charge of your payment.You are hereby advised NOT to remit further payment to any institutions With respect to your transaction as your fund will be transferred to you directly from our source. I hope this is clear. Any action contrary to this instruction is at your own risk. Respond to my Email with immediate effect and we shall give you further details on how your fund will be released.

Also call me as soon as you send the e-mail so that you will be given an immediate response: Direct Hotline: CALL: +234-8165-473-8999

Regards,
Mr. Gene Leon

Dear Mr. Leon,

Pardon me for saying, but your name is clumsier than Mike Huckabee at a strip club. You’ve got two first names, either of which is fine by its lonesome, but together? It reads like an E.L. James novel. As in, derivative and pointless. And umm . . not to be a backseat writer but I think the word you’re looking for is inform, not intimate. Also, you are UPPER CASE happy when lower case works plenty fine. Hey Boss, nothing personal . . strictly b’ness.

And speaking of b’ness, you guys must be on a mission from God (Or as I refer to him, John Belushi) because these fucking bank officials and courier companies suck harder than the New York Mets bullpen. Just the other day, I was paying for my grande Graceland Pillbox PB&J Banana Grilled Cheese Frappuccino (no whip) at a Starbucks on the Ivory Coast when the barista informed me my Diner’s Club card had been declined! You can imagine my embarrassment, after having watched that poor girl hand craft my drink for an hour and a half . . and I didn’t have a single Franc with which to pay for it. And let’s not even go into what I had to do in order to get back home. Not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .

And fret not, I ain’t about to let those parasitical bastards anywhere near my propers until I hear from y’all. I’ll just tell ’em IMFU! You know, you guys at the IMF are like the nerdy high school girl in one of those John Hughes flicks who is best friends with the main character and he doesn’t realize she’s the one until the last ten minutes. Shit, now I can’t get the Thompson Twins out of my head.

Imma hold off on calling you on account of all those numbers. Jesus, is that a phone number or the national debt? Just hit me back with an email, and think about a name change, coo?

Hasta la pasta,

Xuanzang

The Spam Files (Case #4,217)

Spam

Attn:

The sum of $4.5 million. out of your over due total sum has been approved for payment through ATM cash card system after all attempts to pay you through bank, and diplomatic courier failed. The approved sum has been programmed into the ATM cash card which will be dispatched to you through your address upon reconfirmation. I have made several attempts to contact you and this is the 3rd and perhaps the last email to you in respect to this matter. Meanwhile, I received a power of attorney from one SUSAN GERRAD from USA purportedly issued by you asking us to change the fund beneficiary to his name hence we are seeking for your confirmation as soon as possible. to this end, you should Kindly Re-confirm these information to me.

(1) Your Full Names:-

(2) Address:-

(3) Your Phone Numbers:

NOTE: The actual fees for shipping your ATM card is just $105 nothing more and no hidden fees of any sort! Upon receipt of payment the delivery officer will ensure that your package is sent within 24 working hours. Because I am very sure of everything I am giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive payment/package within the next 24hrs after you have made the payment for shipping.

Regards,

Mr. Dave West

Dear Mr. West,

Where have you been all my life?

Firstly, I must apologize for not getting back to you guys sooner. Yeah . . I received your email about the 4.5 million and then promptly forgot all about it. It’s not that I couldn’t use the ching. It’s just that, I was in the middle of a YouTube marathon of worst skateboard accidents and you know how addictive that shit gets. I’m curious, by ‘diplomatic courier’ do you mean my UPS driver, who parks wherever the fuck he feels like parking without any concern for parking tickets?

Hold up, a 4.5 million dollar cash card? That sounds really fucking stressful. I mean, I freak out when I misplace my Whole Foods club card! How’s about you send me forty five hundred cash cards loaded at 100 k each? Or better yet, forty five thousand cash cards at 100 bucks each? I mean . . once I’m a millionaire, losing a hundred bucks will be like the Kardashians losing a husband, no big whoop.

As for your attempts to reach me? Have you tried calling me? Because to paraphrase my Queen Bee highness, the great Beyonce, if you got millions for me you better put a ring on it.

Let the record state that I have never met Susan Gerrad. Girl sounds very take charge though, so feel free to shave a hundy off my tote board for her, coo?

Imma hold off on giving you certain particulars- such as name and address- because I don’t know that I can trust you just yet. Nothing personal, you understand . . it’s strictly business. If you want said information, you’re gonna have to gain my trust. Like, send me your silliest pic. Share your favorite Waffle House story. And perhaps most importantly, how did you get into this line of work? Was it family? A need to give back? Did you aspire to be on a future episode of Dateline?

Now . . . as far as your Note. I happen to think $105 is an outrageous ATM fee. What are we, in Vegas? I mean . . of course there are no hidden fees. They’re pimping their propers for everyone to see, all brazen like. And again, it’s nothing personal . . but I ain’t down with the whole pay to play scene. Matter of fact, Imma let the late, great Michael Corleone sum it up . . in case you ain’t catching my wave.

 

Do me a solid and send me a month’s worth of Hello Fresh grub. I’m partial to the balsamic pork and the peppercorn steak, but if you go heavy on the carnitas I ain’t gonna protest. I anxiously await your response to my retrofitted arrangement. And thanks for trusting me with such a large sum of money. It means the world to me.

Best wishes,

Pierce Inverarity