The Spam Files (Case #4,217)

Spam

Attn:

The sum of $4.5 million. out of your over due total sum has been approved for payment through ATM cash card system after all attempts to pay you through bank, and diplomatic courier failed. The approved sum has been programmed into the ATM cash card which will be dispatched to you through your address upon reconfirmation. I have made several attempts to contact you and this is the 3rd and perhaps the last email to you in respect to this matter. Meanwhile, I received a power of attorney from one SUSAN GERRAD from USA purportedly issued by you asking us to change the fund beneficiary to his name hence we are seeking for your confirmation as soon as possible. to this end, you should Kindly Re-confirm these information to me.

(1) Your Full Names:-

(2) Address:-

(3) Your Phone Numbers:

NOTE: The actual fees for shipping your ATM card is just $105 nothing more and no hidden fees of any sort! Upon receipt of payment the delivery officer will ensure that your package is sent within 24 working hours. Because I am very sure of everything I am giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive payment/package within the next 24hrs after you have made the payment for shipping.

Regards,

Mr. Dave West

Dear Mr. West,

Where have you been all my life?

Firstly, I must apologize for not getting back to you guys sooner. Yeah . . I received your email about the 4.5 million and then promptly forgot all about it. It’s not that I couldn’t use the ching. It’s just that, I was in the middle of a YouTube marathon of worst skateboard accidents and you know how addictive that shit gets. I’m curious, by ‘diplomatic courier’ do you mean my UPS driver, who parks wherever the fuck he feels like parking without any concern for parking tickets?

Hold up, a 4.5 million dollar cash card? That sounds really fucking stressful. I mean, I freak out when I misplace my Whole Foods club card! How’s about you send me forty five hundred cash cards loaded at 100 k each? Or better yet, forty five thousand cash cards at 100 bucks each? I mean . . once I’m a millionaire, losing a hundred bucks will be like the Kardashians losing a husband, no big whoop.

As for your attempts to reach me? Have you tried calling me? Because to paraphrase my Queen Bee highness, the great Beyonce, if you got millions for me you better put a ring on it.

Let the record state that I have never met Susan Gerrad. Girl sounds very take charge though, so feel free to shave a hundy off my tote board for her, coo?

Imma hold off on giving you certain particulars- such as name and address- because I don’t know that I can trust you just yet. Nothing personal, you understand . . it’s strictly business. If you want said information, you’re gonna have to gain my trust. Like, send me your silliest pic. Share your favorite Waffle House story. And perhaps most importantly, how did you get into this line of work? Was it family? A need to give back? Did you aspire to be on a future episode of Dateline?

Now . . . as far as your Note. I happen to think $105 is an outrageous ATM fee. What are we, in Vegas? I mean . . of course there are no hidden fees. They’re pimping their propers for everyone to see, all brazen like. And again, it’s nothing personal . . but I ain’t down with the whole pay to play scene. Matter of fact, Imma let the late, great Michael Corleone sum it up . . in case you ain’t catching my wave.

 

Do me a solid and send me a month’s worth of Hello Fresh grub. I’m partial to the balsamic pork and the peppercorn steak, but if you go heavy on the carnitas I ain’t gonna protest. I anxiously await your response to my retrofitted arrangement. And thanks for trusting me with such a large sum of money. It means the world to me.

Best wishes,

Pierce Inverarity

Mail Time! (Volume IV)

Spam

In the immortal words of the late, great James Brown . . my spam folder doesn’t know karate, but it knows crazy. I’d bring in a forensic scientist to study the crime scene, but those peeps would soak me in bar tabs and donut runs. So instead, I’ll expunge the poison via my handy dandy WordPress blog. It’s about total transparency. So don’t judge. Okay . . just kidding, judge. It’s way more fun that way.

For my latest Spam files share, this one isn’t a correspondence. I tried writing to my pun pal, but it bounced back. Shocker. So instead, I’ve taken to writing between the lines of this shake down missive, which I’ve titled The Hand Me Down.

 

Hi Marcanthony017,

I will not laugh at you. Read our message carefully. Our group will not hurt you if you obey.

They ripped this opening line off a GOP mailer.

There are too many differnet instructions about protection on the web space-  virtual private network ; install the latest antivirus base; clip webcam with the adhesive tape. But you think that this is not necessary.

I would prefer they inject the virus- or any virus, really- into my eyeballs with a syringe, if it spared me from reading this warbling shit spaghetti of a paraplegic paragraph.

There are something about 1550 victims that installed my virus.It was uploaded on fake web-site with flash player. Users installed everything and did not suspect any danger, as you know this plug-in should be installed on operative systems to play video files.You were not exception and now also have big problems.

What kind of sparrow crap operation are you running if you’re giving me approximations? Something about 1,550 victims ain’t nillying my willie. I need painfully accurate details, and this duct tape arcade is giving me pennies on the quarter. 

Oh Snap!

My built-in parser reacted to calls to porn-sites in your connections. Immediately when you clicked on a play button the malicious soft activated your web-cam to catch you caressing your body. After my virus copied a vid which you watched on your device. My formgrabber deleted coockies and got all passwords from your social media that you have visited from last Monday. We made a copy of the contacts with your friends, collegues and relatives.

Not to be a nudge, but if I were found to be ‘caressing’ my body whilst checked in to a yank and spank site . . . wouldn’t that make ME the ‘formgrabber’? And what was I watching? Because if you catch me on hetero or gay porn sites, I’m pretty sure I (wait for it) get off with a (wait for it) slap on the wrist. Short of raccoon on groundhog porn, you got nada.

Spanky

Let’s put it all together… I got video with you caressing your body; contact list with your friends, collegues and relatives; video which you were watching on the screen.

Alright, here comes the shake down . . .

You can help yourself you must pay me 450 usd with btc

Told ya.

BITCOIN

You know how people ask if they have to spell it out for you? Welp, these peeps literally spelled it out for me! I’m . . . flattered? 

What’s in quotes!

What kind of piss poor Slim Shady soliloquy are they dealing up? Because as you can plainly see, there were no quotes. They were too busy spelling things out for me. 

You can transfer funds with online bitcoin exchanges such as Coinbase,Bitstamp or Coinmama

Hey extortionists! You know what would be really helpful for me? The extortionee? Yeah, if you included a REAL dollar amount. Don’t be giving me the USD value of a fucking bitcoin. I’m not a character in “Ready Player One”, so don’t virtual my ching. Keep it dimensional for me. It’s called fucking etiquette man, we’re not barbarians! 

Decide yourself- be a star among friends or pay little bit not to lose your habitual life.

I don’t know about you, but they make the former seem like a much more preferable outcome for yours truly. 

Cops cant help. We use bot network, also we do not live in your country. You cant find my ip in a header of this message.

Because the first thing I’d want to do as a formgrabber is call the cops and divulge every last particular. I’m sure they would be straight up serious about such a ‘hands on’ approach. 

If you have some problems write me back.

Oh shit .. this was her way of asking me out on a date . . .

Carlene Safranek

Bonefish Grille, tomorrow night at 8, Carlene. I’ll be the straight up Martini sitting in the corner vibing to Jack Johnson. You’re paying. 

 

When life hands you spam, make fun of it

Spam

Fucking spam.

We all have to deal with it. And while it probably makes more sense to just delete the shit, sometimes I just can’t help myself. When I decide to venture down the rabbit hole, I do a number on these fucking things. As I did recently with a very urgent message I received informing me I had come into a great deal of money. And before you start shaking your head, let me assure you this one was legit. He wasn’t even a Prince!

Here then is the email I received, followed by my earnest reply.

Dear Email Owner,

COMPENSATION FUNDS PAYMENT ORDER VIA ATM CARD

This is to inform you that we have been working towards the eradication of fraudsters and scam Artists in Africa with the help of the Organization of African Unity (OAU) United Nations (UN), European Union (EU) and FBI.

During the course of investigation, they were able to recovered some funds from these scam artists and IMF organization have ordered the funds recovered to be shared among the 10 Lucky people listed around the World as a compensation. This notice is been directed to you because your email address was found in one of the scam Artists file and computer hard-disk while the investigation, maybe you have been scammed. You are therefore being compensated with sum of $4.5M  valid into an (ATM Card Number 4848421013879602).

Since your email address is among the lucky beneficiaries who will receive a compensation funds, we have arranged your payment to be paid to you through ATM VISA CARD and deliver to your postal address with the Pin Numbers as to enable you withdrawal maximum of $5,000  on each withdrawal from any Bank ATM Machine of your choice, until all the funds are exhausted.

The ATM Card with Security Pin Numbers shall be delivered to you using Express Mail Service (DHL).

The package is coming from Benin Republic. don’t forget to reconfirm your following information.

1. Your Full Name:

2. Address Where You want us to Send Your ATM Card

3. Cell/Mobile Number:

We advice you to stop all the communications with everyone regarding your payment as we have short listed to deliver to you and now urge you to comply and receive your ATM Card funds.

Thanks for your understanding as you follow instructions while I wait to hear from you today. You can contact me through this my alternative email address:

Yours in Services

Mr. Eric Moor,

IMF ORGANIZATION

 

My man,

I was about to delete this email, and then Jesus suggested I read it. For a degenerate drug dealer, he’s good people. I’m not gonna lie, to come into this kind of money here in the states, we either play PowerBall or wait for a wealthy relative to drop dead. I had a sugar mama for a while, until she scored a gig as Speaker of the House and I lost her to Twitter.

As for your offer, not to be ungrateful, but four and a half million US dollars doesn’t go nearly as far as it used to. Add interest rates and ATM fees and your ‘gift’ starts feeling more like a bill. I’d blame Obama, but I’m not a racist. So Imma supply you with a counter offer instead. That’s what we Americans do . . we negotiate, everything. Did you know you can negotiate your bill at Waffle House? Yep, I only paid twenty bucks (and a gently used Target gift card) for five All Star Specials! 

Anyways, here’s what I’m asking for in lieu of dollar bills . . .

– A bachelor farmhouse in Hudson Valley New York. Within pizza delivery range of Vera Farmiga’s house.
– A signed copy of Alec Baldwin’s expletive laden wedding vows.
– Bill Murray’s real cell phone number.
– Dinner with Tupac. He can be reached at the Hotel Saratoga in Havana, Cuba. 
– A Bengal Tiger.
– Weekly visits from parishioners of the Westboro Baptist Church (I gotta feed the tiger).
– A 10 day contract with the Miami Heat.
– Bonsai tree making lessons.
– An 80’s arcade room.
– A 1961 midnight blue Lincoln Continental with silver interior.
– A beer waterfall.
– Tickets to the moon (round trip).
– A notarized letter from Paul Simon in which he states explicitly that the song ‘Mother and Child Reunion’ is in fact, about Chinese food. 
– Pizza on demand. Forever. 
– A partridge in a pear tree. 

As for my physical address, please send any correspondence to the Vatican in Rome, Suite 316. And in order to expedite the process, use “Covfefe” as my middle name so I can distinguish it from all other mail I receive from the Benin Republic. 

My cell phone number is 867-5309. 

Hoping this letter finds you well, and that Dateline NBC hasn’t caught up with you just yet. May the force be with you, the odds be ever in your favor and may you keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. 

Yours in Solidarity, 

Charles Ponzi