Play It Again, Spam

Hello,

I have a personal Project in which i need your assistance I would like to be sure of your willingness, trustworthiness and commitment to execute this transaction worth (Twenty seven million United States Dollars)
If interested, reply immediately for detailed information.

Regards,
Sgt.Genevieve Chase

Yo Gwen,

When a chica shoots me an email at one thirty in the morning about a “personal project”  . . . well, the mind wanders. And because you’re not content to make it easy on me, you add money to the mix and I realize how wrong I was to think I could outrun my days as a gigolo. But twenty seven million quesadillas is the kind of rate that would lock you into Brad Pitt on a retainer basis, for life. Back in the day, you could have scored me for a fraction of that price. Seriously, a hundred bucks and dinner at a steakhouse would’ve turned my trick. Okay, dinner at a steakhouse would’ve worked. Hell . . . a dive bar would’ve had me rappelling from the walls of a Holiday Inn. But I digress. 

If by “executing” this transaction you’re inferring that Imma be eating a piece of this ample pie, then I am all ears. But I do have a few conditions . . .

1- I get half of the twenty seven million US dollars. I ain’t in the mood for any last minute games where you go switching it out with bolivares, which is the global currency equivalent of pushpins. 

2- Send a private jet to pick me up. Fully loaded bar. 

3- Get me Bill Murray’s private cell, because that shit is priceless. 

4- My own Oreos cookie flavor- Marcoconut Creme. 

5- And one more thing. Don’t you contact me again, ever.  From now on, you deal with Turnbull. If you have any questions please direct them to Senator Patrick Geary of Nevada. Tell him Michael Corleone sent you. 

Ayt, that should about cover things for now. I’ll wait to hear from you, Sergeant. And please give Chevy my best. 

Hasta La Primavera, 

Julian Kaye

The Silence Of The Spam- Volume #7,659

Hello Dear,

I have contacted you before but you did not respond to me. My name is Lucy Woolf. I attend university and I do part time work as a dressmaker. I lost my father in an auto accident prompting my mother’s death because of it.

My Father, Jacobs Woolf, willed me a large portion of his real estate holdings and income properties valued at £5,700,000 Pounds Sterling. I have yet to place a claim on it but right now things are not good and I’d like to have it. My Father’s stipulation was that I was either 30 years of age or married.

(Allowing my Husband to be in control). I am 26 so only my husband can make a claim on my behalf. I’d like to offer you the opportunity to stand in as my Husband and will share it for your assistance. Your interest will be properly protected.

Thanks.

Lucy Woolf

 

Dear Lucy, 

We have known each other many years, but this is the first time you’ve come to me for counsel or for help. I can’t remember the last time you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife is godmother to your only child. But let’s be frank here. You never wanted my friendship. And you feared to be in my debt.

Okay, I’ll ditch the Don Corleone preamble- God rest his soul- since you have no blessed idea what I’m referencing. But that’s the point. You’re trying to guilt me into a sick and twisted affair involving dirty money . . . and don’t get me wrong, I find that part of the equation extremely hot. But you don’t even know me, as evidenced by this idea that I would want to get married. Even for fun. Listen, I’m sorry to hear about your father’s untimely death. And not that I’m comparing, but your mother’s death is even more tragic, seeing as how she could’ve been partying in Rio right about now. But I digress . . . 

Your offer leaves me with so many questions and no good answers. If I was in the mood for that shit, I would just watch Fox News. So I gotta ask, was your father a Scientologist? Was your mother’s death ‘prompted’ by maybe . . your father running her over with his car? And do you think maybe your husband is just low key looking for a third in the bedroom? 

These questions may seem unrelated, and that’s because they are. But should you be able to respond to them with deep, dark, and diabolically illuminating answers that impugn their reputations, well . . it would definitely make you more trustworthy in my eyes is what I’m saying. After which I will have a few followup questions to which you must reply over steaks and martinis, with you and your hubcap picking up the tab. 

I must let you know that I will only consider this indecent proposal if I get a third of the silver. In a treasure chest. extracted from the Titanic by John Cameron. And you will borrow from your own share to purchase me a Bengal tiger. These are magnificent creatures whose savage instincts I do not wish to marginalize in the least, so I will also be requesting the services of Kelly Ripa to serve as the official walker. 

Listen, I realize my demands might be construed as unreasonable, but I learned a long time ago never to negotiate with terrorists. Mister Rogers taught me that. So tell that six feet worth of wood paneling that you call a husband to hit the bricks so you can do Rio in your mother’s honor with half the silver. And you’re welcome. 

Tata till tee time! 

Sean Roberts

From the Spam Files: Case #660

Spam

If you’re like me (And for your sake, I really hope you’re not), you look forward to rifling through your Spam folder for hidden gems. With the world under house arrest, it seems that even the spam-bags are suffering as I had to scroll all the way back to St Patrick’s Day to find me a pique-pocket.

The following spam dish is brought to us courtesy of Secretary General Antonio Guterres. I was dubious from the get, seeing as how a dude with such an impressive title is busy doing clerical work. But I’m willing to give anyone a chance, and when he informed me that he was working on behalf of Zenith Bank AND the United Nations . . and then he addressed me as beneficiary?

It doesn’t hurt to listen is all I’m saying . . .

Attention: Beneficiary,

How are you today? Hope all is well with you and family? This email is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world, the UNITED NATIONS have agreed to compensate them with the sum of USD$5,000,000.00 million dollars through a secured/ certified mode of payment Via ATM Visa Card. . .We found your name in our list and that is why we are contacting you . . .You are advised to contact Mr. peter Amangbo Executive Director at ZENITH BANK OF NIGERIA PLC as she is our representative in West Africa – LAGOS NIGERIA. Contact him immediately for the release of your USD$5,000,000.00 million dollars compensation payment from the (United Nations) this fund is in an ATM Visa Card for security purpose so he will send it to you and you can clear it in any bank of your choice in your country. Therefore, you should send him your Full name, Address and Telephone Number.

Thanks and God bless you and your family.

Hoping to hear from you as soon as you cash your ATM Visa Card.

Making the world a better place.

Regards,

Secretary-General António Guterres.

For the purposes of brevity (mine) and sanity (yours), I condensed this elementary school quality piece of work. Here then, is my reply to Antonio.

Tony,

You don’t mind if I call you Tony, do you? Coo. I was super engrossed with the story you were selling me. The same way I’m engrossed by Tiger King.  It’s like a slow motion train wreck that makes you question the future of humanity. So of course I’m all in.

Thing is, five million dollars on at ATM card is dicier than a Taco Bell secret menu item. Putting that much money on a single cash card is too Kardashian for my blood. How’s about cold hard cash? I thought U.N. officials carried around briefcases full of the stuff. If you think that might raise too much suspicion, you could send me a Starbucks Black Card. Or better yet, how about you ship me the cash equivalent in black market Oxy? Just don’t try sending me those Mexi-blues because I know the difference.

Also, I’m a tad bit confused as to whether I address this Peter Amangbo as a Mr or Ms, so please verify because I don’t want to make a fool of myself. As soon as I receive your reply, I will send you all the information you requested. Call me crazy, but I trust you completely. Maybe it’s because you signed off not once but four times! I took one look at that and said to myself . . Well pimp my biscuit with jalapeno honey! I like your style Mr. Secretary General. You’re a real prince.

God bless your family, and your other family as well,

Hoping to hear from myself after I strike it rich,

What the world needs now is love sweet love

May the odds be ever in your favor,

Pretty sincerely,

Amos Hart