Mail Time! (Volume IV)

Spam

In the immortal words of the late, great James Brown . . my spam folder doesn’t know karate, but it knows crazy. I’d bring in a forensic scientist to study the crime scene, but those peeps would soak me in bar tabs and donut runs. So instead, I’ll expunge the poison via my handy dandy WordPress blog. It’s about total transparency. So don’t judge. Okay . . just kidding, judge. It’s way more fun that way.

For my latest Spam files share, this one isn’t a correspondence. I tried writing to my pun pal, but it bounced back. Shocker. So instead, I’ve taken to writing between the lines of this shake down missive, which I’ve titled The Hand Me Down.

 

Hi Marcanthony017,

I will not laugh at you. Read our message carefully. Our group will not hurt you if you obey.

They ripped this opening line off a GOP mailer.

There are too many differnet instructions about protection on the web space-  virtual private network ; install the latest antivirus base; clip webcam with the adhesive tape. But you think that this is not necessary.

I would prefer they inject the virus- or any virus, really- into my eyeballs with a syringe, if it spared me from reading this warbling shit spaghetti of a paraplegic paragraph.

There are something about 1550 victims that installed my virus.It was uploaded on fake web-site with flash player. Users installed everything and did not suspect any danger, as you know this plug-in should be installed on operative systems to play video files.You were not exception and now also have big problems.

What kind of sparrow crap operation are you running if you’re giving me approximations? Something about 1,550 victims ain’t nillying my willie. I need painfully accurate details, and this duct tape arcade is giving me pennies on the quarter. 

Oh Snap!

My built-in parser reacted to calls to porn-sites in your connections. Immediately when you clicked on a play button the malicious soft activated your web-cam to catch you caressing your body. After my virus copied a vid which you watched on your device. My formgrabber deleted coockies and got all passwords from your social media that you have visited from last Monday. We made a copy of the contacts with your friends, collegues and relatives.

Not to be a nudge, but if I were found to be ‘caressing’ my body whilst checked in to a yank and spank site . . . wouldn’t that make ME the ‘formgrabber’? And what was I watching? Because if you catch me on hetero or gay porn sites, I’m pretty sure I (wait for it) get off with a (wait for it) slap on the wrist. Short of raccoon on groundhog porn, you got nada.

Spanky

Let’s put it all together… I got video with you caressing your body; contact list with your friends, collegues and relatives; video which you were watching on the screen.

Alright, here comes the shake down . . .

You can help yourself you must pay me 450 usd with btc

Told ya.

BITCOIN

You know how people ask if they have to spell it out for you? Welp, these peeps literally spelled it out for me! I’m . . . flattered? 

What’s in quotes!

What kind of piss poor Slim Shady soliloquy are they dealing up? Because as you can plainly see, there were no quotes. They were too busy spelling things out for me. 

You can transfer funds with online bitcoin exchanges such as Coinbase,Bitstamp or Coinmama

Hey extortionists! You know what would be really helpful for me? The extortionee? Yeah, if you included a REAL dollar amount. Don’t be giving me the USD value of a fucking bitcoin. I’m not a character in “Ready Player One”, so don’t virtual my ching. Keep it dimensional for me. It’s called fucking etiquette man, we’re not barbarians! 

Decide yourself- be a star among friends or pay little bit not to lose your habitual life.

I don’t know about you, but they make the former seem like a much more preferable outcome for yours truly. 

Cops cant help. We use bot network, also we do not live in your country. You cant find my ip in a header of this message.

Because the first thing I’d want to do as a formgrabber is call the cops and divulge every last particular. I’m sure they would be straight up serious about such a ‘hands on’ approach. 

If you have some problems write me back.

Oh shit .. this was her way of asking me out on a date . . .

Carlene Safranek

Bonefish Grille, tomorrow night at 8, Carlene. I’ll be the straight up Martini sitting in the corner vibing to Jack Johnson. You’re paying.