First Draft Horoscopes

Today’s Birthday! 

Just because you are right doesn’t mean everyone else is wrong . . . okay, of course it does. It’s not you, it really is them . . all of them. And don’t let the voices in your head tell you differently. When you are proven correct today, try and resist the urge to gloat or boast. But failing that, make sure you take to social media and really let them have it, the clueless asshats. The most effective way to alienate people and harm your reputation is through arrogance, so remember to really pour it on. I mean, who needs people? Especially this week . . since you haven’t seen Game of Thrones yet and it’s a certainty someone is gonna fuck it up for you. It’s okay to feel proud of yourself, and while you really shouldn’t do so at the expense of others, there are exceptions. Like, sleeping with the spouse of your arch-nemesis. Talk about a dark spirit win! You could be humble, but that comes about as naturally to you as poetry and commitment.

Today’s Birthday! (Reading between the lines edition)

You are extremely clever, (as opposed to being smart . . which requires you to use your brain more than twice a day) and oftentimes mischievous (hell, this week alone you scored a cashier at Whole Foods . . a real estate agent with a foot fetish and a waitress who loves all things tantric) – a trait that keeps you youthful in spirit throughout life! (bourbon helps. lots. and that tantric shit doesn’t hurt one bit. combine the two and you might very well have discovered the secret to life) As intelligent and talented as you are, (according to you) you see so many possible paths to take that it can be challenging to focus on only one. (no . . this doesn’t mean a three-way. that shit has more complications than the iPhone SE. focus!) Fortunately, you are versatile enough to make more than one life path successful. (no. shit.) You tend to attract non-traditional relationship set-ups. (so make sure the dead bolts are locked and loaded and the back door is clear when you get an early morning visit from a pissed off husband).