In honor of Shark Week, Imma throw a ‘lil chum in the water via the way back machine. This post first appeared on the800lbgorilla in April of 2007. It was my way of giving my blog partner shit over his fear of sharks.
This was a popular post among shark enthusiasts, trollers and a German film director who wanted permission to use the original image attached (unfortunately, that image is no longer available). Perhaps my favorite memory regarding this post was how many people didn’t realize that it was satire. So . . yanno . . spoiler alert?
While you are far likelier to be killed by a stray dog, few animals evoke sheer terror in the way a shark does. This is a result of the fact most big dogs weigh no more than a hundred and fifty pounds while a shark’s average weight is several hundred pounds more. Add to this the fact most dog attacks do not occur in water- which severely limits your ability to grab a weapon or run with any degree of success.
Fortunately, shark attacks on people are rare. Although, for the victims, not nearly rare enough. Most species of shark are harmless to humans, such as those found in aquariums or on a menu. Still, even medium-sized sharks are more than capable of inflicting serious injuries or killing people due to the fact they outweigh even the average American by a quarter ton and are affectionately referred to as “cranky razor blade vessels” by marine biologists.
While it is best to learn how to prevent a shark attack, you should also know what to do in the “unlikely” event of an attack. Note: Not going into the water is always your best bet.
- Remain calm. As the shark is tearing into your flesh, your initial reaction will be to get the hell out of the water as quickly as possible. While this is natural, fight the urge to show the shark he’s gotten the best of you and is probably going to get the rest of you before long. Remember, unless you’re Jesus Christ, you’re not going to outrun a shark in the water. It’s crucial that you keep your wits about you as the shark is tearing at your femur and introducing you to more blood than you’re comfortable with.
- Keep your eye on the shark at all times. Sharks may retreat temporarily and then try to sneak up on you. Of course, you may turn your attention away from the shark as you search for your missing limbs. Don’t let this happen. It is essential to know where the shark is so you can defend against it, so make every effort to watch your impending cause of death, even as you’re trying to escape/scream/fall into merciful shock/drown/snap your own neck.
- Get into a defensive position. If the Coast Guard is not immediately available or a Quint-like fisherman is not cruising in your vicinity, try to reduce the shark’s possible angle of attack. It will be easier since by this point, you are not encumbered with a pair of arms and legs. If you’re near the shore, by all means bob to safety. If you have diving equipment, descend gradually and then remove your equipment and gulp as much water as possible until you black out. In open water, if you’re with another diver, use them as a shield.
If you have achieved the first three steps, congratulations. You are no closer to actually surviving a shark attack, but you are ready to play centerfield.
4. Fight. Seriously. Fighting a shark may seem illogical. But remember, ancient civilizations fought sharks for sport. Do not let the fact that those ancient civilizations are extinct for a reason cloud your thinking. Playing dead won’t deter an aggressive shark, and you won’t be playing dead for very much longer anyway. Your best bet if attacked is to make the shark see you as a strong, credible threat. If nothing else, it gives him an exciting story to share with his friends later on.
- If you have a speargun or pole, shoot it. Don’t miss. Aim for the head, specifically the eyes, or for the gills. We cannot emphasize enough how costly a move this becomes should you miss. Don’t miss.
- If you don’t have a weapon such as a sawed off shotgun or .357 magnum, improvise. Use any inanimate object, such as a camera, or simply use your fists, elbows, knees, and legs to fight the shark (assuming you still have fists, elbows, knees and legs). Usually, a hard blow to the shark’s gills, eyes or nose will cause the shark to retreat. Of course, it also makes them even angrier. If a shark continues to attack, or if it has you in its mouth, take a very quick inventory of your life and pray for forgiveness.
5. Get out of the water. It would seem obvious, wouldn’t it? While there are a number of things you can do to ward off an attack, you’re not truly safe until you’re out of the water. Your goal should always be to get back to the shore or back on the boat. Then again, your goal should have been to stay out of the water to begin with.
Haha perfect 🙂 enjoyed this one as well…
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Thank you! Thank you very much!
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B,
You kill me. I’m liking getting to know this funny and snarky side of you… 😉 And hey! You found the pic you were looking for? (Or is it one that is similar?)
And, I’m all for avoiding any shark-infested waters, thank you very much!
And I can’t help but think of a Neko Case song now…. Only reason I wasn’t first in line to comment was I was too busy searching for the bloody thing (had the wrong artist in mind…)
Cheers to sharing your archives!
Q
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Q,
The YouTube vid sends me right to . . guess where? lol.
The snarky side keeps me above water most days, lol. It’s like the old Robin Williams quote . . “If they can’t take a fuck, joke ’em!”.
I had to post this in honor of Shark Week.
To the archives!
Peace and staying out of the water
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Do tell? 😉
Gotta agree with Robin. And no one likes a milquetoast so… keep that snark alive!
Ya done Shark Week good.
Peace and playing in safe waters…
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I WOULD have a “Snark Week” if, yanno . . that wasn’t pretty much my every day personality, lol.
Piece(s)
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Hmmm….
Actually, minus the fab Woodstock post, including the Pesci one and this…makes almost a Snark Week, no? 😉
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You know what? You’re right! Bloody hell you are right!
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Bloody hell, I am! Like, you doubted?
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Not one iota of a second’s iota!
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😉
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Not to be confused with Ray Iota.
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LOL… let that one slide… Liotta might not like your new spelling…
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That wasn’t a misspelling . . .;)
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I know 😛
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Dear Marc,
I’ll keep these tips in mind. Although we don’t get many shark attacks in Missouri. An occasional alligator might surface in a toilet or two, but never sharks. ROFLMAO. Thank you for the snickers and giggles. Bobbing up and down with laughter.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Rochelle,
Truthfully, the idea of gators or snakes in the plumbing scares me way more than a great white in the deep blue sea. I’ve only one experience swimming with sharks. Of course, it wasn’t my intention, lol. I was a boy and had gone for a swim near this pier. As per, I always go out deep enough to not feel the bottom because I never liked feeling the bottom. So I spot my father waving me in and when I come in he tells me the fishermen are after something, a couple hundred yards removed at the pier. We went up there to discover they were fishing for a hammerhead.
They didn’t catch it, which I was happy for. I was young enough to find it the coolest thing ever that I was swimming in the same area with a hammerhead.
Glad you found this humorous! And umm . . remember to stay out of the water, lol.
Shalom
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What about the preliminary step … the one that comes way before “Get Out of the Water” .. it goes like this … “Stay Out of the Water!!!!!”
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King,
Buahahaha!
Sheriff Brody had the right idea with that one, huh?
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It’s only scary if John Williams scores it. The Jaws theme still gives me shudders. But hearing the Hall & Oates tune, makes me want to hit a dance club…but these days it’d have to be one for the geriatric set. 🦈 I LOVE those guys!
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Tails,
We ain’t there yet! We’re just cooler than most of them kids is all.
And yes to Williams. Can you believe the staying power of that one score? Almost fifty years later, and likely forever, people will hum that when talking about sharks.
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And for good reason! Nothing conveyed the terror in that movie better than those notes.
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So true. While some scores are over the top and take away from a movie, that score was an integral part of the movie.
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Roger that!
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Thank you for these tips. Very handy for wandering in my front yard.
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Hey you’re close enough to the shore to get one of those Sharknados . . .
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That is what I meant by front yard.
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😉
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This article should be printed and distributed as a mandatory precaution on beaches all around the world. I laughed so hard! It’s only 7 AM, and this post already made my day.
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Mid Class,
I’m willing to help Sheriff Brody distribute these up there in Cape Cod!
And hey, I love that this post made your day!
Thank you for the comment!
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Hahahaha. Good luck. And you’re welcome!
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Not only is this perfect for anyone with sharkonoia or sharkphobia, you selected the perfect song to close the post!
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Leave it to Hall and Oates . . .
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Yeah, here’s my solution. DON’T GO IN THE WATER!!! 😜
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Oh schnapple that’s so true! I prefer your way of dealing with the fishes. . . Dish ’em up! Except sharks. We should just leave them be. And Dolphins too of course. 😁
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One of my favorite movies is the 1975 original version of “Jaws”. We’re gonna need a bigger boat! 👀🍃
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Gail,
Classic! I remember going to see it with my old man when we were on vacation in Maine. Scared the bejeezus out of me! I had never thought to be afraid of sharks before that. I swam, unwittingly mind you, near a hammerhead in Florida. After I found out, I thought it was the coolest thing!
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Something like that is very cool to hear…..after the fact. 😜
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Yes indeed. It truly is all in the timing . . .
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Hahahaha this is awesome! Thanks for dragging it out and sharing…it was good for some serious giggles 😛
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Sassy,
Life is always better when there are some serious giggles involved.
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Always and for sure
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😉
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RNB,
Muchas gracias on the sugar. It is very much appreciated!
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I never knew ancient civilisations used to fight sharks for sport, you learn something new every day……….. I enjoyed this post.
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A,
We aim to provide an educational experience with every post. We don’t often get there . . but we aim.
Thank you for the love!
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[…] via How to prevent a shark attack (From the archives) — sorryless […]
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