Dear Sorryless,
I used to be the life of the party until this virus changed everything. Now, nobody seems to want anything to do with me. What gives?
Signed,
Depressed in D.C.
Mr Trump, just do what you always do. Inflate the numbers and conveniently ignore the facts.
Dear Sorryless,
Am I really as perfect as I think I am?
Signed,
Little Miss (Yes!) Perfect
Dear Miss Ripa,
I’m not sure what world you’re living in, but umm . . . you probably want to stay there.
Dear Sorryless,
I can’t seem to do anything right! My bosses pull me in one direction while my employees pull me in the other, and everyone else just thinks I’m a talking head. And my dog isn’t even talking to me right now . . .
Signed,
Unsafe at Home
Dear Mr Manfred,
Being the MLB Commish means never having to say you’re sorry. You followed a guy in Bud Selig who pretended that sluggers were getting stronger on fairy dust. And then he followed that up with that “gift for the fans” that keeps on giving in inter-league play. Which is really a gift to the owners, since they get to charge premium prices for regular season games. If you ask me, you’re simply following in his dubious footsteps . . overlooking the pinball game that MLB has become whilst never minding the fans who ain’t getting refunds for the games that were never played. And now you’re pushing through a sixty game season, which would make Joe Dimaggio crap in his dead pants. Yanno what? Give yourself a raise.
Dear Sorryless,
I feel as if I am trapped inside the Rockwell song “Somebody’s Watching Me”, and when I tell anyone about it, they just shrug it off and tell me it’s all in my head. I know I’m not paranoid, but how can I prove it to everyone else?
Signed,
Holed up in the Hills
Dear Mr Phoenix,
Are you aware that some of the most brilliant minds in the history of the world were . . how do I put this gently? Bat shit crazy? Also, not for nothing but you really shouldn’t be eating mayo sandwiches at three in the morning.
Dear Sorryless,
What in the blessed fuck is up with people? Is it a lot to ask that you wear a fucking mask when you go out in public? For fuck’s sake, I have to wear a glorified house dress all the time . . and you don’t hear ME bitching about it!
Signed,
Riled up in Rome
Dear Pope Francis,
I know, right? I guess they really don’t think there’s gonna be a second wave (Already happening) and a third . . . and who knows what after that. But on the positive side of the equation, I don’t have to fake a smile these days.
Hey, it’s something!
What a hoot, Pilgrim. The Pope one was especially delicious.
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I’m with you on that one, John!
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😀
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The Pope needs to be able to let his hair down from time to time. Figuratively . . . of course.
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Yes. You gotta wonder what he says when he drops a hammer on his toe.
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I think I know . . .
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B,
Oh. Em. Gee. Thank you so much for the laughs today! You chose the perfect peeps to write in and your responses were more than bang on.
You are certifiable, you know that? One of the reasons you are so lovable!
Q
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Q
I couldn’t really think of the current names in the news so I went with the easy peasy.
Except for Ripa. I don’t think she’s in the news these days. As much as she really thinks she is. Which makes me wonder how it is that she didn’t get a Cabinet spot in the current administration.
Oh, I know I am. Right there with Joaquin. And hey, we both dig mayo sammies . . .
Lovable? I’ll take that. 😉
B
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It was a smart move, far as I am concerned!
Ripa was easy peasy for shizzle. You know? I wonder why she didn’t.
The Pope was was blessedly hilarious.
And I think we all need a little Joaquin. no?
You are more than that and you know it… but I’ll keep it on the down low – your rep and all that…
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I’ll do better next time.
Fun Fact. I once had a blog titled “Kelly Ripa Must Die”.
He would give you his blessings for that sentiment.
We certainly do, he is brilliant.
Yeah, I gots to keep up the rep. I guess . . .
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Better? Now, now… You can always do more…
You didn’t! You are cray-cray!
I think he would.
He is. Most brilliant peeps are a tad (or more) touched…
Uh huh. If you feel you must…
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I was inspired by Prine’s song, truth be told. And then I couldn’t really think of anyone that would be writing in for some Abby advice. Other than Trump, who spends all day on social media anyways.
I did. For five minutes. And it actually had nothing to do with her at all. So I ditched it for not being as perfect as she is.
Me too.
And then some. As McLean once opined, most of them don’t get recognized until they’re on the other side of the cosmos.
I mustest
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I love that the song came first. (And now understand your query and apologize for not being any help – which, it turns out, you didn’t need).
There you go. Call it a blip in time.
Of course you do.
This is so often true.
Then you mustest.
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No apologies. I just have been out of the loop and figured if there was someone who came to mind for you . . but yanno, it’s the same roll call these days. Trump, Fauci, et al . . .
A blip in time huh? No relation to a Madeleine L’Engle jaunt is there?
It is a mustesestestest that I do this again.
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You and I both. And I figured you wanted someone else besides Trump et al.
That was a wonderful series, now that you mention it…
Abso-effing-lutely (see how I kept it clean there?)
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Most everyone I know wants someone else besides Trump.
It was a classic.
Thank you for not cussing here on the blog. I hate it when people come on here and start using all manner of fucking profane language. It pissed me the fuck off. So thank you . . .
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Fuckin A
It was!
I tried. I fucking did. But I slipped.
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Right!
No need to apologize. Shit happens.
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Uh huh!
And in 2020….
SHIT TONNES OF SHIT…
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2020 is that chapter in a book where you go “What happened?!”
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And then wait as you are told… sit down, grab a drink coz you ain’t gonna believe what I am about to tell you…
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And we still don’t believe it.
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I can hear the “You’re shitting me” now…
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You’re the only person I know who can Ann Landers and Christopher Hitchens to shame. Well done, sir. John is right…the Pope letter was brilliant. Bonus points for not going off on “Depressed in DC” (despite the fact he deserves it) and telling him no one gives a rat’s hat about his bad self.
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Monika
I was not about to give Small Hand Luke the time. I realize he’s bummed that his popularity is dwindling but hey, it’s about time!
And the Pope, he does have his moments I gotta believe . . .
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Pope Frank is the man!
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He is that.
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Hate to say it … but the Ripa letter is the best.
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But . . she IS perfect. Right? . . .
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Ummm … I’ve never understood her appeal. The wife occasionally watches her show. Ripa and Seacrest together are like … when Colgate and Crest have children.
Can’t stand watching them and the two of them together are like an exponential multiplication of the yuck factor.
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She did the unthinkable. She made people kind of miss Kathie Lee.
When Michael Strahan, Ripa was out of her mind angry that he wanted something more than to sit beside her and listen to her drone on about her kids and her husband. The nerve of that guy! To want to be anywhere else!
Colgate and Crest having children . . buahahaha!
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😆
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🙂
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Lol!!!
Is this a regular series?
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I think it is . . . now! LOL
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hahaha!
It’s a good one!
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Thank you Resa!
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Brilliant advice column!
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Appreciate that, RW!
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hahaha. Just what I needed this morning!!
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Glad to provide! 🙂
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You definitely have a future as an advice columnist!
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In the “Calls Em as I See Em” Department? 😉
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Wouldn’t want it any other way!
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That Pope is a foul-mouthed b’stard, eh?
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I know, right?
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😀
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LOL. Thank you for the laughs. It’s brilliant.
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Haha! Thank you for the chime!
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Ha! This was so good. I’m enjoying this format in case you want to post another 🙂 duuuuuude that Ripa chick is like nails on a chalkboard. Ugh. I don’t know why people tune in so you’re on point with that one and Manfred. But my favorite is the Pope! That was great.
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Yanno, I think I will make this a regular thing on the blog. I had fun doing it.
Did you know that I once had a blog that went by the name “Kelly Ripa Must Die”? Had it for a very short time. Ugh.
Manfred . . the owners . . the players. I think they all are falling short.
The Pope HAS to have his moments, I’m thinking.
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Dude. I think A LOT of people have strong feelings about the level of heartburn this chick produces. I mean I heard she flipped her kid when that football player left the show to do something better. And now she’s got American Idol guy? It’s like a category 12 tsunami of ugh drenching humankind. I just don’t see the appeal and can’t understand why it’s on the air.
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She was so pissed at Strahan for having the nerve to want to broaden his horizon. The nerve of that guy!
Ryan Seacrest and Ripa . . . together. Because why? LOL
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The Pope! He was awesome! As a catholic I’d like more letters from him 🙂
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I have to agree with you on that one. Did you see The Two Popes?
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I have NOT watched it yet! But it’s in my queue. How is it? How’s The Wire treating you?
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I got two seasons of The Wire before they pulled it! But that’s ayt, Imma get back when I can, because it’s truly great.
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Right?!
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So good!
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I thought the Trump letter was my favorite but you ended it perfectly. That was classic. Laugh out loud funny!
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Me too, LOL
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